Feeling 'stuck' in life and afraid for my future

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and I wanted to get how I’m feeling at the moment off my chest, in the hopes that someone can relate and it might help others in a similar position.

As I said in the title, I feel at a very ‘stuck’ point in my life right now. It’s been a very tough few years with my bipolar and I’m struggling to get back to where I’d like to be.

Just to give a bit of a back story to what led up to this point... In January ’11, I had a severe manic episode and psychotic break, triggered by the stress and isolation of working abroad at the time. I took myself to hospital in the foreign country I was living in and was hospitalised for a few days, for the first time. After coming home to the UK for treatment and to be looked after by my mum, I returned to complete my work contract.
After returning to the UK once I’d finished, I fell into a crippling depression. This was unsuccessfully managed by two inadequate psychiatrists I was seeing during this time. My response was to try to ‘fight through’ the depression by taking another job abroad, which was a constant struggle and I only lasted six months. This time, I decided to come back to the UK for treatment and luckily landed upon a very good psychiatrist. I’ve been in remission since March ’13.

However, I’m really feeling like I’m stagnating at the moment. I’m only doing bits of irregular part time work, despite having a Masters degree and being offered two full time jobs since I’ve been back home. I live in a small town as that’s where my family home is and feel quite socially isolated. I have one or two friends that I see occasionally, and my boyfriend- although I’m having doubts about our relationship.

I do have vague plans for the future as there’s a professional course I’d like to take which, if I get on it, should start in September. I just really fear for my future as I know how much my illness can take over. I’ve been suffering with bipolar disorder since I was 14 (diagnosed around 16), and I’m now 28. I’ve never been ‘out of action’ so to speak, for so long, and it’s hard not to imagine a future of over dependence on family and professional failure.

I fully realise how damaging my negative take on my life is, and am having CBT to try and address this, along with medication.

Can any of you relate to how I’m feeling? Any advice on what you did/are doing to get out of it would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Hi L'ennui.
I started by looking up your name...Boredom...in french.

You sound like a very dedicated and dependable employee. Going back to finish your contract shows real character. In spite of that, you are plagued by self doubt.

You've got a good psychiatrist now, and that's a real asset. I hope you are entitled to some talk therapy along with medication. Talk therapy helped me understand where I had been, where I was, and how to proceed on where I wanted to go. Medication cleared my mind so that I could think properly.

I have found that we cannot rush the healing process. It will proceed at it's own pace, regardless of what we want. But talk therapy and medication helped me heal. I wasn't eligible to see a psychologist on my health plan so I paid to see one in private practice. He was very patient and let me go over the same stuff, week after week, until my understanding changed. His fees were my gift to myself. Mind you, I was back at work by that time so I could afford it.

Being close to your mum in your hometown sounds good, except for the town being quite dull.
Maybe there is an opportunity for you to volunteer. I drive cancer patients to their treatments. Perhaps you can visit people in an old folks home. Many of our senior citizens are not close to family and are very lonely and bored (ennui !) If you are patient with them, they can tell you wonderful stories of their life.

Be kind to yourself. Let your healing happen.
I think you are a gem and hope your future unfolds nicely for you.

Take care,

I don't have much to add. Strike that, I have nothing to add! Skilsaw gave you some great advice, though, as usual!

I just wanted to let you know that I relate to what you're going through. I feel like I'm stuck, exactly how you put it. I feel like I'll never be happy, no matter what I do. I feel booooooored!! I try to focus on what's going well in my life, and fortunately that's a lot. Maybe you could try the same? It seems like you have a loving family, something to look forward to in the future (that professional course you mention), and what's more, you are actively trying to do something about your illness, with CBT and meds. That's a lot of positive things in your life, and you should feel good with yourself because of it. I know it's not enough, at least it isn't for me, but it is something to be happy about.

I particularly liked Skilsaw's suggestion of finding volunteer work to do. It might give you a sense of feeling useful and reduce the boredom. Do you think this is something you'd benefit from?

Stay strong, and keep talking if it helps.

I understand where you are coming from. I was diagnosed aged 28 (I am 34 now) but had symptoms a lot younger. I was highly functioning in a professional job and since then I have had things change so much. I was diagnosed following a suicide attempt and this really changed my life. I can relate to feeling like you are in a rut and wondering where things are going. I do volunteer work and this helps and I try to do things i am interested in too. But i know what you mean.

One thing i would say to you tho is that you have had a lot happen to you and as this has taken time to happen so it will take time for things to rebuild. Take baby steps and you will get there but it will take time. Be patient with yourself.

Take good care

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you all so much for your replies. They've definitely brought me some comfort and it's reassuring to be in contact with people who relate.

Skilsaw- Yes, I came across the concept of 'l'ennui' while studying Baudelaire at university, and it seemed quite appropriate as a name, considering how I'm feeling right now!

Thank you... You're right, the self doubt I feel can often feel so consuming and leads me to the kind of paralysis I feel in life at the moment.

Yes, I'm so grateful to finally have a decent psychiatrist, and it's a huge relief now the medication side of things is sorted out. I'm entitled to CBT through the National Health Service, which I've been having since May '13. We usually meet for an hour, every two weeks- and are particularly working on my feelings of low self esteem, self critical thoughts and anxious predictions. I believe it's helping, but progress does feel slow. I'm so glad that a combination of medication and therapy has helped you to heal.

I think overall it's best for me to be at home for now, though the town is pretty lifeless! Volunteering has been suggested to me before, and I've only half heartedly looked into it I'm afraid to say, as I've been so focused on trying to find paid work. It's definitely something to consider though, as it must be very fulfilling to be helping others in need.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you the very best.

Invicta- Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry you're struggling with the same 'stuck' feelings, although it seems as if you're focussing on the positives in your life. That's something I don't do enough, and I'll try my best to move away from dwelling on the negatives so much. I'm aware it only brings myself and other people down.

I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve in life.

CrackedGirl- Thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry to hear of all you have been through, and the time around your diagnosis especially must have been very traumatic. It can be so difficult to deal with the drastic changes brought on through illness, which can be particularly marked, if- like yourself- you were previously a high functioning and successful professional.

It sounds as if you're being proactive and taking a positive view of life though, despite sometimes feeling in a rut. I'll try to take your advice and be patient, as I know realistically it will take time to rebuild.

Take care of yourself too. You do some great work for this forum and I look forward to seeing you around.