boss, parents, and p-doc

I've been meaning to discuss this for a while now, but always put it off for one reason or another. Today something happened that triggered me into posting this. Maybe I can get a different perspective from you guys.

So, first my boss talked to a friend about me. Then, my parents called my p-doc. Several times. Then my doctor called my parents and met with them. Now, my boss again talked to my friend asking for my parents' number, which I found out today.

My boss is apparently worried because I haven't been performing as I should and have been losing weight. Why doesn't he talk to me? Why go to my friend twice and my parents? Wtf?? My parents are worried because I had to move back in with them for a few months. I guess they got to see what it's really like and it freaked them out. They've called and e-mailed my doc several times. My doctor is worried because I refuse to increase the lithium, so she called them to meet with them.

I'm trying to be rational about this, but my emotions are a bit overwhelming. I feel like everyone's treating me like a child. I am not a child. I'm getting this really strong urge to start acting like a child. Everyone's already treating me like one, so why not? I get that everyone's worried, I understand that. This is the sole reason why I haven't done anything stupid yet (not talking about suicide!).

This is my life, my future, my choice. I know people care, I know that's a good thing. But I don't care, and nobody can force me to care. So, I guess what I'm asking is am I being that much of an idiot or do I have some reasons to be upset? Or both? And how about you? Have you ever had other people communicating with your doctor or parents or SO? How did it make you feel? Oh, and one more thing: how would you handle it if it were your boss? I don't think he'll talk to me, the guy hates confrontations. Should I go talk to him? Maaaaan, what a mess!

Sorry for the lengthy post.

Wow..Ok..No one really has the buisness to discuss you or your personal life.It is unprofessional of your boss to contact your parents.I can see asking aa close friend of yours a few questions........But going to your parents???Nope...Id be pissed.
I dont know what state you live in or if you even live in the states.Keep that private for it isnt our buisness.I just bring that up because unless you signed some kind of papers stating that your parents are your guardians,or were some kind of warden of the state,there is this medical thing called the PRIVACY ACT...If you are over 18..some places 16, I dont think it is legal for pdocs or any doc for that matter to discuss your medical history with anyone unless otherwise stated by you,or if you become comatose,or institutionalized,and do become a warden of the state.Basically something major has to go on where you cant answer or comprehend your treatment for docs to discuss private info with anyone including family.
But on that note..why dont you care about yourself?Dont give these people a reason to invade your privacy..or try to invade your space.Boundries and respect are set for a reason.If people think you arent thriving they will try to intervene if they care.The more everyone oversteps your privacy..the more anxiety you will get and it will become a viscious cycle.Good luck and please take care.Remember too that this is just my opinion..nothing less and nothing more..XX {gosh..i hope this doesnt double post.my phone is funky}

Thanks a lot for your reply, Starbright!

starbright333 wrote:Wow..Ok..No one really has the buisness to discuss you or your personal life.It is unprofessional of your boss to contact your parents.I can see asking aa close friend of yours a few questions........But going to your parents???Nope...Id be pissed.

Thank you!! I keep second-guessing myself, but on this one I really think I have a right to be pissed! He hasn't contacted them. Yet, anyway. I can understand his concern, what I can't understand is why he doesn't come to me first.

starbright333 wrote:I dont know what state you live in or if you even live in the states.Keep that private for it isnt our buisness.I just bring that up because unless you signed some kind of papers stating that your parents are your guardians,or were some kind of warden of the state,there is this medical thing called the PRIVACY ACT...If you are over 18..some places 16, I dont think it is legal for pdocs or any doc for that matter to discuss your medical history with anyone unless otherwise stated by you,or if you become comatose,or institutionalized,and do become a warden of the state.Basically something major has to go on where you cant answer or comprehend your treatment for docs to discuss private info with anyone including family.

I'm in Europe, actually, but there are very strong privacy laws in my country, as well as ethics codes. But I think I may have misled you. My doctor did not discuss any medical history with my parents. She expressed her concern and mentioned she thought I'd be doing a lot better if I were taking my meds as prescribed. She told me she wanted to talk to them, given the good relationship I have with my parents. To which I replied "Fine, you could talk to the Pope for all I care!". Yeah, I was in a bad mood... I believe she hoped my parents could talk some sense into me. I hope this is clear now, I was pretty mad when I wrote that first post, so I may have been unclear on this topic. It just makes me feel like a child, and I don't appreciate the feeling.

starbright333 wrote:But on that note..why dont you care about yourself?Dont give these people a reason to invade your privacy..or try to invade your space.Boundries and respect are set for a reason.If people think you arent thriving they will try to intervene if they care.The more everyone oversteps your privacy..the more anxiety you will get and it will become a viscious cycle.Good luck and please take care.Remember too that this is just my opinion..nothing less and nothing more..XX {gosh..i hope this doesnt double post.my phone is funky}

I know! It makes me feel guilty... I have all these people around me who care so much for me and try to help me as best they can, and I just throw it all away. I'm really the only person who can do something to help myself. I know how lucky I am to have all these caring people surrounding me. Yet, I can't bring myself to care. I don't know why, but I honestly don't care. I wasn't even worried about my professional future, I was just mad that my boss went and bothered my friend and wants to bother my parents!

