Temper issues, consuming feelings and such.

I'll be discussing with my doc about it, when I see him next time. In the meantime, I'd love to have your opinion on this.

What do you do to control your temper? How do you even manage it? Do you take any therapies for it? I mean, I haven't gotten involved in physical fights due to my anger, but, dear lord, the rage I feel inside is just crazy. Everything is on fire. My body burns whenever I lose my temper. From time to time, I fantasize about destroying things. Or much worse.*

Another question, how sensitive are you? Are confrontations overwhelming? I can't deal with confrontations. Too much. Anything goes out of ordinary and I'm doomed to be affected by it.

*It doesn't take much to get on my nerves. It's kind of funny, but, recently, I read something like, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you're in fact just surrounded by ass-holes." Okay, I snap easily if I hear anything stupid. But, then, I've this friend of mine, very sensible and smart, but, he can easily ignore those kinds of things. He doesn't give any f**k. On the other hand, I can't. I can't let any racist, sexist or stupid comment or ignorance pass-by without boiling my blood. God, what's wrong? I'm so upset at things, sometimes.

Also, there's something I want to share, which I desperately need to get out of my system. I wonder how many of you identify with it. I'm talking about the expectations from family and all those societal restrictions you face. You can skip, if you want to.
Right from the starting I had this habit of keeping things to myself. I had seen a lot of going on in my family (I mean, no exception here), and I was highly sensitive; would get overwhelmed easily and go somewhere quite and cry. Once, something happened at my school, and I came back home and cried in front of my parents. I couldn't control myself. And all hell broke loose. First thing I got to hear was that my family was disappointed in me because they thought I was a much stronger person; I could handle things easily, and that I've it in my blood. I guess, they wanted me to believe in myself, but, what I needed was just a shoulder to cry on. That's all I needed at that time, I swear.
And, god, that was the starting. I never ever confided in them again. Never ever. I was made to think that I could handle things on my own no matter what. That I'm actually the kind of person they wanted me to be. And, I did try to handle things. Whatever life threw at me. I tried to be that person who's not easily affected by the surroundings and people. I felt so suffocated all the time. I knew I needed to get away asap.
I'm studying in foreign country right now and I thought of telling them about bipolar disorder over skype last time. I couldn't. I know them right in and out. They'd be all depressed all over it. They always tell me that they're so proud of me and s**t. They have a lot of difficulties, I understand. But, I think, in the long run, they've started taking my smile for granted. That I'm destined to be happy and all that amazing person. Oh, god, how much I hate it. They love me very much, don't get me wrong. But, I can't smile all the time for them.
And I get overwhelmed every-time I try to sort out my feelings with them. I can't do it.

Sometimes, I wonder if all of it (this bipolar) is due to the fact that I repressed myself or my emotions during all those years.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I feel better I guess. Any kind of comments are welcome.

Ah, I'm really depressed right now. Not sure if all of this post made any sense.

I used to be consumed by my anger and react either with turning it inwards -- self-harm -- or outwards very easily. Working a 12-step program has helped me enormously. I have actually learned to let things go -- not always, not quickly enough sometimes, but it happens now and it used to, well, not happen. Racist, sexist stuff gets on my nerves immediately, but nowadays instead of getting into Twitter fights or exploding in long tirades I mostly just block the person (there's 7 billion people in the world, I'll survive without homophobes and racists) and move on.

I'm sorry you haven't been supported by your family. This reaction they gave you was hurtful -- you're still hurting years after. This is what therapists' houses are built from -- our past traumas. I don't know how your parents will react to you telling them about your BP. You might be surprised by their reaction -- negatively or positively. But you don't really know until you try, and you know one thing: fake smile plastered all over your face hurts you every day. What if you land in a hospital for weeks? They'll have to find out. Of course I hope this never happens. But keeping a facade for the world outside ends... well in my case it ended with depression, self-harm, suicide attempts and addiction. And then I failed anyway even though my friend whisky was so helpful most of the time. (Except mornings. It was very unhelpful the morning after.)

My family know now. They know about my bipolar, about my inability to work, about me being on benefits. They tell me they love me and that they're proud of me. My mom is trying her best to understand why I gave up my "good job with a computer and stuff" to pursue a new career she sees as not much more than physical work. She doesn't really get it. But she's happy that I am happy -- and happy I am. And when I am not happy, I tell her too. We don't live in the same country, so she can't hug me. But at least she understands now that I can't be a sculpture made of rock with a big smile carved on it. And this makes my life so much easier... and happier.

