Here is a selfish thought. Triggering?

I just took my nightly cocktail, and was thinking to myself. Bipolar will never let me forget it. Meds two times a day to remind me, even when I am stable. Therapists, psychiatrists, bills in the mail. I can't ever distance myself and take a breath because there is always a reminder that I'm not well. And presumably, this is for life.

My end game has never been to be off meds or away from therapy completely. The most optimistic I have heard from my doctors was "Long term minimum dosages"

I almost wish that instead of a mental illness I had something fatal. At least then there would be an end game, and something to fight against. Maybe people would think I was brave. Maybe when I relapsed people would gather around me in support instead of accusing me of breaking their hearts. Maybe when I end up dwelling on my illness day in and day out, they would say I am bearing my cross instead of telling me I am being selfish.

If I die as a bipolar it will mean I killed myself. People will say I was selfish, that I hurt everyone around me, that I should have done something else. If I die because I can't cope, I won't be a hero.

I relate a lot to what you are saying. It's so hard when people don't understand. I have also been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I also hate people telling me to get a grip or having a go because I just can't get up and clean. They don't understand why I lack the motivation and it feels like I'm constantly letting everyone down. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I think maybe.. those people who think that need to be cut from your life. Sometimes the only way to cope with life is to cut off the unfruitful branches.

I think most people end up taking medications throughout the rest of their lives.. so many problems that would kill people early on, now are treatable through medication.

I think everyone has to see a doctor the rest of their lives. It's just part of living now. And if people have problems with that, they can go and leave.

I know I've just gotten tired of dealing with people like that. I prefer not to even associate myself with them, or to confront them about it directly and make them uncomfortable.

Wow, I relate to everything you say! Every single day, at least twice a day I have to think about this. At the very least, because usually it's more. Once for the lithium and then another with the quetiapine. It's like those pills are taunting me "You're not normal! You can't function without us!". I hate it, I still have a really hard time accepting this stupid disorder. I can't help it, but I do hope my views change eventually. At least now I believe it, I didn't at first!

I also get what you say about having something fatal and about suicide. Mental illness is not understood, at all. I know how I thought about it before being diagnosed and I don't like it. I know what some of the people I work with think about MI, and that's even worse. It's scary to think that people with degrees in mental health can have such prejudice! Sometimes I wish I wasn't so concerned with the people around me, then I wouldn't feel guilty for thinking about suicide. Sorry, not trying to depress anyone, that's just how I feel sometimes.

Anyway, I try to take it a day at a time. It's not easy, but it's easier than considering my whole life ahead of me. Just get through today, and we'll see about tomorrow then. One step at a time kind of thing. I hope you can find some strength and comfort somewhere!

Phone call from my mom, "Are you suicidal?"
Me, "What kind of a question is that?" (I am suicidal, but she wouldn't understand so I say nothing)
Mother, "I just want you to know your grandfather thought people who commit suicide were cowards!"
Me, say nothing. (Think, Gee thanks mom. I appreciate your support, I knew I could count on you.)

I agree, they may very well possibly be people who need to be voided from your life. Friends are always replaceable. I have learned to surround myself with more mindful people. In the older times, we were always taught to tough it out and knock it off. There is still those people who still are stuck in that mentality, but there is people who are very compassionate and understanding but have to be found. Have you ever considered maybe talking to a Bipolar group in your area about stuff like this? I found groups and people who struggle with similar difficulties are the most understanding.

pinkfloydfan810 wrote:I agree, they may very well possibly be people who need to be voided from your life. Friends are always replaceable. I have learned to surround myself with more mindful people. In the older times, we were always taught to tough it out and knock it off. There is still those people who still are stuck in that mentality, but there is people who are very compassionate and understanding but have to be found. Have you ever considered maybe talking to a Bipolar group in your area about stuff like this? I found groups and people who struggle with similar difficulties are the most understanding.

My big problem is I am currently in between college and graduation, and havn't been able to be anywhere long enough straights of time for me to find any support groups long enough for anything to make a difference.

I totally relate to what you're saying. Most of the time, I feel like just "giving up" on life. What happens if I just don't get out of bed any more?

Crazy as it may soud, it actually helps to think about all the people who are bugging you / judging you. Knowing that they think I'm being lazy or a coward makes me want to fight -- I want to get out of bed, make some outstanding contribution to the world, and wave my success in their faces.

I think that a little anger is healthy and can sometimes be a good motivator, at least for me.

mintyminnie wrote:I totally relate to what you're saying. Most of the time, I feel like just "giving up" on life. What happens if I just don't get out of bed any more?

Crazy as it may soud, it actually helps to think about all the people who are bugging you / judging you. Knowing that they think I'm being lazy or a coward makes me want to fight -- I want to get out of bed, make some outstanding contribution to the world, and wave my success in their faces.

I think that a little anger is healthy and can sometimes be a good motivator, at least for me.

HA! I know what you mean. I'm working on my first book, and its going to take every ounce of reserve i have not to write "TOLD YA I COULD DO IT" as the dedication.