Health vs. Education STUDENT ADVICE

Hello everyone! I am a long time reader- new user to this website and was seeking advice from individuals who may be able to relate to my situations.

I'm a 20 year old University student who was diagnosed roughly five years ago with diagnosed with BiPolar Mixed Episodes characterized through depressive dysphoria and although I have been on many cocktails, I currently take;
Divalproex 1000mg
Modafinil 400mg
Clonazepam- .75 prn
Lorazepam- 0.5 prn

I am currently attempting to double major in Finance and Accounting, yet despite maintaining high grades, involvement in student organizations, and competitions, I recognize that I cannot continue functioning onward in this manner without seriously damaging my health. I have been voluntarily hospitalized twice over the past year, once from the onset of hypomanic symptoms from working overnights on Fri Sat and Sunday and going to school 10 hours five days a week, and once for a severe depressive episode.

My University is extremely understanding of my situation (mainly due to the long list of documentation) and I could abandon this semester while my doctors and I try and find a med cocktail that works with no academic penalty. However I am extremely reluctant to do this as I would feel that the illness is controlling aspects of my life and I loathe to relinquish autonomy. My grades are high and I can still pass but I can tell that my emotional state is leading towards a severe episode coupled with poor sleep.

I just wish this illness didn't alter the life I choose to live

Hi there!

I was on a similar situation a few years ago. I already had a degree but I wanted to study law, it was an impulsive desicion and I think I made while hypo and thinking I could do anything I wanted if I worked hard, but in this case I had to work and study so I could pay for my tuition. All this undiagnosed and unmedicated besides modafinil to help me study and be awake after sleeping very little. I started studying in the evenings and working in the mornings, the first year I did well, I didn't have the best grades because I had to work so no time to study a lot, but enough to pass. I passed the first year, I was on an off for three years because I was between jobs since I got fired twice, finally I got a full time job that involved me working in shifts till 2 AM or 12 AM and had to wake up early and attend classes and go to work in the afternoon non stop. I passed a second year and the third year I tried to do the same and had problems concentrating, my grades were low, I failed a lot of subjects, got an awful panic attack, started self harming and started seeing professionals. Long story short I dropped out of university, I lost my job, got depressed and I haven't recovered ever since. If I'd taken things more slowly and hadn't tried to do everything at once and more than I could handle, things might've been different and maybe I could be a lawyer today. Didn't happen and it won't happen. But for you it can happen, you just have to be involved in maybe less activities, or trying to major in one thing and maybe later the other,(IDK if it's possible where you live) get time for yourself and don't try to do everything at once because with or without an illness you can crash and picking up the pieces it's a lot harder than crashing in the first place. Don't give up your dreams, they may take longer to accomplish, but you can reach them, you just need to be careful and listen to your mind and body.

Take care

After being diagnosed, I'm struggling with the idea of quitting some things for a while. I've had crazy hypo-manic phase, wherein, I was managing a sponsor team for a really big state international festival; taking semester exams; DJ-ing at in-school parties; volunteering for university festival; and dancing. All at the same time. Remembering about way I'd crashed after three weeks sends chills down my spine. I was at the verge of failing a lecture on programming.
That being said, yes, I do relate to your situation. I've a passion for physics, and western philosophy. I wanted to double major. Until second semester. I soon realized that sleeping less and not giving myself a break would push me into crazy phases and then, I'd just come down crashing.. hitting the rock bottom hard. I tried. I gave it a go. I couldn't manage. And, it was only the first year. I didn't want to cut back on my extra-curricular or social activities. I need those. I learn a lot outside my classroom environment. So, I'm just continuing with Physics. I don't know about the curriculum at your school, but, do you think you could cut back on other things (such as student organizations and competitions) and go with your choices of double major? If that's what you really want to do.

Solovyov wrote:However I am extremely reluctant to do this as I would feel that the illness is controlling aspects of my life and I loathe to relinquish autonomy.

I've been loathing myself since I decided to go a little bit easy with things. I try to restrict the projects and/or activities I take interest in. As far as the double major is concerned, after graduating, maybe, I will pursue Philosophy then. It'll depend on state of my mind. Do you have any similar choice? We all have different perspectives on things. I don't really know about the reasons behind your decision of a double major.

Solovyov wrote:My grades are high and I can still pass but I can tell that my emotional state is leading towards a severe episode coupled with poor sleep.

Emotional state. There, you said it yourself. To me, my emotional state is becoming the priority these days. I just can't afford throwing myself into another episode. The realization of bipolar disorder's impact hit me severely, if not early.

In any case, decision will be yours. I guess, set your priorities. Try to be realistic about it, and think in long terms. Despite of this, I sincerely hope that if you decide to pursue double major, anyway, it all works out fro you. Keep me updated!

Side note: That quote from Notes from Underground is just sick! I love it.

I'm sort of in a similar set of circumstances, being 22, a senior at university (philosophy major, writing minor), and preparing to apply to graduate school (book publishing)... I'm also "high-functioning," though this has diminished some as the course of the illness has progressed; my GPA is somewhere around 3.85, but I'm also going much easier on myself at this point, and pushing myself to do very little outside of what I absolutely need to. I eventually just had to accept that this condition was going to limit me in some ways, and that it was more important to me to be happy than incredibly ambitious or prestigious. I want to be a copyeditor, I want to write my own books on the side, and I want to spend time with my partner and my puppy. That's all I can see myself handling in the long-term if I want to be productive, happy, and stable all at the same time.

