I can't move on *trigger*

Hey all.

Sorry, I haven't been around for a bit. Just been trying to pull my life back together and finding it really tough.

6 months ago I ended up in a coma for a week after hanging myself in a psych hospital. My family were told I wouldn't make it but I did. They were then told that my brain damage would be very extensive due to lack of oxygen and I did have a lot of problems at first with walking and speaking but now I am mostly okay except for struggling with memory and having apraxia.

So I quit my career as a psychologist and am about to qualify as a personal trainer. My hubby and I moved cities to be near my family and friends. All this was meant to make my life less stressful so I wouldn't get so ill. Yet I just can't get past what has happened. Weird stuff happened when I was in the coma and it feels like stuff that really happened, even though it was just in my head. Some days I feel okay and then out of the blue I get really strong suicidal feelings and an urge to just do it. I can't talk to my relatives about it as they are already petrified of me getting ill again. I have a good CPN and have just started with a new therapist so maybe that will help. But I look forward to nothing. All I can see is a whole lot of effort to put my life back together and watching it all fall down again. And I'm so so tired of that, it's exhausting.

I don't really know what I'm expecting anyone to say. Just wanted to put to people who might understand, it's a lonely business when you can't tell the closest people in your life how things really are for you.

Thanks, best wishes to all.
keenie

Hugs keenie. I know that's not a lot. But still... hugs.

You've been through a LOT. Frankly I am surprised that six months on you're already busy planning a new career -- that's strength to admire. Look at yourself -- you weren't supposed to even live and you're qualifying as a personal trainer. You're doing as well as humanly possible in this situation. Perhaps too well? You mention it's exhausting... I bet it is.

I am glad you have a good CPN and hope the new therapist is very helpful as well. And maybe we can help you as well. Don't be too tough on yourself and don't expect to "move on" from near death in mere six months. It will get easier. In the meantime I hope your therapist can help with those feelings.

This may sound odd as I'm just a stranger on the Interwebz but I am really personally glad to still have you with us, and I keep fingers crossed that you will feel better soon. Be good to yourself.

Hi Keenie,
I'm glad you posted.
And I'm glad you are past the worst part of getting well.

Be gentle on yourself. You've been through a lot.

Good luck as a personal trainer. My oldest son, 29, is a personal trainer and Ironman. He loves the training and competing. I have great respect for him, and you for your dedication.

Take Care,

Hey Keenie. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, that is really rough. Just go easy on yourself and try not to think about it as much (easier said than done). With a great therapist, I think this is what I would definitely talk about it in there until you start feeling about it. You definitely want to be able to go on and get this disease we all suffer from under control 100%.

Try to feel better,

Take care
Jake

Hi Keenie

Good to hear from you but sorry that things are a struggle for you

I think that it is bound to take you time to be able to heal from this as it is a huge thing to have happened to you and is a lot to process. You are doing so well with everything but please be gentle with yourself and take your time. Lean on those who are involved in your care and let them help you. With time things will be better but it is OK for it to still be difficult for you.

Huge hugs

Cracked

Thanks guys, for all your kind words. I guess it's just a one-day-at-a-time thing. It's just so strange- the inside of my head trying to fit in with the outside world which just carries on as normal around me. But I guess we all know what that feels like!

My CPN is pushing to have me put back in hospital but I am refusing to go. Everything just gets worse when I go into hospital. So now I'm having to lie to her about how things are cos I'm worried about being sectioned again. Thank god for therapists! I know if she was really worried she'd break confidentiality, but it's a space to talk about how things are without anyone instantly panicking. Off to see her this evening, hopefully it will help.

Due to finish my personal training course this week then I have a week off before I start working, hopefully a week off will help too.

Thanks all, I'm so glad we have each other.
Best, keenie

Tell me what is a CPN?

I really hope your time as a personal trainer will be rewarding. My son has some really excellent long term clients who are more like friends. You will probably have time in the day to do your own workout so that you are a good example to your clients. Nothing wrong with shedding an inch here or there if you need to and developing tight muscles.

Your attitude to returning to hospital is interesting. It goes both ways. People who refuse treatment and need to be sectioned, and people who would live their whole lives between the walls of the hospital if they could.

I hope you are able to develop a little confidence, and not dwell on the possibility that they could take you back. It is sort of like "You are what you think" Not exactly. Our thoughts influence who we are, but they do not totally define us.

Take care, Keenie.
And stay in touch.

Hugs Keenie

I am glad you have your therapist as a safe space. Do you have anything in place where you know you need to go into hospital when....? Might be worth thinking about so ppl are not just jumping to get you in the minute things are not so good, but that you are not keeping things from ppl and avoiding admission when you perhaps need to be in hospital.

Please take good care

Hugs

Cracked