I'm very angry with my disorder...help!

Do you ever feel like your bipolar disorder is ruining your potential?

Academics has never been an issue with me; I earned straight As through middle school, took advanced college-level courses in high school...and just love learning for the sake of learning. I'm not the type of student that simply "does" things for the sake of a resume.

But here's where things go downhill: I missed a TON of school, and I've been breaking my back to catch up. Sometimes I'd be out for a few days, finally arrive to school (tired and depressed), and take a test where I wasn't present to learn the material.

I just had a meeting with my guidance counselor who told me that my GPA is now 2.72.

And I'm really disappointed with myself. I KNOW that I can do so much better. It's just that all my absences and a stint in the ER really got in the way of my learning.

It's not that I don't KNOW the information or that the information is DIFFICULT (it's honestly a little too easy), but that it's hard to know what's on a test when you were never in class.

Now I'm putting A LOT of pressure on myself to do better. Like, extreme pressure to perfect everything I'm doing.

I'm worried that my grade will plummet even lower, that I won't be able to pursue my dream career of computer animation (those programs are highly competitive and selective), and that I'm going to disappoint everyone.

I feel like I've disappointed myself, my teachers, my guidance counselor, and especially my parents.

I really wanted to do well in school to get much needed merit scholarships. Neither of my parents finished college, so it would have been a big thing for me to make it into a four-year school.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm aware that problems like grade point averages and college admissions aren't too terrible...but I'm very angry with my disorder right now.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

I feel like there's so much that I can accomplish, but my disorder is ruining everything. I'm more capable than what my scores are going to show colleges. I'm able to contribute more to my school and community than what I have been recently, due to finally transitioning back to school. I feel like I can do better...this isn't my best.

The school hasn't been the most helpful in accommodating me during my junior year.

IEP testing won't even begin until the second week of April, so I'm pretty much on my own until senior year. I'm still in the process of getting a school advocate that will force my school to give me tutoring services and the like, but that too, won't happen until senior year.

I'm sorry that I wrote so much! I honestly needed to rant about this. It's been bothering me endlessly for the past week. Ugh...

Thank you for taking the time to read this. c:

Do you have any advice for me? Have you gone through the same thing? I'm so worried...

Im going to guess that everyone gets angry with this disorder as it effects our livsd in different ways. In the past year it has made my job difficult because I struggle to focus on my job. I have had to ask for FMLA to manage doctor appts. and just days that I cant handle work. Days I just cant get out of bed. So yes, some days I resent it. When I have bills to pay and my check is short because I was mentally to sick to work... I resent my illness.

It sounds to me like your priority is your grades and achievement rather than your health. It was for me back then too. Constantly getting A's in school will get you addicted to the high achievement and take the focus away from your self esteem.

I ignored all signs that I was becoming unwell and didn't stop until things got really bad. Now my career is in the $#%^ but I found my true love and got married and began to get my illness under control. And so the future looks good. All my high achievement certificates are in the cupboard and nobody cares about them any more.

It sounds like "all that time off school and a stint in the ER" is not a small thing. How did that affect your brain? Be honest, you won't be as sharp as you used to be. It will take some time to recover.

Thanks for answering. ^_^

I think what I meant to say is that my learning ability hasn't changed, but rather, the days of school that I've missed are impacting me. I mean, no matter how smart someone is...missing a lot of school is going to affect them.

It just feels like doing well in school is the most important thing because of all the pressure from my peers, the school, and myself...Ah, I'm just really stressed out. >.<

Hey, mintyminnie.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think I relate to a lot of things you mentioned. I'm a college student and studying on a scholarship in a foreign country. Now, just because of the scholarship, there're a lot of expectations from me on the part of professors at my university. Don't get me wrong, I love studying Physics and have a similar passion in other area. But, I've noticed that I crack down, easily and a lot, under the pressure or expectations. During high school, I used to handle things beautifully, although, the symptoms were there, still, not that extreme. Sometimes, I get paranoid that I cannot perform poor at any of the lectures otherwise my scholarship will be in danger (although, I've been told several times, that I need not worry about my grades). But, I just get paranoid. Can't help it.

