rant, venting, whatever

Sorry to do this here, but there's no place else. Sick of keeping all this bottled up inside, so here goes.

I'm tired of all this, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having this stupid disorder. I'm sick of feeling like a 5 year old brat. I know I need to up my meds, but I don't want to. See, idiot kid attitude. "I don't waaanna, I don't care!" But I really don't. I know where this leads. Full blown mania, mixed episodes, bad depression. I don't care! I can't force myself to care. I know I should care about my future, my quality of life. But I don't. I really don't. Do I want that to happen? Of course not! But it's not happening now, and it probably won't happen tomorrow, so I'll just worry about it when it does happen. Until then, all I can think is "f*ck it".

I know it's getting worse, I can see that. I rarely have a stable day. It wasn't like this a few months ago. But it's manageable. I know I'm already having consequences at work and with friends and family. But it's not too bad, and I really couldn't care any less.

I feel so conflicted and torn. I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it. If I'm really honest, I just wish I hadn't been born. Sorry, I don't want to make anyone feel depressed or anything, but it's true. Even when I'm really happy (read hypomanic!), if I could have one wish, that would be it. Why, why, why? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted any of this. I've felt that way for so many years that I just can't believe that will ever change. I just wish I could go to sleep and never ever wake up. I don't want to deal with this, but at the same time I keep thinking about it.

To sum it up, f*ck it all, f*ck everyone around me.

(Please don't feel the need to reply, I know there's not much anyone can say, I just needed to get some of it off my chest)

Hi sounds like your having a bad day there isn't much I can say other than that I relate to how you feel and hope things improve for you soon.

Hey me and you both. Invicta, don't put yourself down and give yourself some slack. There isn't any reason to feel guilty about how you feel right now. When you feel depressed, it's hard to think of anything positive in the future. It's especially hard when you feel you can't tell anyone about the deepest things you feel because nobody understands. Maybe it's this time of year that makes you feel depressed. I always feel worse around this year and up and down cycles because I'm always depressed about feeling what I'm missing out on and angry at how I feel (and most people). You know what cheers me up (a little bit of humor to hopefully make you ) I go down to the nail salon and have a real good cry. The ladies there are always so understanding and kind.


Feel better and take care,
Jake

God, I hear you. The last one month had been really hard.

invicta wrote:I rarely have a stable day.

invicta wrote:I feel so conflicted and torn. I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it. If I'm really honest, I just wish I hadn't been born.

I've been thinking a lot about the same, recently. Damn, I wish I could say something wise, but, honestly, I've nothing to say. Just that your post sums up my feelings.

I think, I agree with pinkfloydfan,

pinkfloydfan810 wrote:don't put yourself down and give yourself some slack

invicta wrote: f*ck it all, f*ck everyone around me.

I said that to myself and a friend of mine today, "f**k this s**t, man. I don't give a f**k, anymore."
I'm not sure if this will make you smile.. but, another day, I was depressed and my friend was teaching me to not give a f**k. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8

Huge hugs Invicta

Please rant and vent as much as you want to- I hope it helps. sometimes things are vey rantworthy in the BP world.

In the meantime here are two sloths in onesies hugging



Hugs to you

Cracked

Aww, thanks so much, guys! I don't know what I'd do without you!

pinkfloydfan810 wrote:When you feel depressed

I guess that's really what bothers me most, I'm not particularly depressed. Maybe a bit down, but definitely not depressed. I dunno, maybe I'm just not identifying my own mood correctly. It's just kinda hopeless. That sounds depressed, doesn't it? And it's not just that people don't understand, it's more that it feels pointless. I'm the only person who can actually do something about it, and I choose not to, so what do I expect others to do? I am my own worst enemy, that's for sure!

Thanks for cheering me up, I did smile at some of your posts! That's the one thing I haven't lost, my sense of humor!

And don't worry zetamex, there is nothing wise to say. It is what it is!

Thank you all for the kind words, the adorable sloths, the videos, the nail salon... It means more to me than I can express. I guess that going to my appointment yesterday forced me to think about a lot of stuff I've been trying to hide from. The old sticking your head in the sand bit. It will pass, eventually. I hope!

Hope things improve a lot for you soon

Huge hugs

Cracked

invicta wrote:Sorry to do this here, but there's no place else. Sick of keeping all this bottled up inside, so here goes.

I'm tired of all this, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having this stupid disorder. I'm sick of feeling like a 5 year old brat. I know I need to up my meds, but I don't want to. See, idiot kid attitude. "I don't waaanna, I don't care!" But I really don't. I know where this leads. Full blown mania, mixed episodes, bad depression. I don't care! I can't force myself to care. I know I should care about my future, my quality of life. But I don't. I really don't. Do I want that to happen? Of course not! But it's not happening now, and it probably won't happen tomorrow, so I'll just worry about it when it does happen. Until then, all I can think is "f*ck it".

I know it's getting worse, I can see that. I rarely have a stable day. It wasn't like this a few months ago. But it's manageable. I know I'm already having consequences at work and with friends and family. But it's not too bad, and I really couldn't care any less.

I feel so conflicted and torn. I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it. If I'm really honest, I just wish I hadn't been born. Sorry, I don't want to make anyone feel depressed or anything, but it's true. Even when I'm really happy (read hypomanic!), if I could have one wish, that would be it. Why, why, why? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted any of this. I've felt that way for so many years that I just can't believe that will ever change. I just wish I could go to sleep and never ever wake up. I don't want to deal with this, but at the same time I keep thinking about it.

To sum it up, f*ck it all, f*ck everyone around me.

(Please don't feel the need to reply, I know there's not much anyone can say, I just needed to get some of it off my chest)

I used to hate the fact i was bipolar . I was quite devoid of all pleasure, and i was totally empty. But now, i am happy i have this condition.


Everything is alright friend, you are not broken. You are unique. Our condition is nothing it take the least bit lightly, don't think for a second i am suggesting that.

But it has the potential to bring you great joy and amazing things. Yes, even the depression

I never knew how much i loved the things in my life, till i could find no joy from them. Now, i am in states of flow for nearly 85 percent of the day or so. Simply because i cannot resist becoming active in some form mental engagement wherever i go

There is a reason for everything

Take care buddy

BIPOLAR PRIDE!

That was really sweet, thanks so much for your words! I know them to be true, it's just hard to believe them right now. But it helps a bit just reading that, it sinks in a little.

Correction for my last post - definitely depressed, just hadn't realized it before. It's curious how sometimes I'm not exactly sure how I feel, I have to infer it from behaviour. Ah well, unlike in LoTR, this shall pass!

Hugs to each and every one of you

Just a quick update - yesterday my mood started to lift, so it was only a few days of depression, not too bad! Maybe I'm climbing a bit too high, but it's a nice change.

I'd like to thank you guys again for your support. While nobody can take the depression away, your words made it more bearable. It just goes to show me how talking about this stuff does help. Thanks!