Mania issues, not thinking logically, afraid & selfish (?)

First, I want to say that I really value a logical approach to issues, including emotional ones. That being said, I’m really losing the ability to think critically. Music is just about the only thing that makes sense to me right now. I spent a few hours walking around town counting out Vivaldi until I felt safe enough to go home. I am not talking physical safety, so please don’t worry about that, those days are long in the past.

I do not want to tell anyone in my physical life (aside from my psychologist, who I saw today--and of course, I was honest with her) what is happening to me. I feel very unwilling to let any of my friends know I am having mania problems. I am sick of being the sick, creative genius. God, what a joke. My friend/writing buddy and wife of my former MFA poetry professor sent me an email yesterday or maybe it was the night before that made me cry because she was being honest. She said that her husband had told her I was a genius (please keep in mind this man would never tell me this to my face, I seriously respect him, and I had no idea he felt this way, although I knew he saw something in me), and that this latest poem I sent her (I am finally writing again after nearly 2 years of not being able to write poetry) proved it to her, too. I have a lot of emotions about this woman, including respect, admiration, and love. If it is possible to be “in love” with someone without wanting to be physically intimate with them, this would describe how I feel about her. We have known each other since 2011, and I really trust her. These two are seriously in love with each other, and I would absolutely never try to insert myself between their physicality. She is quite beautiful, so sometimes I fantasize, but I would not act on it.

Writing is my life. It is how I see and process the world and everyone in it, including myself. When I didn’t have that, I felt like I lost who I was. I had an identity crisis. It was terrifying. I never want to go back to that feeling. Antipsychotics take away my ability to feel language. I WILL NOT go back to that place. It was so dark. I cannot possibly be expected to sacrifice what makes me ME in order to avoid mania, can I? I really don’t think that would be a fair thing to ask of me. Also, I feel pretty selfish for feeling this way. A woman I have been in love with (with no hope of being with) for 5 years (I know, but I love her including everything that is “wrong” with her, and she’s not perfect) told me in September that writing is not worth being insane over. But, you know, she’s not a writer (she is a lit critic) and I do not think she can speak for me. I would prefer to deal with bouts of insanity than lose my soul.

I guess I can’t make up my mind totally because I definitely stated, “I am sick of being the sick, creative genius” but obviously, I would take that over soul-decay. I guess, really, I want to be able to hide my mania from everyone and let it play out on its own in some kind of controlled environment. This is obviously unrealistic. I realize I’m rambling and making little sense. I think, predominately, I am very scared. I am scared of being forced to make a choice between my mental sanity and my “soul.” I am using that for lack of a better word. I want to have a choice. I want to be able to have it all. I want someone to hold me. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be stronger and less afraid. I really want to work on all these issues when I’m no longer manic.

Hi Maehem,
This is the second reply to you... I took too long on the first reply and when I went to send it, the Forum had logged me off. I lost the message.

Now, I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. So you are not the only one.
The zombie like mental state from having too high a dose, or the wrong antipsychotics is terrible. I can really understand you wanting to retain your creativity and genius.

Still struggling with what to say. but I don't want to get logged out again so I'll send it now,

Take care,

Thanks for your response. It is helpful to feel less alone.
I am feeling a bit better today. I slept for a few hours, and that helped. I still feel shaky and am having racing thoughts, but I'm not a motormouth so far. Maybe the things I tried to do yesterday to calm this down are working. Obviously, I am embarrassed about my original post. Since I can't delete it, I guess I'll just view it as an expression of a fractured mind. I hate feeling like a drama queen. Thanks again for responding!

Hi Maehem,

Don't be too embarassed about your post. It is coherent and structured, at least, with interesting subject matter. Such writing can give you better understanding and insight into your own manic phases. And nobody here will be judging you. You should see what I wrote when I had thought disorder. 'Expression of a fractured mind' is putting it lightly. I've thrown away all of those journals now though. I suppose I was embarassed about them too.

Thank you, bipolarbirdie.
I am better today in certain respects. I feel more grounded. I am still walking around town counting out loud to Vivaldi. I am at times having pressured speech. Way more gregarious than usual. Also, I am having the delusion that one person in particular is reading my mind. Technically, I know that's impossible. I still "feel" it might be true. I am used to this delusion, so it's not really bothering me. I am not panicking anymore, which is really helping.

I'm glad you're feeling more grounded. It is very scary when you have mania and you have a bit of insight.
It's also very exhausting trying to keep it under control - don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

Last time I went to hospital I was manic, the doctor didn't immediately admit me because I had good insight. But in the end I went so that I would feel safe.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you so much.
I don't think anybody knows. Well, I told that writer friend from the original post. She struggles with clinical depression, so I felt safe. My mother, with whom I live, keeps asking me to get out of the house because I am annoying. I'm sure I am annoying right now. It is amusing to me that she is so self-absorbed and unable to analyze emotions that she hasn't thought there might be a reason I am particularly annoying.
I talked to my coworker who sits at the next desk over from me for 2 hours strIght today. I got him to tell me virtually everything about his life. Neat kid. I am a little anxious becaus he will not be there tomorrow and I really just can't imagine having to sit still for 5 hours without talking to someone. I want to know everything about everyone! My curiosity is killing me.

On the upside, I have been able to accomplish an incredible amount of research. I research every day, but today I was able to learn maybe 30% more than usual. Yes, I made up that statistic, but it feels possible.

I wish I were even the slightest bit tired. I can't afford for this to get any worse. I have a modicum of control right now. I really need to work. I need the paychecks. I just feel like this is so inopportune. I really don't want to dissapointing my friends and family.

Also, I have no appetite. I am eating when I remember to. I just have so much I'm thinking about that it's often the last thing on my mind. Okay, I will make the commitment to eat at least 3 times tomorrow. I will make a log.

Don't try to hold on by your finger nails too long.
Not getting help soon enough leads to a bigger collapse.

I'm glad you are seeing a psychologist.
Maybe a psychiatrist could prescribe something light that may help you.
Getting help early may be less intrusive than having a psychotic break.

take care,

Thank you. You are correct. I have called my psychiatrist twice since Monday, they did call back once but did not leave a message. I called again, but they have not returned my call. I will call again today.
I made a list of the reasons why I believe my delusion (one thing) and the reasons it is unlikely to be true (approx 7 things.) This helped.
Someone mentioned insight: I usually keep a lot of this, which can be painful but possibly helpful. Have lost it totally twice, during my first manic episode, and during the last one two yrs ago (which was not quite mania, but very psychotic.) Sometimes this makes me difficult to treat, because I am usually a lot "worse" than I seem.
Feeling okay. Slept some. Seems to deteriorate incrementally as the day progresses. Using every "coping skill" I can think of.