Ah, I don't know. I guess eventually this feeling will pass and I'll start to care. I hope so! Thanks again so very much for your words, it meant a lot.

I'd be frustrated too if my boss, parents and p-doc were discussing me behind my back.
If you've got a problem with me, talk to me. All other talk is gossip.

That's the bad news.
The good news is that you have a circle of people around you who care about you and want what's best for you, regardless of the ethics of discussing you behind your back. My doctor, wife, parents and boss were discussing me and I didn't know. I resented it when I found out, but acknowledging that they were concerned about my behavior, and felt unable to discuss it with me made a difference.

I suggest you ask your parents, doc and boss to come to a meeting with you so that they can air all of their concerns.

I would be less likely to pronounce absolutes. (I won't take more medication.) and try to be open to what everyone has to say. They may annoy you at first, but after some time for reflection, you may gain some insight by what they tell you.

Now try and relax. Nursing anger and frustration is bad for your health. *mod edit*

Take care,

Wow, Skilsaw! What a wonderful way of summing it up!

skilsaw wrote:I resented it when I found out, but acknowledging that they were concerned about my behavior, and felt unable to discuss it with me made a difference.

I guess you're right. The fact that those closest to me feel like they can't get through to me should make me think.

skilsaw wrote:I suggest you ask your parents, doc and boss to come to a meeting with you so that they can air all of their concerns.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that! No way! I can't explain it, but I'd feel too backed into a corner, I don't think I'd be able to utter a word! I will be talking to my parents this weekend, and I'll most likely talk to my boss next week. This can't go on like this, I acknowledge that. But I couldn't talk to them together!

skilsaw wrote:I would be less likely to pronounce absolutes. (I won't take more medication.) and try to be open to what everyone has to say. They may annoy you at first, but after some time for reflection, you may gain some insight by what they tell you.

They do annoy me! But still, I'm able to see their point of view, and even agree on most stuff. Just can't seem to act on it, I always listen to that part of me whispering "I don't need these meds, back off!". Maybe now with my boss involved this will change?

skilsaw wrote:Now try and relax. Nursing anger and frustration is bad for your health.

I'm trying. Yesterday was bad, but I think I'm feeling a bit better today. Let's see how it goes. And I'm very happy about my weight, it's everyone else who seems to have a problem with it! I find it healthier and I feel better with myself. But I can understand the concern.

Thank you so much for your reply, Skilsaw. I'll be sure to let you all know what I decide and how it goes.

Just to give you an update:

Yesterday I talked to my boss. He kept pestering my friend for my parents' number, so I decided that we really needed to talk. So, I told him about my diagnosis. He didn't seem surprised, but then again, he never looks surprised! I should tell you that he has a background in Psychology, so there really wasn't a need to explain things.

Basically, he said that I was not doing my job as was expected, and certainly not like I used to a few years ago. Also, he said this has been going on for way too long, and we can't afford reaching the end of my scholarship and having no work to show for it. I told him I didn't want medical leave, since I don't think that would be helpful for me. He agreed. We decided that I'd be in a sort of trial period for a couple of weeks and we'll see how it goes. He also said that, in case things don't work out, I could take on other less demanding tasks for a while and then when things are more stable take on my PhD work again.

I gave him my parents' numbers, since I don't want him to think I'm hiding anything. He called them right after. It seems to me that he was worried, which is obviously a good thing. I'm fortunate to have someone who cares as a boss.

So, I'm on probation! It doesn't make me happy, but I completely understand. It makes me feel kinda like a complete failure, but I know that's not true, so I just try and ignore it. I so hope it works out!!

Thanks again for everyone's replies. Have I mentioned I love this forum?? I'm pretty sure I have!

So sorry to hear Invicta! Glad your boss is being understanding but I can see why you don't feel well about your "probation". I'd be quite upset if my boss wanted to talk to my parents must admit -- if it happens with your full knowledge and permission, though, it makes things better.

Don't have much advice but I have a lot of hugs for you. Hope things straighten out soon!

Thanks a lot for your kind words, Oliveira. I was very upset when I first heard about it, but I do understand it comes from his concern from me, which of course is a good thing. And what's more, it stems from my own mistakes, so I can't really complain. Things seem to be headed in the right direction now, so I guess it's all good. I'll let you guys know how everything turns out. It's up to me now!