Depression or Grief?

I have a bit of an odd question and observation.

Did you go through a grief process when you were initially diagnosed? If so, what did that look like for you?

Depression is one of the stages of grief, but being prone to depression, I'm not quite sure if this is within the normal limits of grief or if the bipolar is coming into play.

In case you're wondering, I'm going through yet another phase of feeling sorry for myself over having bipolar. I'm so sick of it and keep seeing all these things I've missed out on, the friendships lost, the toll it's taken on every single aspect of my life. I've been in a depression of varying degrees since Autumn began but it's normally not this bad.

I hope your better months are Spring and Summer, mine are. Autumn and winter are most difficult for me too. When I was first diagnosed Bipolar it hit me if I would ever be able to be control my temper anger. I went to a psychiatrist after I was almost arrested on multiple occasions for physical fights over me losing my cool. At first it was chalked up to anger and stress, but when I went to commit suicide and was seconds away from success before I got caught, was when I almost landed in a psychiatric hospital but I called a psychiatrist instead because at the time I was needed at home. I think there is times where we loathe our illness (not that we enjoy it, but feel worse about it than usual) and it feels like it's consuming and there isn't any hope and we have lost so much time. This is where it gets really hard because we feel worse after those thoughts. But, I always try to think as difficult as it is - we get these really crappy days to get a few of the good. When those good days come we enjoy and live the hell out of them.

ladyswan wrote:Did you go through a grief process when you were initially diagnosed? If so, what did that look like for you?

I did cry for a few minutes when I read my diagnosis, but I didn't suffer any grief period because I was just barely hanging on to reality. I did have thoughts that my life was over, but I couldn't feel them emotionally because I was stunned and medicated.

Sadly my occasional depression (about what I have missed in my life) is countered by the thought that if I had had a family I would have buckled under the pressure, and my mania would have been out of control more often. I am prone to mania, not depression. It does get me down occasionally to know I have lived a safe life by not living a life.

Sorry, that wasn't very positive. I hope things brighten up in Spring LS. And maybe you can think about how to approach the colder months that come next year.

Otter.

I suffered a lot of losses around the time I became ill, my career being a big one, also losses in personal life, and the loss of the person I thought I was.

It was hard to process these losses with the onset of bipolar mood swings and the grief sort of played out in a weird way as I experienced my first psychotic episode and other mood episodes. There was also some PTSD in there from some emotional abuse.

I guess there is no such thing as normal grief when you have bipolar. A depressed mood swing might be interfering in your ability to grieve OR it may just be the way you are processing your grief.
I guess you need to be gentle on yourself and allow time for whatever activity or personal interaction or timeout you need to grieve. I find that going to a favourite place with happy memories is grounding for me. Other people are grounded in physical activity, others in helping others, and some just need to talk.

many hugs Ladyswan

I did not grieve when actually told the diagnosis but since have done for all that I have lost due to it. I am coming to some acceptance tho that this is my life and it is up to me to make the best of it but it is difficult when you feel like you have missed out because of your diagnosis - and I certainly dont feel acceptance all the time. Give yourself time to grieve over this and be kind to yourself. With time you will come to acceptance but it is OK to not be there atm for sure.

More hugs

Cracked

Thanks for the replies guys. It's helped me see some alternative viewpoints and other things to consider, which is hard to do on my own while depressed.

With regards to grief, I was diagnosed young (early onset) and it shattered a lot of my future dreams, but I think my life is on a track now where there's potential. Going down this route has meant having to do some real soul searching, ending relationships, cutting other ties, and taking huge leaps. So, in effect, I'm grieving over giving up/losing some aspects of my current life in order to gain more stable, positive ones. It's the change... I hate change, and it stresses me out. It's probably factoring into the depression more than I realized.

Excellent question, "Depression or Grief?"

The best writing about grief or grieving I have found is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On Death and Dying".

I could be depressed about what I've lost due to bipolar disorder, but I'm in a pretty good frame of mind, looking forward to what's ahead. I made life hell for my wife, the true love of my life. She finally kicked me out after 18 years of marriage. What I have now is not better or worse. Rather it is different.

I've always loved those strong moments in movies where the hero, or heroine resolves to press on, regardless of their circumstance. The classic scene is from Gone With The Wind when Scarlett O'Hara returns to the bombed and burned out estate at the end of the civil war and pledges to rebuild. It is enough to make me cry.

The message is, "Yes, we have lost everything. Let's grieve, and then move on. There is so much yet for us to live for."

There is actually a phrase to explain this phenomenon. it's called "Impact of diagnosis" it's a part of the stages of change in regards to recovery. Everyone experiences it a little bit differently, and some people experience it for longer periods than others. I know when I received my diagnosis, it was a huge barrier and I definitely lost a lot of hope as I had thoughts like, "What's the point in trying since all I'm going to do is have these types of issues for the rest of my life." Perhaps it's helpful to think of this as just one stage on the road to recovery that people move through. The others are:
Life is Limited
Change is Possible
Commitment for Change
Action for Change

http://transformation-center.org/wp-con ... p-file.pdf
You can see them on Page 4.