I hate doing this

I really do hate doing this. I hate coming here and anonymously tell no one in particular how awful I feel. I hate thinking that someone actually cares when I know that no one really does. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but no one else seems to bat an eye at what is my life falling apart. I have scars on my arm and I did them at first for myself I just wanted the mental pain to go away if only for a short while. The physical pain and blood distracted me. I find now though that I want people to see them. I don't want them to ask because it embarrasses me, I just want them to know. I want someone who self injures to see them, because they would understand. I need a hug, a real one. I want a hug from someone who knows what I have been going through and who actually cares. Sadly that person does not exist. I am forced to hide my pain and my upset. I keep my thoughts and emotions inside. People can see the lack of joy in me but they don't know what is really going on inside. No one cares about me. You can say you do, but honestly and no offense intended, no one here knows me. So, I hate this. I hate doing this. I hate thinking the thoughts I think. I hate myself, I hate my life. How much longer must this go on? I know it won't change. Maybe for you it did, but not for me. I've had my chance and I blew it.

I'm sorry wretched1. I am one of those strangers on the other side of the internet who doesn't really understand. I have never hurt myself on purpose. How can I understand?
I try to see your point of view. I try to feel your pain. If I could I would come along side you and walk with you a while. You have your pain. And I have my pain. How can we understand each other? I don't know but I come to the forum knowing I am part of a community here. I am not alone. You are not alone. How can I help you feel that you are not alone deep in your heart?
How can I show you that my empathy with you is real?

Contributing on the forum is not easy. This is not Face Book, or Linked In. I don't want to take a picture of the cheese cake I am about to eat and post it for the world to see. Really there is no cheese cake. I just say that to show how mindless and foolish much of social media is.

I turn 60 this year. These are the best days of my life. You can have that abundance, that joy too. Maybe not today, or this week, but real peace inside is possible.

I hope you stay connected here. I want to know you are still with us. I want you to know you are not alone.

Take care,

I really wish I could be there with you. There's nothing anyone can say, there are no words that can help. For me, the only thing that can help just a bit at times like these is physical contact. Unfortunately, nobody can do that online. I wish I could. I wish there was someone there with you to hug you and hold you tight, someone to let you cry on their shoulder in silence.

I understand how the physical pain helps. I don't want to get too descriptive, so let me just say I know how the sight of blood and the feeling the act itself produces can help. But it's so temporary, it's over in a split second, and the consequences can last for a lifetime. Please try your hardest to avoid doing that, please!

I know I don't know you personally, but I care. I care as much as someone online can care, and I know for a fact I'm not the only one. It's not enough, I know it's not, but it's the best I can offer.

Stay strong, Wretched, don't give up!
Lots of hugs, even if they are only virtual.

Hi

I used to self harm a lot and I understand a bit about all the feelings it gives you. One thing I thought might help you is to check out the self harm forum here. People there will understand and i hope it would help you.

The fact you are self harming means that you need to listen to yourself and get the amount of help that you need.

Please keep safe

Hugs

Cracked

When will it get better? WHEN?

This is the only place beyond my therapist and my psychiatrist where people understand me. A lot of people know my disorder but they don't understand it beyond that. I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I know it is real and it is there. I wish I could make it just go away but myself I deal with mental pain too and it doesn't work that way. Hang in there!

Sorry for my bad english. I understand exactly what you mean but i have come to like forums where i can say exactly what i feel and someone understand it. If i tell my wife she talks of hospital when i feel bad and wants to kill myself. I do hate that anonymous people understand me better then my family.

wretched1 wrote:When will it get better? WHEN?

Honest answer is I dont know but it does - or that certainly seems to be the case based on my experience and also my time modding here and seeing other ppls' experiences.

Cracked

The best thing with this disorder is that everything shall pass.
The worst thing with this disorder is that everything shall pass.

When I am depressed, I have to remind myself sometimes every minute of the day that it will eventually get better. That the anxiety and crippling despair will go. When I am hypomanic, I have to force myself to cut down on my antidepressant before I go so high that I come up with brilliant business ideas that I shall be executing between one sexual encounter and another. When I'm stable... I just don't want to think it will end.

So, yeah, basically the answer is -- just like Cracked said -- "I don't know". But I hope that the answer for you is "very soon".

Big hugs.

A big part of my problem is situational. I cannot get a handle on my life and every time things seem to be getting better they get worse. When something negative happens my brain gets on an out of control freight train that just keeps picking up speed. I am holding on but I don't know how long I can hold on for when there is no relief in sight.
Thanks though I am very alone.