And, I'm a true believer that grades don't represent me. I don't want the grades to define my existence. But, let's face it, if I want to enter into a graduate school, I need to have at least decent grades. And, I refuse to stop challenging myself because of this disorder. Call me stubborn. BUT, I do get angry at myself that I can't manage even the simplest things, sometimes. And, then, I get angry about this bipolar thing. I wish I could undo it, you know. If nothing comes to my mind, I start thinking about ways to end all of it.

The stress is natural in your situation. Hell, I feel suffocated during examination periods, unless I'm already depressed and don't give any damn about anything. Which has consequences of its own.

Try to calm yourself down. Believe in yourself. Your capabilities. Don't let this disorder define you. Start slowly and slowly. I had crashed horribly during my last semester. Horribly. But, I tried to restrict my coursework this semester, and things are turning out fine. My confidence is coming back slowly and slowly. And, now I'm looking forward to some a bit difficult and interesting lectures this semester. What I mean is: You need confidence in yourself right now. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't worry, first of all things. Please. I know it's easier said than done.

Does your guidance counselor know about your condition? Do you have access to therapy?*

Secondly, I kind of agree with bipolarbirdie. Specially the part about high achievements. Probably, the key is not to be too hard on yourself. Start by managing easy things. Or set some priorities, first. It'll take time, yes. And, then, when you feel comfortable, try including more things into your set-goals.

*Edit - Have you ever talked to any of your teachers about this issue? I think it might make a difference in your case? Sometimes, teachers are willing to extend the assignment deadlines.

I wish you good luck. Keep us updated!

Sorry I think I put that rather bluntly :_ didn't mean that you are not still smart. Let me clarify. What I was referring to by 'sharp' was actually the way that uncontrolled bipolar can affect certain cognitive processes such as working memory, concentration and so forth. A psychotic episode, a manic episode, or depression will do this. Chronic stress will also do it. So will some medications.

I guess I would be very suprised if someone's cognition was not affected by the disease. But you are the one inside your own brain so you know what is happening, so forgive me if I was wrong about that. It can be a consequence of long term uncontrolled bipolar.

I guess I wanted to be a bit harsh so you realise the potential that bipolar has to mess up your life. I could say "oh don't worry, just try a bit harder to catch up and everything will be alright"; but that is basically not true. It's really important to learn to manage the illness and how to live with it - if you do it well, you can get your life on track; if you don't respect the power of the illness it will trip you up again and again.

Consider whether you need to defer those studies, take on a lighter load for a while, or whether you are going to continue to stress about meeting your original expectations.

I am basically writing to you as I would give advice to my younger self, if I could. If I could go back in time and teach myself the importance of looking after myself, and teach me how to do it, I would. The consequences of continued and unrelenting expectations and stress on myself were severe. It took about eight years to destroy my own mind, but I did it.

If I could I would reassess some of the decisions I made such as:
-who I chose to be my friends (and boyfriend)
-why did I give up my hobby of music just because I didn't have time to prepare for exams any more
-why did I continue to go out drinking on the weekend?
-why didn't I take time for rest and relaxation?
-why didn't I exercise?
-why didn't I take a 'gap year?'
-why did I choose the course my parents wanted me to do?
-why did I think getting a high distinction was more important than grieving a family member?
and so on.

These are just ordinary things that people need to do to take care of themselves, but being a sensitive person, I should have been taking even more care of myself than usual. But I hated my sensitive side, I was ashamed of it, and so I basically just destroyed myself with stress, and that's when the major symptoms of bipolar started.

So by all means go back to study, but please don't go back to stress.

We've just watched the Olympics... The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.
One of Canada's outstanding olympians is Clara Hughes, medalist in both the summer and winter games. She's now an activist and advocate for openness about mental illness because she has had her own battles with depression.

You can find her story and plans here: http://clarasbigride.bell.ca/en/
Google Clara Hughes to find out more.

You do the best you can to prepare, then you do the best you can on the day, then you accept come what may, knowing inside that you did your best.

Dig deep inside. Don't be satisfied with the status quo. Find your inner Olympian. Build a team of doctors, tutors, teachers, psychologists around you.
You can do better. Earn every decile of your GPA. I know you can.

Never give in, Never give up. Dream big then chase your dream. Believe.