Big hugs.

Oh, I just realized the quote was supposed to be, "... first make sure that you're NOT* in fact just surrounded.."
Quiet*
Oh, and.. nevermind.

oliveira wrote:I used to be consumed by my anger and react either with turning it inwards -- self-harm -- or outwards very easily. Working a 12-step program has helped me enormously. I have actually learned to let things go -- not always, not quickly enough sometimes, but it happens now and it used to, well, not happen. Racist, sexist stuff gets on my nerves immediately, but nowadays instead of getting into Twitter fights or exploding in long tirades I mostly just block the person (there's 7 billion people in the world, I'll survive without homophobes and racists) and move on.

That's a relief. I'd been thinking of joining similar programs, if there're any available here.

oliveira wrote:This reaction they gave you was hurtful -- you're still hurting years after.

God, this is exactly what I wanted to hear. I wasn't sure if anyone would understand it, and I haven't shared it with any of my close friends.

oliveira wrote:But keeping a facade for the world outside ends... well in my case it ended with depression, self-harm, suicide attempts and addiction.

This.. keeping a facade has been killing me inside for years. Never realized it before.

I've been thinking about self-harming and suicide a lot lately. I've managed to get a grip on myself today, somehow. Just trying to keep away from triggers.

oliveira wrote:My family know now. They know about my bipolar, about my inability to work, about me being on benefits. They tell me they love me and that they're proud of me. My mom is trying her best to understand why I gave up my "good job with a computer and stuff" to pursue a new career she sees as not much more than physical work. She doesn't really get it. But she's happy that I am happy -- and happy I am. And when I am not happy, I tell her too. We don't live in the same country, so she can't hug me. But at least she understands now that I can't be a sculpture made of rock with a big smile carved on it. And this makes my life so much easier... and happier.

Thank you for sharing. All of it. Thanks so much.

Story of my life. The temper has been an issue only recently, but sensitivity always. Family and others having high expectations, not understanding. Societal expectations - sensitivity not being an acceptable behaviour in the professional workplace.

I guess I worry about being a tremendous disappointment to my parents. But it seems that they are still proud of me, as distressing as the bipolar has been for them.

That incident, when you came home crying, and got disciplined for it - sounds very traumatic. But do you see this incident as an indication of how your parents generally feel about your sensitivity? Are you continuously feeling that same situation over and over? Or can you see it as a parenting mistake? Parents not knowing how to best parent a sensitive child?

bipolarbirdie wrote:But do you see this incident as an indication of how your parents generally feel about your sensitivity? Are you continuously feeling that same situation over and over? Or can you see it as a parenting mistake? Parents not knowing how to best parent a sensitive child?

It's difficult to answer that. They've always been like this. And, I've to point this out: they've narrow minded views, in general. For example, my dad can be pretty racist. I come from an orthodox family with strong religious background. Too many restrictions, and deeply rooted principles (wrong or not). I'd always suppressed my feelings and tried to comply with societal calls as much as I could when in my home country. (I'm not talking about my bipolar episodes). For instance, I'm an atheist, but, nobody knows this in my family. I once told my mother about how I don't believe in religious god, and I don't want to participate in the regular ritual texts or prayers. (I was very careful in putting my words, and used a very soft tone). Her reaction? She became very hyper and demanded that I instantly apologize for even thinking so. She wasn't even ready to hear anything. I've always felt like - for their own sanity they want me to accept the things they believe in. Which is wrong. Very wrong. (Here, I said it, you guys).
I should have at least this much of freedom in my life. I'm not pushing anyone into accepting my own set of beliefs, so, why do I have to face it?

This is going to become a rant again - I've always been drawn towards free thinking and open mindedness. (Thanks to people I met during my school time.) But, when with my family, I always kept every sort of thought or emotion inside me. The only escape I had was the time with friends and only then, I could be myself. I lived two lives. Exactly opposite natured. No wonder I used to be bursting out with energy the moment I was out of home.
How my family sees me - always calm, smiling and a very obedient person.
How my friends see me - short tempered, energetic, sensitive and a rebel.

