What exactly is this?

I have an extended family member that we have become increasingly concerned about. In some sense she seems to be in a downward spiral of sorts and we are concerned about where all of this is headed. I'm wondered if anybody has some insight.

She and her husband both have graduate degrees and so are highly educated. Her first marriage ended when she was abandoned for another woman. She went through a period of severe depression and had to go through therapy and medication for quite some time (she has mentioned "bipolar disorder"). Her relationship with her current husband has always been a little worrisome in that he is frequently verbally abusive, often wants to be alone even when he is at the house, and has demonstrated great callousness in terms of meeting her needs.

She has always demonstrated a "restlessness" going after many different hobbies seeming to be trying to "fill her life." Among these is the fact that she has always had multiple pets which she has mostly neglected except for the month or two at the beginning where she obsesses about them. She has also seemed to bounce between degrees of being very excited and motivated and being morose and lethargic (to the point that sometimes she has trouble getting out of bed for days).

She has demonstrated increasing degrees of hypochondria over the years. These usually seem to be in one fashion or another attempts at attention. She also shows significant issues with eating alternating from binge eating, to skipping meals, to obsessing about food quality (there may be other issues there. We don't know).

She has always had a very mixed relationship with her parents and siblings. She alternates between trying to prove how she is better than all of them and doesn't need them to trying pull them as close as she can and leaning on them heavily for emotional support.

Since she had her first son about 6 years ago her issues have seemed to grow. She has alternated between becoming OBSESSED about specific issues with her child to almost completely neglecting him. She has frequently "pawned him off" on anybody who would watch him. The child has developed severe emotional problems. The entire family has been well aware of this and yet Mom and Dad were not aware of it until he entered Kindergarten and his teachers told them he needed help. A particular note about her handling of her son: At one point when she had been away from her son for a few days, the day before she was supposed to see him again she had to be taken to the hospital for symptoms of a stroke. The doctors concluded it was a panic attack. Nevertheless she sought out a neurologist to pump her full of pills to make her feel better.

They recently adopted two more children (siblings), something her entire family was against. Immediately she had a problem with one of the children. From the day the arrived she tried to take every opportunity to limit time with all the children (babysitters every day, frequent trips to the community center so that somebody else could watch the kids, etc.). To make a long story short she found out about a friend of a friend who wanted a child and almost immediately gave the child to them (i.e. separating the siblings) without really knowing much about the "friend" (i.e. the way this was handled was severely illegal). More disturbingly, whereas one would expect a sense of guilt or at least sadness about the way things had turned out, she was simply very happy and relieved the day after they got rid of the child. Another note: At one point when she was away from the children for a few days, the day she was supposed to come back she suffered stroke-like symptoms.

A lot of aspects of this all seem very "narcissistic" although her she doesn't seem to fit the classic definition in terms of blind arrogance. The bipolar aspects are certainly there. For a while some of us thought she was headed for a nervous breakdown at some point but now we're not sure where this is all headed. She has generally not taken much advice from the family. We are obviously concerned, in particular for the children. Frankly some of us have been tempted to call Child Protective Services (obviously that is a big step with lots of consequences).

Anybody have insight as to what the "clinical diagnosis" would be here and what can be expected for the future? Sometimes we feel like we should intervene in some fashion but at the same time one has to let people live their own lives.

It sounds like there are some symptoms of bipolar, but also anxiety as well. However, much could be from immaturity. Also, many people have strange ideas about raising kids.

At any rate, I would be on the alert for definite, specific signs of abuse to the kids, and call the child abuse hot line. Find the phone numbers now so you have it ready. It is terrible when young children have to suffer because of the parents. I saw a lot of this in my many years as a public school teacher.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Thanks for the reply.

There is defintely a lot of immaturity there but since she is basically a "middle ager" it seems unlikely that increasing age will help.

Regarding signs of abuse, unfortunately none of the family lives in the same town as her so we have only occassional direct contact and have to rely a lot on what we hear over the phone. The signs of neglect are obviously there but that is a more ephemeral thing to point fingers about.

Basically it feels like a stretch to justify intervening and yet all indications say that the situation is going to continue to deteriorate. Watching a sweet, healthy little boy turn into a kindergardener with anxiety attacks and a severe eating disorder has left me personally with a nagging feeling of guilt for not doing anything. Now that there are two more kids involved the guilt is even greater. And yet we're not personally there to witness the vast majority of it so its not clear necessarily what we might accomplish if we actually did something (besides alienating her in which case we'd be even less aware of what's going on).

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It sounds like there are some symptoms of bipolar, but also anxiety as well. However, much could be from immaturity. Also, many people have strange ideas about raising kids.

At any rate, I would be on the alert for definite, specific signs of abuse to the kids, and call the child abuse hot line. Find the phone numbers now so you have it ready. It is terrible when young children have to suffer because of the parents. I saw a lot of this in my many years as a public school teacher.
Good Luck,
Jim S

I don't know if you will see this, however, I have Bi-polar disorder.
Anxiety, is part of the criteria of Bi-polar disorder, but,
idealizing then devaluing children, pets, family etc is not...
However, it is part of the criteria, for "Borderline Personality Disorder"...BPD {for short}...BPD does have Bi-polar symptoms..
i.e. severe mood swings and signs of emotional instability...

There is something more here, than just Bi-polar disorder,
Has she ever "raged" at anyone??? Does she have abandonment issues? ...It sounds to me, that she may fall under this category,
emphasis on "maybe"...However, she is certainly showing signs,
of a problem with her personality...it is easy to mix up BPD with
Bi-polar disorder, it happens all the time...People with BPD are
less likely to listen to you, and or, will agree strongly with you and
then "suddenly" disagree with you...Lying about health is a
very common symptom with BPD and NOT with Bi-polar disorder...

I am sorry for your plight, mental illness effects family's very strongly, as you have come to see...If you could, and emphasis on
"if"...If you could convince her into seeing a Psychiatrist, that might start the end of your dilemma but, she has to be honest and want this treatment "her-self"...and if she is suffering from BPD,
she more than likely, will not be to pleased in seeking Psychiatric
help...Good luck to you..and God bless...

Thanks, Tri-polar.

Our relative has never shown any significant "rage" episodes that I am aware of. In most respects what I have observed is that she tends to deal with things in a pretty calm manner even when being fairly irrational.

As far as abandonment issues, she certainly has some major abandonment issues from her first marriage. She used to see her first husband as a father figure of sorts and his abrupt departure really destroyed her for a time. Aside from this, it seems that she had a lot of sibling jealousy when she was younger. She apparently felt that she was the good but neglected child (perhaps some truth to the perception but certainly not entirely true).

As part of the adoption she has been seeing an adoption counselor. And certainly she had gone through a lot of therapy in the past. So far this hasn't seemed to result in any long term improvements. My impression is that she tends to seek out people who will tell her what she wants to hear and she is intelligent enough to manipulate what she tells some of these people to mislead. Frankly it seems like as long as the choice of professional is hers nothing much would change (i.e. since any professional she chooses is in the awkward position that if they don't tell her what she wants to hear she won't see them any longer).

I was just reading about BPD and actually this does sound a little closer to what she is going through. Thanks for the insight. Maybe researching that might give some clues as to how to help.