Hi all,
I am so sick and tired of having "mental issues". For 14 years I have dealt with hard to treat bipolar and anxiety. Too many meds and no good results. I have tried to become a teacher and a medical assistant. I have degree in criminal justice which I can not use as bipolar scan not carry a gun. I have a EC-4th grade teaching certificate which I can not use as so many people in my community know I have bipolar. Plus my student teaching did not go very well cuz I act bipolar. The kids love me, but the teachers think I'm weird. I went to school for medical assistant school which was 10 months long, 5 days a week and 4 hours a day. I did my month long internship and the patients loved me. The doctors, pa's and other full time MA's did not want me cuz I was not able to get a patient in a room, do all my stuff with them and get out of the room in under 3 minutes. I actually interacted with the patients which apparently was a big no-no. Finally I am working at a grocery store deli. It is highly stressful, mentally, emotionally and physically. They think I am great with the customers but.....I am not fast enough, 3 minutes per customer which includes slicing their meat and cheese and helping them. Also this very young girl has flat out told me she doesn't want to be my friend and it is very hard to work with her because if I try to talk to her she completely ignores me. My manager said to deal with it by just having a business like relationship with her....whatever that means. So, let's face it folks I am one big loser.
I am such a nice person. I try to be good to every person I meet. I am never reserved or stand offish. I am really good with kids and the elderly. I am not so good with my peers. I can honestly see why people want to commit suicide. When you have a life like mine what's the use in being alive. Basically I am just taking up space. Yes I have two sons but I am such an unmotivated, aimless person that their dad has to do everything for them. I want so many things. I want to volunteer, but I just don't do it. I want to learn how to knit, but I know that if I learn I won't actually do it. I want to plant flowers and herbs and veggies but I just keep sitting here on this couch watching Discovery ID. I am so worthless. My youngest son tells me I can't use bipolar as an excuse, that I need to sit goals and work towards them every day. He reminds me that I have the Cindy Crawford beauty stuff and I should be using it every day, but I don't. I can't even take a bath on a regular basis. I never leave the house except to go to work or go to the kids stuff. I have no decent clothes. All I have is my work uniform and lotsa night clothes. On my days off I just stay in the night clothes I had on when I went to sleep the night before. I try to talk with my son about his life and he yells at me and then spends hours talking to his dad. I want to be with my mom cuz she's bipolar too and understands but she's 3 hours away and I don't see her very often.
I HATE being bipolar. All the movies, the news, etc ale us all look like psycho killers and people who need to be institutionalized. The whole country is sympathetic to the so called minorities. The whole country hates us. There is no government money for us. No special weeks to acknowledge us and our struggles. Even my favorite authors end up writing about bipolar people who kill people cuz they quit taking their meds. I am so tired of being alive. So tired. I just want to sleep forever and have my beautiful dreams which are so innocent and where I am just like everyone else.
You are all my people. The only ones who understand. Yet as good as you all are I doubt very much that most of you will read this. It's too long. Maybe I'm a narcissist as well, going on and on about my stupid self. I know I am 47 years old but act like I'm 10 years old. Maybe that's why kids like me so much. Then again, T my real 10 years old I was dxed with "socially immature". This used to be a real diagnosis. My hair is breaking off and the dermatologist said there is nothing wrong with me except I have really bad anxiety and need to see a psychiatrist. HaHa.....already am and he can't seem to fix me. I have tried to commit suicide several times but I'm such a coward I never really have done a good job of it. So why can't my meds work?? Lots of bipolar people act right and blend in with the normals. I just want to be normal. There is no advise anyone can give me, I'm just a losr and will always be one and that's just the plain truth of it all. You guys are great though. I will always love you and believe in you and know that you all are beautiful people. Thanks for listening or reading. Love to all.
~~~MM