Hi all,
I am 47 years old. I was dxed with bipolar 14 years ago. I was dxed with "Social Immaturity" when I was 8 or 9 years old. That was an actual diagnosis back in the 70's. So although I was officially dxed with bipolar 14 years ago I have a feeling I have had it all my life. Like if it is possible to be born with it then I was. I told my husband when we first started dating (I was 28) that I heard some kind of funny advertisement on "the little radio you have in your ears" He just stared at me, like he was saying "What?!?!" And I said "You know, the little radio in your ears!! Everybody has one!" He very calmly informed me that to his knowledge not everyone has a little radio in their ears. Thank God he already loved me!! So I basically had auditory hallucinations all my life. That little radio is what got me dxed bipolar I and not the milder bipolar II. I don't hear it anymore, only when I miss my meds for two or more days will it start coming through again. I kinda miss it cuz I had it all my life. Anyway I have digressed horribly!! Back to what I am writing this for.
I have been pretty depressed lately because I have begun to realize with full clarity that I have the mind of a child. Not in the IQ way, I have a 128 IQ and have graduated from college,etc.. I am talking about an actual child's mind. I literally think like a child. I talk like a child, I reason like a child, I get my feelings hurt very easily just like a child. I get excited over small things that others barely notice. I love Hello Kitty and will often buy those black felt pictures that you color with markers. I have a case of markers, crayons in every color and gel pens. I sleep with this pink stuffed bear my kids gave me for Mothers Day like 5 years ago. I even take it out of town with me. I get upset over small things like a child. I don't understand the concept of "Not Everybody You Meet Is Going To Like You". Why not?? I am very nice to everyone I meet....why would someone not like me?? I have a lot of trouble understanding consequences. Like I know I'm overweight (thank you very much meds!!) and I have barely controlled high blood pressure. My dad died of a massive heart attack at 49. So I know that I should eat good and do my treadmill. But I don't. I have this attitude of..."Well I just don't care! I want to drink the real sodas, I want to eat fried burritos, I want to sit on my couch and watch TV! I don't HAVE to eat that good for you stuff and no one is going to make me!!!"
So, what is wrong with me? Is it that Social Immature thing? Is it a part of Bipolar? Is it because I had a really bad and weird childhood? I really would like to have some idea of what this is so I can talk to my pdoc about it. I'm so tired of this little scared girl living inside me. I really want to grow up. I don't want to die. I really really want to enjoy my grand babies someday. Anyone have any ideas?? I am completely clueless.....Thank you!!
~~~MM