I was once abused by an officer, and that was when I had entered into first major depressive episode. I took SAT's a week later and broke down in the examination hall. Screw the tests, I thought. Screw my dream of getting out of this country, I thought. I just wanted to die. Long story short, I couldn't take it anymore and came out clean about my depression in front of my mum. I was totally broken. Next thing she told me - "it's a small thing and you should just ignore it since it's going to hold you back." She told me to that I'm a much stronger person and it's okay. She told me to smile like I always do. That's all I got.
What I wanted to hear: That she'll protect me (I was $#%^ scared and couldn't think straight). I wanted her to say those magic words: I'm by your side. Thanks to the peer counseling, I somehow got over it, although, nightmares continued for months. I used to just close my room and cry for hours before falling asleep. What is family for, I thought. Probably I'm selfish in that sense. But, I'm constantly struggling through this dilemma of supporting my family instead of pursuing my passions or dreams.

They're not doing it on purpose. No offense to anyone, but, my family has this really hard-core deterministic belief and that god has a plan behind everything. I've tried understanding their way of thinking. I think they aren't conscious of their actions. They don't realize the full meaning behind the things they do or even the things they say. I don't really blame them for it. They had a really strict upbringing, unlike me no access to science or good education in general. My dad has a history of major depression. He doesn't accept that he has anxiety issues. As a result he never sought any help from doctor.

I was bullied during middle school. I came back home and tried telling them, but, I didn't have the strength to actually do it, in reality. To speak out the truth, or stood up to my bullies. I would end up crying hard or just start shaking horribly.

My problem is that I ran away from my situation a lot. I still avoid talking about the things that cause me pain. It's too emotional. I can't do it. Thinking about those traumatic experiences is too overwhelming, and s**t, I guess.

In all honesty, even though I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I'm very happy that I'm studying in a foreign country, finally away from all those stupid stigmas and restrictions, without being dependent on my family, financially or otherwise. After coming to japan, as a foreigner, for the first time in my life, I've experienced this independent life. I admit it has its own disadvantages, but, dear god, I would hate to be back to my home country. I have just stepped out of my home. There remains a whole world out there for me to explore.

Do I make any sense? Oh, well.

Thanks for asking. I needed to get all of it out. For once and all.

And, perhaps, I should mention that yes, I worry about the disappointment in my parents' eyes.

Families are so confusing. I'm really sorry you're going through all that. I come from a religious background as well, and, like you, I am an atheist. My grandmother, who lives with me, is all about God. Everything she does, even her music (she is a gifted pianist) she relates, somehow, to God. I refuse to go to church. They sign me up for stuff at church anyway, and when I don't go, guilt trip me. We all hold hands and pray at dinner, but I will not say the words. I will not degrade my belief system by saying something I don't believe in, the idea offends me. She squeezes my hand so hard it hurts, harder and harder the longer the prayer goes on and I don't say it. Every night, the same thing.

I am very sensitive, my psychologist says I experience emotions "poignantly." This is problematic for me because, like you, my family does not accept displays of emotion. (My mother's side is old-world German.) I cry when I'm moved, which happens a lot. Tonight, for instance, I was listening to the Moldau, and just wept because it was so incredibly beautiful to me. If my mother had seen that, she would have made fun of me mercilessly with my brother, and probably brought it up for days. I don't understand how being able to relate to such beauty could be a negative thing.

I can relate to what you said about your family and your friends viewing you differently--when I was much younger, I had the same problem. It really continued until I moved in with my dad and changed my name at age 16 (10 yrs ago.) I decided that I was not going to let how anyone viewed me change how I displayed my personality--by that I mean I made a decision to just be true to myself. Of course, if I felt they had a valid point, like, say, if I had been a bitch or something, I would take that into consideration. This was really freeing for me. I am a very weird person--I have a ton of quirks, and I'm socially awkward (which can come across as being a "cute blonde" at first, and a dumb genius later.) I know a lot of random information and facts, I am constantly reading and learning new things, and I have a retentive brain. Some people find this incredibly annoying, including my family. But, I have a number of people in my life who actually appreciate this! It's possible to find those people. I live with my mother and her family now, and yes, sometimes it's hard not to let her constant barrage of criticisms get to me, but I am true to that promise I made 10 years ago. I let her verbally assault me, I talk about it in therapy, and I move on.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my dad, and actually, a bunch of my "friends," told me that that was impossible because I was too smart to be insane. I was not able to get treatment for 2 years because of this. I then had a serious manic episode and ended up getting arrested. To this day, my dad insists that I should be able to "think away" psychosis. My mother is on the opposite extreme, and treats me like I can't possibly know anything because I am mentally ill. I think, eventually, we just have to take matters into our own hands and do what we can with what we have. If I were not financially dependent on my mother, I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. I fantasize about getting out all the time.

