I have Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality?

I am not sure which is the culprit but I suspect both. Pretty much every night, I am suicidal. Over things that never used to bother me. Last night I got effed up on pills and went to sleep. I am indeed a danger to myself, but no, I will not return to the hospital for the 44th time thank you very much. I am 25. I have cut my arm up so bad that I cannot even wear short sleeves. Some are old, some are new, half required stitches. I have broken a few bones. I am also prone to downright psychotic breaks. I do a lot of crazy things if this happens to me. I have tried therapy with no suck luck, I am on a ton of medication. I just got released from the hospital. But they cannot help me and I know it. I, in all honesty, am not sure I actually want to die, but I want to know that other people DON'T want me to die. If that makes any sense. I have been severely mentally ill for a really long time. I don't even know what normality looks like anymore. What should I do? It seems sometimes as though death is the only way out.

I don't want you to die, Leslieslsa!
You've endured a lifetime torment and trying to release your pain through cutting hasn't helped. It doesn't ever help, but you don't know what else to do.

Just for a moment think of yourself as a little child in pain. Reach out to hug the child and comfort her. Feel the comfort you offer. You are not alone. You are loved.

I'm sorry that you have disfigured yourself through cutting. Your scars on the outside are from pain on the inside.

You say hospitals don't help you but hospitals, medication and psychiatrists are just about all that we can offer you. I wish you could release yourself into their care and feel their struggle to help you. You are loved. If only you could feel it.

Take care,

Coping with one of those diagnoses is difficult. coping with two must be extremely difficult. I have BP1 and a history of self harm now in remission and I can say a little about what has helped me. Basically it is meds and therapy. But meds which work and therapy which is geared towards me and my past issues- a lot abuse related. Inpatient has literally been a lifesaver at times too - although I know it is not always helpful for ppl. In terms of what helped with the cutting I think it was a combination of therapy and meds helping stabilise my mood and I got to a point where I want to do it less and less. Have you had therapy geare at the BPD itself and also help with BP like a CBT support group? If you can get these I think it would be helpful for you.

You are facing a big fight and I can appreciate that things are really tough for you but there is hope if you get tailored support.

Huge hugs and please keep safe

Cracked

Leslieslsa wrote:I am not sure which is the culprit but I suspect both. Pretty much every night, I am suicidal. Over things that never used to bother me. Last night I got effed up on pills and went to sleep. I am indeed a danger to myself, but no, I will not return to the hospital for the 44th time thank you very much. I am 25. I have cut my arm up so bad that I cannot even wear short sleeves. Some are old, some are new, half required stitches. I have broken a few bones. I am also prone to downright psychotic breaks. I do a lot of crazy things if this happens to me. I have tried therapy with no suck luck, I am on a ton of medication. I just got released from the hospital. But they cannot help me and I know it. I, in all honesty, am not sure I actually want to die, but I want to know that other people DON'T want me to die. If that makes any sense. I have been severely mentally ill for a really long time. I don't even know what normality looks like anymore. What should I do? It seems sometimes as though death is the only way out.

Hi there,

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE. Please don't hurt yourself.

You are so young, and you sound like such an innocent, beautiful, wonderful person. I know pretty much exactly how you feel. I suffer from all the conditions you mentioned you suffer from.

For people like us, "normality" is just a glorified view of life ... no such thing exists. There's coping and not coping. We need to learn how to cope with life, and with all the nons around us (who make up the majority of people on Earth).

I understand your feeling of wanting to die, because I have wanted to die for the last seventeen years, but I just want to plead with you to first try everything you can to make your life better. Do your absolute best to see if you can improve your situation. If that doesn't work, I won't blame you.

But, please try that first, before you give up.

Stay strong, my dear,
- The Lilodian

Hey Leslie,

I wanted to drop in and tell you you're not alone. These illnesses threaten to destroy us, and day by day, we fight. The best thing for me has been being educated about the diagnoses, medications, therapies, diet, etc. related to living and functioning with mental illness.

I had a discussion with my psychiatrist before leaving inpatient a week ago to which he agreed with me on my insight - that on the chemical spectrum, I have Bipolar 1, and on the behavioral spectrum, I have Borderline. The way medications are being used is to reach a middle ground - primarily the impulsivity, which then goes directly towards self-injury.

