Little girl mind, Little girl feelings

Hi all,

I am 47 years old. I was dxed with bipolar 14 years ago. I was dxed with "Social Immaturity" when I was 8 or 9 years old. That was an actual diagnosis back in the 70's. So although I was officially dxed with bipolar 14 years ago I have a feeling I have had it all my life. Like if it is possible to be born with it then I was. I told my husband when we first started dating (I was 28) that I heard some kind of funny advertisement on "the little radio you have in your ears" He just stared at me, like he was saying "What?!?!" And I said "You know, the little radio in your ears!! Everybody has one!" He very calmly informed me that to his knowledge not everyone has a little radio in their ears. Thank God he already loved me!! So I basically had auditory hallucinations all my life. That little radio is what got me dxed bipolar I and not the milder bipolar II. I don't hear it anymore, only when I miss my meds for two or more days will it start coming through again. I kinda miss it cuz I had it all my life. Anyway I have digressed horribly!! Back to what I am writing this for.

I have been pretty depressed lately because I have begun to realize with full clarity that I have the mind of a child. Not in the IQ way, I have a 128 IQ and have graduated from college,etc.. I am talking about an actual child's mind. I literally think like a child. I talk like a child, I reason like a child, I get my feelings hurt very easily just like a child. I get excited over small things that others barely notice. I love Hello Kitty and will often buy those black felt pictures that you color with markers. I have a case of markers, crayons in every color and gel pens. I sleep with this pink stuffed bear my kids gave me for Mothers Day like 5 years ago. I even take it out of town with me. I get upset over small things like a child. I don't understand the concept of "Not Everybody You Meet Is Going To Like You". Why not?? I am very nice to everyone I meet....why would someone not like me?? I have a lot of trouble understanding consequences. Like I know I'm overweight (thank you very much meds!!) and I have barely controlled high blood pressure. My dad died of a massive heart attack at 49. So I know that I should eat good and do my treadmill. But I don't. I have this attitude of..."Well I just don't care! I want to drink the real sodas, I want to eat fried burritos, I want to sit on my couch and watch TV! I don't HAVE to eat that good for you stuff and no one is going to make me!!!"

So, what is wrong with me? Is it that Social Immature thing? Is it a part of Bipolar? Is it because I had a really bad and weird childhood? I really would like to have some idea of what this is so I can talk to my pdoc about it. I'm so tired of this little scared girl living inside me. I really want to grow up. I don't want to die. I really really want to enjoy my grand babies someday. Anyone have any ideas?? I am completely clueless.....Thank you!!

~~~MM

Hi Milliemouse.
Yes, from the way you describe it, you have a very innocent, uncomplicated, trusting mind. You called it " the mind of a little girl ".

Dare I call it a Peter Pan personality? Peter Pan is the boy who never grew up.
I think it would make you quite vulnerable and an easy target for dishonest people.
At the same time, there is something beautiful about a child being innocent.

I was able to change my mind with the help of a good psychologist. We didn't set out with this as our objective, but after several years of therapy, I was changed from being a frustrated, angry man who saw everything in Black and White to a more relaxed happy man who accepted the complexity of life and saw life in shades of color. While I still try to be fair in all my dealings, I understand that life in general is not fair.

I wonder if you can see a good therapist or psychologist and talk through your life.
It could help you to become more realistic.

I warn you though, Life to a person with a little girl mind is pretty safe and kind. You will find that life is unfair, competitive and complex. The world is not as ideal as you now see it.

Look into talk therapy with a psychologist.
Take care,

Well, Milliemouse, I do think that early diagnosis of social immaturity has coloured your perspective, so let me present you with an alternative explanation.

There are some things about your mind that are perfectly adult. One of those is the way you wrote your post. A child, even a very bright child, can't analyse their own mental processes in this way. You are adult in your analytical and metacognitive skills.

When you say that you are childlike in your desire to eat junkfood, without thinking of the consequences, I can relate, because that happens to me too. The medication simply ramps up the hunger drive to the max, so that it overpowers any reasoning. That to me is not being childish, it's simply a side effect.

When you say you react to small things like a child, this is not actually a behaviour that most children do. Only sensitive children, and sensitive adults will consistently overreact to small things. Children tend only to overreact if they are hungry, or tired, or if they are going through the terrible twos.

People who have led very sheltered lives can come across as naive or childlike in their understanding of the world, and over-trusting. I know because I am one of those people. I have to learn to be more abrasive with people, and sometimes I have to be mean. It goes against the grain and my idealistic view of the world, but I need to learn to do it to protect myself.

On the other hand, someone who has suffered a traumatic event in childhood, might persist with believing themselves to still be a child, or might want to be a child, as a kind of avoidance strategy to protect themselves of the pain of dealing with the traumatic event and moving forward.

I don't know whether any of this is ringing true for you, but a good psychologist can help you. That's if you think you need help. You might not. I know someone who is like you, and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her love of childhood things.

I have heard of this discussed in a message board and I have read a lot of the books from the author. *mod edit*