Struggling

First, let me admit that reading through all the recent post is a struggle for me between lack of focus and the fact that my head is extremely messed up right now.

For the last couple of weeks things have not been going well. Last Monday, I had my weekly therapy appointment and after arguing with my psychologist because I refused to advocate for myself he told me it sounded like I was in a major depressive episode. I blew off the idea. I just thought I was angry and in a "mood". I didnt want to try and make my general physician understand the physical pain I was in. I thought I wasnt being heard.
As the week progressed, my anger has worsened. My rage increased. Ive not only externalized it but Ive severely wanted to turn it on myself. Ive screamed at people. My friends have had to defuse situations. I was forced into calling my psychologist because I basically felt hopeless. I still feel hopeless. I just know how to play him so he wont have me hospitalized. My thoughts are constantly on suicide but I have no intention to act. I just feel like its the only way the rapid cycling will ever end. We think we get it controlled and suddenly Im thrown off and out of control. I dont want to work. I dont want to leave my apartment. I cry everytime I have to see my psychologist and I absolutely love seeing him and being in his office with his employees and partners. I just dread being in the real world. It makes me miserable.
I have no questions. I just need to get it out. Im miserable and no one seems to get it. The one person I know with Bipolar doesnt seem to want exposed to it which I totally get. The other person who gets it can only do so much. I just feel alone and lost.

Hang in there! Things are really tough right now, but, hang in there, okay? And, yes, please, let it out all here as much as you want to.

ANewBeginning wrote:As the week progressed, my anger has worsened. My rage increased. Ive not only externalized it but Ive severely wanted to turn it on myself. Ive screamed at people. My friends have had to defuse situations. I was forced into calling my psychologist because I basically felt hopeless. I still feel hopeless.

This is always the case. We identify the starting phase as just a mood. But, that mood is the problem, right? One point of neglecting things and it worsens. What did your psychologist say? Are you on meds now? Rapid cycling is scary, and in my case it results in mixed episodes.
I wish I had wiser things to say, but, my depressive episodes are full of agitation and I try to listen to music. It doesn't get me out of the phase, but, it gives me temporary relief. Please, don't lose hope.

I am really sorry to hear that things are difficult for you. Please be totally honest with your team about this so they can do what they need to to help you- even if you dont want to. I hope that writing stuff here has helped even just a little bit by getting things out. Keep talking if it helps and we will try to support you through this. better days will come.

Huge hugs

Cracked

My psychologist is great. His first question is "do we need to go to the hospital?" I will always say no. His next question is "what can I do to help?" Of course, Im stumped on the answer. Generally, talking to him can calm me down some. On Friday he advised me to go to the hospital if things worsened over the weekend. Today has been easier but Im exhausted. Still dont want to work tomorrow and Ill see my psychologist tomorrow afternoon.

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It does stink when you think you finally have everything sorted and it's ripped out from under you...that would be bipolar disorder. I'm glad today has been better and hope you get some rest before you work tomorrow. Sleep/being well-rested is important to keep moods regulated. (I always think a sleep schedule is helpful, but I do also understand the need for naps!)

Keep talking here and let us know how you are.

ANewBeginning wrote:I was forced into calling my psychologist because I basically felt hopeless. I still feel hopeless. I just know how to play him so he wont have me hospitalized. My thoughts are constantly on suicide but I have no intention to act. I just feel like its the only way the rapid cycling will ever end. We think we get it controlled and suddenly Im thrown off and out of control. I dont want to work. I dont want to leave my apartment.

Just wanted to say this is EXACTLY how I have been feeling in the last weeks. *hug* You're not alone. I wish I had something more helpful than "hang in there" to say. But, well... let's both hang in there. Or here.

Things are going better but it only worries me that Im in between episodes.... ugh.

ANewBeginning wrote:Things are going better but it only worries me that Im in between episodes.... ugh.

Yes, we were taught such a horrible lie when we were young.
All the fairy tales ended with, "...and they lived happily ever after."

Take things one day at a time. If things get really bad, think only an hour ahead.
"I am going to be OK (not hurt myself, break something, or get angry and shout) for the next hour". Then do what you need to do to make it happen. Lay down in bed, go for a walk, brew a pot of herbal tea, call my psychologist, listen to music... there are lots of options.

You are in such pain. We understand, but there is nothing we can do except send you a few kind words of encouragement. I'm going out after I post this to my Mood Disorder Support Group. They really understand, and have their own struggles too. I don't feel alone there.

Take care,