"Are you a good person?"

"Are you a good person?" For the first time ever I didn't know the answer.

This is something somebody asked me the other day. Before I would not have wondered. I am a gentle, passive, caring, compassionate, and considerate person. But now, and for the last couple of months (since January) I have relapsed into a terrible mixed state. Now, I don't know the answer to that question. I am self-centered, apathetic, with violent and suicidal thoughts. That is not a good person.

I've been away from the forum for a long time. I think this above summarises what's been going on. It's the thoughts of dying that has gotten worse in the last 2-3 days. And the sensory overload.

My meds were pushed up about a month and a half ago. Epilim went from 1500mg to 2000 per day. I got sleeping pills as well. The dosage increase must be working since my anxiety is almost away. I stopped biting my nails. And my sex drive is just about obliterated. I haven't masturbated or felt the need to in almost 3 weeks. I don't think that has happened ever (And I started masturbating at the age of 7).

I see a shrink about every 3 weeks or so. Unfortunately the last time I saw her was a really good day and it seemed to her that I'm doing better. I thought I was going to too.

Since Tuesday I've felt every day that I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to come to this job filled with @ssholes. I hate it here. If it wasn't for my parents I would've considered offing myself. I don't want to make them sad. So luckily (luckily?) it is not an option. I just drag on now.

Hi never42

Welcome back

In terms of whether or not you are a good person from what I know of you, you are. And i suspect that being wobbly from a mood pov is making you have a spin on things that you would not otherwise have and thinking of yourself as a worse person than you are.

On that subject it sounds like things are pretty miserable for you atm. When do you next see your Dr again- can you let them know things are not as good as they thought they were? It might be a good plan to so they can reassess things and see if anything more needs to be done

I am glad you have a reason not to kill yourself but I know that having a reason can make you feel trapped which is not a good thing. I really hope you stop feeling like this soon.

Take really good care of yourself and keep safe. I am glad you are back

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks CrackedGirl.

I'm seeing the shrink in about 2 weeks again. The psychiatrist I only see if I make an appointment.

People have started to notice that something is up. Funnily enough my boss who doesn't know about the bipolar just told me I look like I'm better from being "sick", when in fact I feel worse than ever. (I'd like to thank The Academy)

Could it be that the Epilim is working too well that it is pushing me into a low? I mean, I think it's working quite well in term of anxiety (and libido). I have stopped drinking alcohol by doctors orders. Besides that it interferes with the meds, it comes down to impulse control. I feel depro about that too. Social awkwardness is something that sprouted and alcohol used help for that.

P.S. Just some background on the person who asked me if I'm a good person. I am seeing a girl at the moment. It's semi-long distance and it's the first time in about 3 years. Because we don't see each other often she doesn't see me like this. But anyway, it was her close friend who asked me if I am a good person. I was so taken aback when I didn't know if I was or not.

never42 wrote:I'm seeing the shrink in about 2 weeks again. The psychiatrist I only see if I make an appointment.

I hope that the next appt goes well - dont be afraid to bring things forward if you need to tho

never42 wrote:People have started to notice that something is up. Funnily enough my boss who doesn't know about the bipolar just told me I look like I'm better from being "sick", when in fact I feel worse than ever. (I'd like to thank The Academy)

It is difficult when you have a mask on and ppl dont really know what is going on for you. being told you look well when you feel lousy is tough. Hugs

never42 wrote:Could it be that the Epilim is working too well that it is pushing me into a low? I mean, I think it's working quite well in term of anxiety (and libido). I have stopped drinking alcohol by doctors orders. Besides that it interferes with the meds, it comes down to impulse control. I feel depro about that too. Social awkwardness is something that sprouted and alcohol used help for that.

In terms of the Epilim I am not totally sure but I know someone who this seemed to happen to. their valproate was upped and they became very depressed. I am not sure if it was down to the valproate or not tho but they coincided. Might be worth asking your Dr about this. Well done on stopping the alcohol - sounds like it has been a tough thing to do with the social stuff.

never42 wrote:P.S. Just some background on the person who asked me if I'm a good person. I am seeing a girl at the moment. It's semi-long distance and it's the first time in about 3 years. Because we don't see each other often she doesn't see me like this. But anyway, it was her close friend who asked me if I am a good person. I was so taken aback when I didn't know if I was or not.

Sounds like her friend was looking out for her to me. You are a good person and I hope things go well with the relationship

Hugs

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:Sounds like her friend was looking out for her to me. You are a good person and I hope things go well with the relationship

Yea, she was giving me the talk. I hope I made a good impression.
I decided to the girl I'm seeing early on about the bipolar. She seemed okay with it. I'll keep you guys updated. I'm seeing her this weekend again.

Cannot say anything to your topic, but i really like your avatar and how it relates to bipolar.

never42 wrote:

CrackedGirl wrote:Sounds like her friend was looking out for her to me. You are a good person and I hope things go well with the relationship

Yea, she was giving me the talk. I hope I made a good impression.
I decided to the girl I'm seeing early on about the bipolar. She seemed okay with it. I'll keep you guys updated. I'm seeing her this weekend again.

I hope this weekend goes well for you

Hugs

Cracked

From what you have told us, I think you are a good person.
The illness and meds change how we feel about ourselves and how we act, but you still are the person you are. To quote you, "I am a gentle, passive, caring, compassionate, and considerate person." That is the real you.

I spent my childhood and half my adult life feeling like a miserable sinner who was unworthy of the love that people had for me. I tried my best at everything I did mainly for the positive feedback. I didn't trust significant people and family when they praised me. My feeling inside was, "You wouldn't think that about me if you really knew me." Life was difficult.

After I was diagnosed, I received the talk therapy that I needed and my outlook on life changed.

Trust your therapist and tell them everything. That way, you will have shared the burden and you will not feel so alone.

You are a good person!
Take Care,

I think, by default, suicidal thoughts create a bit of egocentric behavior. But that is to be expected. How can a person be expected to see someone else when they can't even see the light at the end of their own tunnel? It's just hard. And it doesn't make you a bad person. It means at that moment in time, you are suffering, and you need to focus on yourself. And violent thoughts are just that - thoughts. If you don't act on them, you have not hurt anybody.

I hear you about someone catching you on a good day and thinking you're doing better. It's almost insulting, but how can you tell them that? And my issue is, with hypomania, people who don't know me or don't know much about psychology/bipolar disorder may not know the difference. They might think I'm just really, really hyper, or they may take me seriously when I disclose my elaborate plans. And it is tough to know what to say at that point, especially when you might not want to drag yourself down by talking about bad things. But, you can always call your therapist to see if she can chat with you or make a more prompt appointment. If that does not work, please look up a crisis hotline in your country and have it handy should you need it.

Personally, I think it's great that you have a reason to keep going, even if you don't want to. That's great. (I know it may not seem that way to you - sometimes I even resented people who were keeping me alive because, if it weren't for them, I could've just died.) I hope you keep going. The one bright side to bipolar is that things will get better, inevitably.

Huge hugs and keep talking.