"Are you a good person?" For the first time ever I didn't know the answer.
This is something somebody asked me the other day. Before I would not have wondered. I am a gentle, passive, caring, compassionate, and considerate person. But now, and for the last couple of months (since January) I have relapsed into a terrible mixed state. Now, I don't know the answer to that question. I am self-centered, apathetic, with violent and suicidal thoughts. That is not a good person.
I've been away from the forum for a long time. I think this above summarises what's been going on. It's the thoughts of dying that has gotten worse in the last 2-3 days. And the sensory overload.
My meds were pushed up about a month and a half ago. Epilim went from 1500mg to 2000 per day. I got sleeping pills as well. The dosage increase must be working since my anxiety is almost away. I stopped biting my nails. And my sex drive is just about obliterated. I haven't masturbated or felt the need to in almost 3 weeks. I don't think that has happened ever (And I started masturbating at the age of 7).
I see a shrink about every 3 weeks or so. Unfortunately the last time I saw her was a really good day and it seemed to her that I'm doing better. I thought I was going to too.
Since Tuesday I've felt every day that I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to come to this job filled with @ssholes. I hate it here. If it wasn't for my parents I would've considered offing myself. I don't want to make them sad. So luckily (luckily?) it is not an option. I just drag on now.