If you symptoms haven't lessened, perhaps it's time to look into new meds? As someone who HATES medication, it's hard to say that...but even with my current mix I have noticed a...shift...of sorts that I don't have words for.

One small step at a time,
~ Wolfy

Hi there,
I too carry the same two diagnoses. It can make things very difficult. Difficult, but not impossible.

Leslieslsa wrote: I have tried therapy with no suck luck, I am on a ton of medication. I just got released from the hospital. But they cannot help me and I know it.

What sort of things do you find helpful? Are there things that you've tried in the past that maybe provided you with a little bit of relief? I know for me, it took me until I was ready to make big changes in my life. It's one thing to say that you go to therapy and it doesn't help and it's another to WORK the therapy. I'm not saying that you don't do this already, I'm just saying that for me I wasn't doing this until more recently and that's when I noticed a big change. I did DBT therapy many many years ago and found it useless. A therapist a few years ago convinced me to try it again and I told myself, "I'll prove to them this doesn't work for me by doing exactly what they say to do." and you know what? I started to feel a bit better and make different choices in my life. Stubborness can be a good thing sometimes apparently

We also have a forum here for people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
borderline-personality/

Hang in there, things do get better.

I have the exact same diagnoses, Bipolar I and BPD and I totally get it. I just got out of my fourth inpatient stay for suicidal ideation. Due to my affinity for razors under stress, my life story is pretty much on the inside of my arm. But I feel the same things you do--suicidal more often than not, feeling completely isolated, all of it. The reason we can't commit suicide is because it's too permanent. We can't undo it. Trust me, I flirt with the idea all the time and I just fight like hell until the mood passes. I'm on a boatload of medications and I honestly don't know which is more emotionally uncomfortable, being off the medication or being on it. Both options suck. What sucks more is that no one understands what we go through on a daily basis. Not by a long shot.

Death also seems very attractive when you're the one choosing it. When the situation is reversed it's a completely different story. Check it out. I was a chronic alcoholic for ten years and at the age of 29 I went into liver failure this past October. My blood work was off the charts and the doctors told my parents that I shouldn't have survived it. Once I found out I was in the ICU I asked a nurse if I was going to die, and she said she didn't know. When I heard that I panicked, which is strange considering how much I have fantasized about dying and how often I've BEGGED God to kill me. When the nurse told me that I might not make it I started thinking of all these things that would have been left unsaid and undone and how much I would have regretted had I died in the hospital. I just turned 30, you're 25. We're SO young still. I still have days when I feel like I'm more than ready to be buried but I still can't shake that sock to the gut I got in the ICU. Just don't stop fighting. You deserve to live and to do so happily, just don't give up. You've been through so much as it is already. Just don't give up and if you search long enough, you're bound to find what's right for you. I have to tell myself that that's true or I might not make it. Believing that there HAS to be a better way to live is the only things that gets me through sometimes. Keep your head up, you're not alone and you should never have to be.

RunawayFaye wrote:Death also seems very attractive when you're the one choosing it. When the situation is reversed it's a completely different story. Check it out. I was a chronic alcoholic for ten years and at the age of 29 I went into liver failure this past October. My blood work was off the charts and the doctors told my parents that I shouldn't have survived it. Once I found out I was in the ICU I asked a nurse if I was going to die, and she said she didn't know. When I heard that I panicked, which is strange considering how much I have fantasized about dying and how often I've BEGGED God to kill me. When the nurse told me that I might not make it I started thinking of all these things that would have been left unsaid and undone and how much I would have regretted had I died in the hospital. I just turned 30, you're 25. We're SO young still. I still have days when I feel like I'm more than ready to be buried but I still can't shake that sock to the gut I got in the ICU. Just don't stop fighting. You deserve to live and to do so happily, just don't give up. You've been through so much as it is already. Just don't give up and if you search long enough, you're bound to find what's right for you. I have to tell myself that that's true or I might not make it. Believing that there HAS to be a better way to live is the only things that gets me through sometimes. Keep your head up, you're not alone and you should never have to be.

Thank you for this. It is very hope inspiring and gives me a different perspective on things.