Advice until appointment

Hi everybody,
I've just recently been looking around here and could relate to some of the traits discussed here. I haven't had a diagnosis yet. So for the mean time, I'm keeping my mind open for any possibilities of what's going on with me.

Recently and over the past 3 years, I feel like it's getting worse, my crying spells happen more often. I've had scarier and scarier suicidal thoughts. I am really trying to focus on my studies but feel like I'm gradually losing the ability to function properly.
I can't concentrate that well anymore, I skip on my exams after studying for it and I miss my appointments. I can't even seem to do normal chores at times, more so now. I feel like I'm ruining my life.

I've never told anybody about this. I rarely go out so it's easy to hide my feelings when I do. At first I thought I was just not motivating myself enough. But this cycle is exhausting me. Just a few months ago I was fine, content with my life, studying a lot for an exam. But after awhile, I crashed and go into this dark place. At one point I was crying for no reason and remember thinking, if I don't get help, I might end up dead.

I fell into a dark place than ever before and got scared. I finally had the courage to get help and made an appointment a month ago. I was looking forward to getting the much needed help just to be postponed for another month.

I don't want a diagnosis, I just need some advice before I fall even deeper. I don't know what I'm going through and I hope you guys have some advice until my appointment so I could stay strong and accomplish my goals in finishing university.

How do you keep yourself in check between therapy sessions/appointments?

A few days ago I was laid up in bed doing nothing but thinking about suicide and self harming I also had a failed suicide attempt over Christmas. However Tuesday I had to get up and clean for reasons I'd rather not go into. When I cleaned I was busy and I started to feel better the busier I was the better I felt so my advice is keep busy. As much as you don't want to do much right now it really does help.

Izzie wrote:How do you keep yourself in check between therapy sessions/appointments?

Sometimes I will come here and use the forums, I have called my local crisis line when in need, or a peer warm line. During my therapy appointments my therapist often gives me something to focus on in between our sessions so I try to work on those things and see how they go. I often find making lists very helpful. if I'm not doing well my lists will be filled with super small tasks like:

make a cup of tea
watch one tv show
clean one dish
brush teeth

etc. I will break the tasks down so that each of the steps are small enough that they feel doable.

Sorry to hear you're going through such hard times. I can relate to studying for exams and then just skipping them. It was deeply frustrating and harmful for my self-esteem. On the upside, though, you are seeking help, and that is one mighty step! Try and keep that in mind, it takes strength to ask for help, give yourself some credit.

It's not easy dealing with depression. I know staying in bed and not doing anything all day isn't helpful, but it's just so hard to get up and do something! Everything seems daunting, everything takes such huge effort. I really like Cheze's suggestion. Make a list of very small tasks. You'll feel better every time you finish one of them. It may sound silly, but for me showering is one huge accomplishment. I like how Cheze broke the tasks down. Like, instead of "doing the dishes" you have "clean one dish". It's a lot more manageable than looking at a whole pile of them. And who knows? Maybe once you get started on one dish you'll actually do the rest.

There are other things I've found help, but the biggest problem is always finding the energy to do them. Going out for a walk, for example, or for coffee with friends. Sometimes watching a movie or reading a book helps distract me. Anything to get my mind off stupid ideas and maybe give me a little motivation to do something.

I hope you can stay strong. Please try your best to not judge yourself harshly. It is not your fault that your brain chemistry is a bit off. You are seeking help and things will improve.

Hugs

Crawling wrote:A few days ago I was laid up in bed doing nothing but thinking about suicide and self harming I also had a failed suicide attempt over Christmas. However Tuesday I had to get up and clean for reasons I'd rather not go into. When I cleaned I was busy and I started to feel better the busier I was the better I felt so my advice is keep busy. As much as you don't want to do much right now it really does help.

This is very good advice, better even is to keep busy doing things that are good for you / that will pay off in the future. You might not be able to see the benefits while being depressed, but it helps.

Avoid doing things like drinking alcohol or excessive playing of videogames, excessive watching of tv, etc. as they will only lead to more problems. Always take care of yourself first when depressed.

I hope I can keep myself busy for now. I'm trying to at least do a bit of my work these days but it's so difficult to just concentrate. It doesn't help that everybody is on my neck about when I'm finishing university. With my scholarship being cut off, I'm forced to think of how I'm going to pay rent, groceries, etc. And I don't even want to think of the pressure of finding the mandatory practical work experience after this. I have a long list of stuff to do and yet I don't even think of the consequences when I just don't do them.

Even when I feel fine, I still don't get the energy to do anything. I keep making to-do lists and not doing them. I probably need to tone down my goals a notch. For now, I'm kind of somewhat irritated I'm not taking care of my life. Yet I'm still spending my days, watching tv and ignoring any chores I have to do.

Thank you for the support. It's been a rough couple of months. And I have yet to cope for another month until my appointment. I finally reached out for help but felt like I was pushed back and made to wait. It makes me think that nobody wants to help me.

Hey Izzie!

