Impulse Control, Mixed State, and Irrationality. Any Advice?

Hello, I have a question to ask and I'm happy to have find this forum. If you would be so kind to read along and perhaps offer some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I am 22 year old girl and I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I've known about it for some time, after having spent some odd years off and on in therapy. This last winter has been quite difficult for me. I generally have more depressive symptoms with hypomania snapping in only about three short times throughout this time. Recently, I thought I was getting in a happier mood but after mania hit me for a couple of days I seemed to just be stuck in the middle. On one hand, I am happy, talkative, highly irritable to the point of irrationality, have an inflated view of myself, and am highly functioning. On the other hand, I feel like no one in the world gives a $#%^ about me, my life is filled with lies and everyone just pretends to like me, and I'm just so damn lonely. My music is my best friend. Usually, if I'm in good mood I listen to a lot of hyper music but the music I've listened to as of late has been rock, which directly correlates with a depressed mood. Throughout this time, my impulse control has gotten even more difficult. My depression brings on overeating and my mania brings on a heightened sex drive and diarrhea of the mouth. I can't stop talking and it's so fast I can hardly believe it makes sense to anyone! I can't understand why anyone likes me at all, yet people always want to hang out. I don't even ask them to hang out because I don't think anyone in their right mind would want to be around me for very long without getting annoyed but they seem to enjoy me, I suppose. I haven't gone out in my social circle because work and school have overloaded me, but I can't say that I'm not scared to.

At the moment, I can't stop myself from doing anything. I've had a few arguments that could have been avoided had I just shut my mouth and not made the situation worse. This paranoia is killing me and I just don't want people around me to talk to me and scrutinize me; I don't want to go home and think about how every little thing they say is something hidden against me. I really don't know what to do. Honestly, and let's not have this conversation as this is not what I'm posting about, but I feel like killing myself. I'm not going to any time soon but it's the only way I can think of to get all of these things to stop messing with me. I just have suicidal ideation...a lot. It's weird. I've been on Lamictal for a week (first time) but that doesn't mean $#%^ because I drank twice on it which is something I'm pretty damn sure I'm not supposed to do. I've also smoked weed twice on it too, also not good. I don't even know what I can do about this. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to get it to stop. Now, I've been under a lot of stress lately so that is a factor but I'm in school and I'm getting my associates degree in a semester and applying to University's so that's not going to stop any time soon.

As time goes on, I feel as if I'm just getting worse and nothing is going to help me. What do you do about impulse control in a mixed state? My therapist says, with CBT and the Lamictal that the symptoms will lessen, but I can't believe her. I've been attempting to control these swirling emotions in my head for years with natural remedy's (living healthy, exercising 5 days a week, trying to live positively and stay away from substances etc) and that didn't work. Now I'm on medications and I can't stop the impulses long enough for the medications to kick in. I just feel like I'm losing my mind. No, ok, I feel like I'm constantly losing my mind but it will never be lost. Like I'll just be in this repeating cycle of borderline insanity and it's so close I can taste it, yet I'll never get it. I've just run out of ideas on what to do with myself so if you have a suggestion it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, thank you for reading.

Hi balaclava22.

I know you said you didn't want to have "this" conversation but it's possible the increase in suicidal thinking is a side-effect of the Lamictal. (especially with the interaction with alcohol.) It's important to let your doctor know about it if he/she doesn't already.

Other than that, statistically speaking, your therapist is right. Just give it some time.

And thank you for writing.

Hi

SOunds like things are difficult for you atm. I have to agree that I think it is really important that you tell your Dr about what you are experiencing on the lamotrigine - it may be that there is something better suited to you. Please watch it with the weed too- this is not good news for a lot of ppl with BP and may not be helping. There are plenty of other meds and it may be that one of them suits you better and helps things settle.

Take good care

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