My advice would be to just really examine what you want vs. what's realistic over the long-term, and finding a happy medium between them that allows you to stay sane. You might be fine if you just cut back on some of your student organizations and extracurricular activities, focusing only on your classes. Keep your workload reasonable; sometimes we can be productive to almost superhuman degrees while just slightly hypomanic, but it gets out of control, is not always rational, and can end up being downright destructive (not to mention the damage these episodes do to our brains). It's no good having all the prestige in the world if you end up unable to function (or worse, dead), and remember, taking care of your health does not make you weak!

Thank you all for your kind words, I decided to do an all or nothing gamble with amphetamines (under the supervision of my pdoc)

zetamext123 wrote:After being diagnosed, I'm struggling with the idea of quitting some things for a while. I've had crazy hypo-manic phase, wherein, I was managing a sponsor team for a really big state international festival; taking semester exams; DJ-ing at in-school parties; volunteering for university festival; and dancing. All at the same time. Remembering about way I'd crashed after three weeks sends chills down my spine. I was at the verge of failing a lecture on programming.
That being said, yes, I do relate to your situation. I've a passion for physics, and western philosophy. I wanted to double major. Until second semester. I soon realized that sleeping less and not giving myself a break would push me into crazy phases and then, I'd just come down crashing.. hitting the rock bottom hard. I tried. I gave it a go. I couldn't manage. And, it was only the first year. I didn't want to cut back on my extra-curricular or social activities. I need those. I learn a lot outside my classroom environment. So, I'm just continuing with Physics. I don't know about the curriculum at your school, but, do you think you could cut back on other things (such as student organizations and competitions) and go with your choices of double major? If that's what you really want to do.

Solovyov wrote:However I am extremely reluctant to do this as I would feel that the illness is controlling aspects of my life and I loathe to relinquish autonomy.

I've been loathing myself since I decided to go a little bit easy with things. I try to restrict the projects and/or activities I take interest in. As far as the double major is concerned, after graduating, maybe, I will pursue Philosophy then. It'll depend on state of my mind. Do you have any similar choice? We all have different perspectives on things. I don't really know about the reasons behind your decision of a double major.

Solovyov wrote:My grades are high and I can still pass but I can tell that my emotional state is leading towards a severe episode coupled with poor sleep.

Emotional state. There, you said it yourself. To me, my emotional state is becoming the priority these days. I just can't afford throwing myself into another episode. The realization of bipolar disorder's impact hit me severely, if not early.

In any case, decision will be yours. I guess, set your priorities. Try to be realistic about it, and think in long terms. Despite of this, I sincerely hope that if you decide to pursue double major, anyway, it all works out fro you. Keep me updated!

Side note: That quote from Notes from Underground is just sick! I love it.

Thanks, I'm a major bibliophile, I'm glad that someone else enjoyed as well!

L0rena wrote:Hi there!
I was on a similar situation a few years ago. I already had a degree but I wanted to study law, it was an impulsive desicion and I think I made while hypo and thinking I could do anything I wanted if I worked hard, but in this case I had to work and study so I could pay for my tuition. All this undiagnosed and unmedicated besides modafinil to help me study and be awake after sleeping very little. I started studying in the evenings and working in the mornings, the first year I did well, I didn't have the best grades because I had to work so no time to study a lot, but enough to pass. I passed the first year, I was on an off for three years because I was between jobs since I got fired twice, finally I got a full time job that involved me working in shifts till 2 AM or 12 AM and had to wake up early and attend classes and go to work in the afternoon non stop. I passed a second year and the third year I tried to do the same and had problems concentrating, my grades were low, I failed a lot of subjects, got an awful panic attack, started self harming and started seeing professionals. Long story short I dropped out of university, I lost my job, got depressed and I haven't recovered ever since. If I'd taken things more slowly and hadn't tried to do everything at once and more than I could handle, things might've been different and maybe I could be a lawyer today. Didn't happen and it won't happen. But for you it can happen, you just have to be involved in maybe less activities, or trying to major in one thing and maybe later the other,(IDK if it's possible where you live) get time for yourself and don't try to do everything at once because with or without an illness you can crash and picking up the pieces it's a lot harder than crashing in the first place. Don't give up your dreams, they may take longer to accomplish, but you can reach them, you just need to be careful and listen to your mind and body.

Take care

Lexicon_Devil wrote:I'm sort of in a similar set of circumstances, being 22, a senior at university (philosophy major, writing minor), and preparing to apply to graduate school (book publishing)... I'm also "high-functioning," though this has diminished some as the course of the illness has progressed; my GPA is somewhere around 3.85, but I'm also going much easier on myself at this point, and pushing myself to do very little outside of what I absolutely need to. I eventually just had to accept that this condition was going to limit me in some ways, and that it was more important to me to be happy than incredibly ambitious or prestigious. I want to be a copyeditor, I want to write my own books on the side, and I want to spend time with my partner and my puppy. That's all I can see myself handling in the long-term if I want to be productive, happy, and stable all at the same time.

My advice would be to just really examine what you want vs. what's realistic over the long-term, and finding a happy medium between them that allows you to stay sane. You might be fine if you just cut back on some of your student organizations and extracurricular activities, focusing only on your classes. Keep your workload reasonable; sometimes we can be productive to almost superhuman degrees while just slightly hypomanic, but it gets out of control, is not always rational, and can end up being downright destructive (not to mention the damage these episodes do to our brains). It's no good having all the prestige in the world if you end up unable to function (or worse, dead), and remember, taking care of your health does not make you weak!

Once again, thank you all for being so empathetic in your responses