What country are you studying in? I did two programs in France, (Aix-en-Provence, Paris) and would take any chance to get back there. I hope you are able to have an enjoyable experience and learn new things. If you're in a city, I hope you can get to as many museums as possible! I so miss that. Best of luck to you.

Oh, and I empathize about the disappointment thing. For me, it has been a lifelong issue (my parents strengths and mine are very different. I can't tell you how many times my mother has said, "I don't know how I ended up with you!") It hurts, but, in the end, wouldn't you rather live a life you feel is honest and has integrity than worry about what someone else has to say, even if that someone else is family?

Your mother sounds fairly supportive; I'd just communicate with her. When I feel bad temper, I walk away, take deep breaths and then either try to communicate diplomatically or just drop the subject and move on.

Sorry, zetamext123, I think my comment was made before I really understood the situation. I can jump to conclusions sometimes, based on my own experiences too much.

Now I see what is the relationship with your parents, and how you feel, and I'm afraid I have no advice here. (Probably for the best, really )

You are very kind and considerate of your parents feelings, and you have suffered a lot so that you won't upset them. You make your decisions independently, which is a lot harder than following rigid rules.

Living in a foreign country was a great experience for me, so I hope you are enjoying yourself. Sounds like peer support is a great option for you.

First of all, sorry the late reply. It was a switch, sudden switch. I've been feeling stable, and I was just avoiding replying to this thread because I didn't want to delve upon those feelings and fall back to the mixed state. Today, I don't give any s**t. I guess, I'm in bring-on-anything mode. Meh.

Maehem wrote:She squeezes my hand so hard it hurts, harder and harder the longer the prayer goes on and I don't say it. Every night, the same thing.

It must have been pretty hard. S**t. I'm sorry. I can totally feel it. I hear you. And, understand you.

Maehem wrote:I am very sensitive, my psychologist says I experience emotions "poignantly."

Story of my life? Emotions are the life and death of me. I can't run away from them. But, then, again, I'm the one who craves to feel things strongly.

Maehem wrote:I live with my mother and her family now, and yes, sometimes it's hard not to let her constant barrage of criticisms get to me, but I am true to that promise I made 10 years ago. I let her verbally assault me, I talk about it in therapy, and I move on.

Oh, Maehem! I'm so sorry. Actually, in all honesty, I've no wise words. Only that, I feel it. I understand how it is. And, hard it is.

Maehem wrote: a bunch of my "friends," told me that that was impossible because I was too smart to be insane.

This. Too smart to be insane. What the hell it is, anyway. This is the problem. I was told the same exact thing. "No, no, you're not bipolar. Come on. You're one of the smartest people I've met." But, little they know, how and in what way I've to keep a control on my emotions every second. How I have to go back to my room and sleep with over-thinking and over-analyzing crippling thoughts. And then, dream about the same stupid scenarios. I'm tired of social norms, expectations, and stigmas. I crave for the liberation from all those things. It's too much, overwhelming. I want to be free, you know?
Sorry, I've been re-reading Sartre's essays.

Maehem wrote:What country are you studying in? I did two programs in France, (Aix-en-Provence, Paris) and would take any chance to get back there. I hope you are able to have an enjoyable experience and learn new things. If you're in a city, I hope you can get to as many museums as possible! I so miss that. Best of luck to you.

I'm studying in japan for my undergraduate degree. Unfortunately, or whatever, I have a love and hate relationship with this country. On top of everything, since I'm on a scholarship, I've to keep my grades decent. I still manage to break some rules, though.
France? Awesome! I've been saving money and if everything (including my fear of flying) works out fine, I'll be in Europe this summer! Oh, yes! Museums! I love art galleries and museums!

Maehem wrote:Oh, and I empathize about the disappointment thing. For me, it has been a lifelong issue (my parents strengths and mine are very different. I can't tell you how many times my mother has said, "I don't know how I ended up with you!") It hurts, but, in the end, wouldn't you rather live a life you feel is honest and has integrity than worry about what someone else has to say, even if that someone else is family?

Thanks, Maehem! For the long reply and sharing all of it.

wouldn't you rather live a life you feel is honest and has integrity than worry about what someone else has to say, even if that someone else is family?

Wise words. Very wise.