Struggling with taking my meds (trigger)

I've been on lamictal and Risperdal for a few months since I was diagnosed. After they started to kick in I felt pretty well for a while, definitely the most stable I've felt in a long time. Unfortunately I gained about 15 pounds on the Risperdal. I spend a lot of time at the gym and watch what I eat a lot so all the weight gain was making me really depressed. I stopped taking that a few weeks ago and haven't been hallucinating so I don't feel bad about not taking it. I've lost some weight but I'm still very self conscious about it.

I'm still taking my lamictal which helps quite a lot, though I think I'm still cycling. I'll find myself making lots of plans and I can't sort out my practical ones from those that are grandiose. Then I'll start to feel really lonely and like my life is going nowhere and just flying by me.

My doctor tells me not to live with bipolar constantly in the back of my head, but I don't know how. I have to take my lamictal every morning. I have to make sure I don't sleep too much. I need to get enough sleep. I have to watch my alcohol intake. Calm myself down when I get heated. I feel like I don't get to forget about my illness and it's bringing me down. I've broken down a couple times cursing whoever it is that gave this to me. I feel like I'm not really living and I want to stop taking my meds and go back to living blissfully unaware but I'm so scared of the consequences. I'm going to England in may and hopefully grad school the following year and even though sometimes I can't get excited for anything I remind myself how much I have to look forward to and I wouldn't want to throw that away. It's exhausting trying to make myself look forward to things, I wish I could just enjoy the life I live but it's so hard. I don't know, I guess I'm just complaining.

Speak to your pdoc about the weight gain they can put you on geodon or Abilify which are less likely to cause weight gain. As for your plans wow your doing so well all things considered I'm from England I'm sure you will be a great asset to is but I warn you it gets rainy snowy and cold a lot lol.

MikeHooty wrote:My doctor tells me not to live with bipolar constantly in the back of my head, but I don't know how. I have to take my lamictal every morning. I have to make sure I don't sleep too much. I need to get enough sleep. I have to watch my alcohol intake. Calm myself down when I get heated. I feel like I don't get to forget about my illness and it's bringing me down. I've broken down a couple times cursing whoever it is that gave this to me. I feel like I'm not really living and I want to stop taking my meds and go back to living blissfully unaware but I'm so scared of the consequences. I'm going to England in may and hopefully grad school the following year and even though sometimes I can't get excited for anything I remind myself how much I have to look forward to and I wouldn't want to throw that away. It's exhausting trying to make myself look forward to things, I wish I could just enjoy the life I live but it's so hard. I don't know, I guess I'm just complaining.

You have recognized the mundane rituals of life of all of us who struggle with bipolar illness.
But isn't life for nearly everyone a pattern of mundane rituals?

I have learned that by accepting life as it is that I am able to transend the mundane. For example, I am one of a small crew who serve soup and sandwiches one evening a week to Street People. When I accept these addicts, prostitutes and thieves as real people with a story, needs and pain, they begin to trust us and talk about what is going on in their lives. I realize I am doing far more than just handing out soup. Life for me becomes meaningful.

I can relate so much to what you're going through! This sucks... I guess my only hope is that time will help. You say you only started your meds a few months ago, so I'm guessing this is a fairly recent thing. Same here! Maybe all these small things that remind you of BD will eventually become so routine that they'll loose their weight to you. I know this isn't really a solution or even advice, but it's all I got. Right now these things are sort of new, so you're very conscious of them. Given enough repetition they'll become part of your everyday routine. I hope that happens soon for you!

Did you tell your doctor about stopping the risperdal? Maybe they can help replace it with something else, or even just monitor your mood and see how you adjust. I don't mean to nag, but I think it's always better to let our doctors know what we do, even if we know they won't like it.