First time I ask "Why am I made this way?"

Throughout the years I have never thought to complain or ask why I have my issues. Mostly dealing with depression. I've been depressed on and off since 16 years and maybe as back as early as12 years old. Now at 39 I look at my life and it's mostly filled with depression. Some not as bad other really bad. So now I got tired of being this way and I ask "Why am I made this way?" I don't get to feel a lot of joy as depression interferes. Unless I drink or am drinking my "fun" me doesn't come out much. Anyway I could go on and on. But I try to get right to the point. I am truly tired of dealing with this. I feel myself coming back up from my major depression. But I've been hitting bottom so much lately. I feel tired. How do you feel about your bipolar?

I have been asking that question myself for the last 3 years. "why do I have to suffer through this with no hope of it ever ending?" I have been through all of it, yet I still manage to drag myself out of bed every morning because it is expected of me. I have learned to push through my depressive episodes and hide it from the world, with the expection of my wife who helps me get back to being stable.

The other question I used to ask before coming to this forum was "why can't I be like everybody else?"', but since I found this place where I can accepted for who and how I am without predijuce I have been able to see that I am not unique in my illness and it has made me feel so much better because of it. I no longer hide from what I am, I still have my moments during the depression, I have accepted that I am this way for a reason and that I will preserver through all the bad times, live in the good and revel in the great.

You are not alone, you are made the way that you are because you can handle it better than anyone else can. Accept that you are an extremely strong person from your experiences and battles with your own mind.

Landor

Bipolar sucks, and I also love it. My mania lets me do things I'd never normally do and I've had some bad experiences through this - a lot of bad experiences - but some really great memories too, plus in hypomania I love how social I can be and how easily I get on with people and make new friends.

The depression is horrendous, I understand. I would never choose to have that whereas I'd choose a bit of hypomania if I could have it my way. I remember crying all day in a foetal position every day for weeks. Attempting suicide. The lot. The thing is though with our disorder, it DOES change. Nothing is permanent and the depression will always end for a period. That part of it is something that's great and something to hold onto when life is so dark.

I have a service dog for my bipolar and that really helps, and honestly I'm not ashamed of who I am so I don't mind people staring at him and asking about him. I love to educate people about our illness - I think it's important. I'm almost glad I have it because I've learned a lot about mental illness consequently and feel able to be a bit of a spokesperson for it, and people often come to me for help because they know I have survived a lot. I like that part too.

At the end of the day, we are who we are and it's all about learning to live with it and maintain balance. There are so many horrible illnesses and disabilities out there, I'm grateful I don't have those. I do consider my illness a disability though and I would be unimpressed with someone who didn't agree as it DOES disable me and prevent me from doing a lot of things. Like I could not do a proper full time job. But I work freelance and self-employed and that really suits me. So, great!

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. When I feel well, I like to try to lift others up who are having a hard time. Now it is myself who is coping daily. This time I am really realizing what type of life it can be to have this mental illness. I am confronted with the reality that it will never go away. And that I will not always feel great. I will expect lows such as some type of level of depression. I do feel like I am a very patient person with what I have had to deal with. I am sympathetic toward others. Very gentle at times. I do go through the motions when it is very hard. That is how I deal with everyday life at times. I have to cope somehow. I am positive I will be better again. I am just having a hard time with living in the moment type of thinking. I want to better now. Thanks for sharing and for listening.

I like your question: "Why am I made this way?"
There are masses of shallow people who would never ask themselves the riddles of life.
You are a deep, sensitive, thoughtful person. Your question tells me that, even though there may not be an answer to the question.

Living through those hard times is very difficult, I know.
But you have hope, if not for a cure, then for a livable life.

When I had my worst crash, I learned a beautiful mantra in a therapy group I belonged to.
This little phrase has been my partner for the last 14 years. Here it is:

This is me.
I am here.
I am alive.
I will cope.

When things are bad, it aknowledges my place in life - me, here... and makes a commitment to live inspite of the disease - Cope.

When things are good, it aknowledges my place in life - me, here... and celebrates the life I have -
I am alive.... Life is good, life is livable. I keep these good feelings in a special place to use as weapons against depression when it comes. It doesn't defeat depression, but it preserves hope for the future.

Lots of people are bipolar. Look up this list. You need to scroll way down to the bottom of the page to see it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_pe ... r_disorder

If that doesn't work, then just google: People with Bipolar


Take care,

You are not alone, you are made the way that you are because you can handle it better than anyone else can. Accept that you are an extremely strong person from your experiences and battles with your own mind.

This is reassuring. I am not alone. This forum is good. And I don't think a few people I know I just don't think they could do any better than I am doing. Yes, I must be strong. To deal with this.

I think everyone's made some wonderful points about this illness and I am glad you're gaining strength from the comments Don't ever feel alone, and remember you are a survivor.

Funnily enough I just had a sudden shock moment of re-realising I have bipolar, and not believing I could actually have it. It was quite powerful and upsetting at the same time, but I am reminding myself it's okay, my life is manageable and I survive it every day. I may be a bit over the top at times, and I do have those terribly dark times where it seems like I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I get through it every time, because I'm still here. You should remember that too.

Glad you feel that way now quietgirl2538. It is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the days. My wife has been there during the worst of it all and she is the one who told me that. She doesn't know how I manse to keep getting myself out of bed and pushing through it all when I have told her exactly how I am feeling on that day.

I know that none of my friends or family could live for one full week of my depression and that makes me feel stronger because I have learned how to not only live with it but to survive it. Having my dogs around helps a lot. They often sleep on the bed with us. Never thought that an animal would help me so much.

I try to imagine what my life would be like without the bipolar, but I wouldn't be as strong as I am without it. I don't know any other life apart from this and I couldn't wish to live a "normal" life. It just wouldn't be anywhere near as fun.