It seems to me like you're thinking too much long-term. This in itself is a good thing, of course. People need to think about their futures and not just about tomorrow. But given the mood you're in, this can be a bad thing. It's too overwhelming. When it's hard to do stuff short-term, thinking about all the things you need to do in the future can paralyze you. As in "I'll never get the work experience I need, so why even bother with finishing this assignment?". As hard as it may sound, I really think you should focus on your very-short-term goals. What do you need to do today? Get out of bed. Check! That's one goal. When I'm depressed this can be a huge accomplishment on its own. Do you have an assignment for university? Write just one paragraph. Just one. For example, I'm a PhD student, so I need to read lots of research papers. I start by telling myself I just need to read the introduction. Then I can lie on the couch and watch something. After that, I promise myself I'll read just the methods section. And then I can reward myself with something I enjoy. It seems like really small stuff, but the alternative is doing absolutely nothing at all. I won't lie. Sometimes I can't do it. I just can't, I'm in a "f*ck it" attitude. I don't care about anything, not my future, nothing. But sometimes I manage, and sometimes I manage even more than I thought possible. You can too! Just remind yourself that it won't last forever.

Izzie wrote:I finally reached out for help but felt like I was pushed back and made to wait. It makes me think that nobody wants to help me.

I understand that's how it makes you feel, but please tell yourself it's not true. It's unfortunate, no doubt about it, but I'm sure it doesn't mean nobody wants to help you.

Hang in there and keep posting here if it's helpful.
Hugs

You've already received excellent advice. There isn't much I can add. I just wanted to say I've been there and know how black and dark life can be.

Since you stay inside and avoid people nobody knows how you are suffering.
Please phone a family member or friend and tell them a little bit of what is going on.
Then ask them to call you up and take you out for a walk a couple times a week. Tell them to be persistant and not take "No, not today" for an answer. Exercise is good for the body and the mind.

University is pretty much over for the year where I live. What would it be like to confide in your parents and ask them if you can move home?

Good Luck having your appointment with a mental health professional. If you are having serious thoughts of harming yourself, call them up and ask if they can get you an appointment sooner.

Take care,

Thank you for the replies, every single one of you.

I tried to keep smaller goals just to keep me going through the day. I did fall off the wagon there for awhile but i'm trying, right?

I wrote an email to the therapist I was suppose to see and it turns out that he postponed the appointment due to being sick, as in physically caught a cold. He emailed me back a few days ago giving me advice on starting to pick myself up again. He gave some good advice and hopefully he'll be a good fit to be my therapist.

I am starting to feel better about myself and I am trying. I really want to finish uni by July and I just have my thesis left to do. And I can proudly say I am actively trying to find a good topic for me for now. That is one heck of a hurdle for me to keep on finding a suitable one for me despite being rejected by some tutors because the thesis are taken, etc, etc.

AND THEN, just when I thought everything is going to be better. I just got an email a few hours ago from the office stating my scholarship is withheld and I have to pay tuition by the end of next month. I had a breakdown and cried fo awhile but i havent told anybody about it yet.

Just when i think i could fix my life..another thing comes along slapping me in the face saying i messed up.
Im sorry for wasting everyones time reading this. i just really need some support right now and i really dont want to end up hurting myself or the people around me.

Izzie wrote:I tried to keep smaller goals just to keep me going through the day. I did fall off the wagon there for awhile but i'm trying, right?

Exactly! Don't forget that, ever. Keep repeating it in your head if you need to, but don't let yourself forget it. Only those who try can "fall off the wagon", as you put it.

Izzie wrote:I wrote an email to the therapist I was suppose to see and it turns out that he postponed the appointment due to being sick, as in physically caught a cold. He emailed me back a few days ago giving me advice on starting to pick myself up again. He gave some good advice and hopefully he'll be a good fit to be my therapist.

I am starting to feel better about myself and I am trying. I really want to finish uni by July and I just have my thesis left to do. And I can proudly say I am actively trying to find a good topic for me for now. That is one heck of a hurdle for me to keep on finding a suitable one for me despite being rejected by some tutors because the thesis are taken, etc, etc.

These are all great news! You should feel very proud of yourself. It's not easy taking that step to reach out to the therapist, and it's certainly hard to find a topic for your thesis, one that you like and have tutors available. You're being very proactive and that's a big achievement in my book!

Izzie wrote:AND THEN, just when I thought everything is going to be better. I just got an email a few hours ago from the office stating my scholarship is withheld and I have to pay tuition by the end of next month. I had a breakdown and cried fo awhile but i havent told anybody about it yet.

Now this is a setback. It's understandable that you'd break down and cry! In fact, it would be strange to me if you weren't upset. Did they give you any reasons for this? Are you sure there hasn't been a mistake? Can they do that, just withhold your scholarship? Try and take a step back and look at things rationally. I know it's hard, it's a very emotional thing to happen, but try and make sure of what's happening. Contact the office to try and find out what's going on. Where I'm from they can't just take the scholarship back for no reason!

Izzie wrote:Just when i think i could fix my life..another thing comes along slapping me in the face saying i messed up.
Im sorry for wasting everyones time reading this. i just really need some support right now and i really dont want to end up hurting myself or the people around me.

You are not wasting anyone's time! It's a support forum, and that's what you're looking for. Would you consider talking to someone you trust about this? A friend, a family member? Things always seem easier to deal with when there's someone we can share the burden with. It seems you're attention is all focused on this. I'm not judging!! I'd be the same way, and given the situation that's understandable. But if there's someone you can talk to (physically), I suggest you do that. It helps to talk about things, even if it's just that, talking.

And if things start getting out of control, please consider calling a hotline. You said it yourself, you don't want to hurt yourself or others. Ask for help! Please stay safe and don't give up. And remember, one setback does not invalidate everything you've achieved so far!

Hugs