Ranting from a bipolar loser

Hi all,

I am so sick and tired of having "mental issues". For 14 years I have dealt with hard to treat bipolar and anxiety. Too many meds and no good results. I have tried to become a teacher and a medical assistant. I have degree in criminal justice which I can not use as bipolar scan not carry a gun. I have a EC-4th grade teaching certificate which I can not use as so many people in my community know I have bipolar. Plus my student teaching did not go very well cuz I act bipolar. The kids love me, but the teachers think I'm weird. I went to school for medical assistant school which was 10 months long, 5 days a week and 4 hours a day. I did my month long internship and the patients loved me. The doctors, pa's and other full time MA's did not want me cuz I was not able to get a patient in a room, do all my stuff with them and get out of the room in under 3 minutes. I actually interacted with the patients which apparently was a big no-no. Finally I am working at a grocery store deli. It is highly stressful, mentally, emotionally and physically. They think I am great with the customers but.....I am not fast enough, 3 minutes per customer which includes slicing their meat and cheese and helping them. Also this very young girl has flat out told me she doesn't want to be my friend and it is very hard to work with her because if I try to talk to her she completely ignores me. My manager said to deal with it by just having a business like relationship with her....whatever that means. So, let's face it folks I am one big loser.

I am such a nice person. I try to be good to every person I meet. I am never reserved or stand offish. I am really good with kids and the elderly. I am not so good with my peers. I can honestly see why people want to commit suicide. When you have a life like mine what's the use in being alive. Basically I am just taking up space. Yes I have two sons but I am such an unmotivated, aimless person that their dad has to do everything for them. I want so many things. I want to volunteer, but I just don't do it. I want to learn how to knit, but I know that if I learn I won't actually do it. I want to plant flowers and herbs and veggies but I just keep sitting here on this couch watching Discovery ID. I am so worthless. My youngest son tells me I can't use bipolar as an excuse, that I need to sit goals and work towards them every day. He reminds me that I have the Cindy Crawford beauty stuff and I should be using it every day, but I don't. I can't even take a bath on a regular basis. I never leave the house except to go to work or go to the kids stuff. I have no decent clothes. All I have is my work uniform and lotsa night clothes. On my days off I just stay in the night clothes I had on when I went to sleep the night before. I try to talk with my son about his life and he yells at me and then spends hours talking to his dad. I want to be with my mom cuz she's bipolar too and understands but she's 3 hours away and I don't see her very often.

I HATE being bipolar. All the movies, the news, etc ale us all look like psycho killers and people who need to be institutionalized. The whole country is sympathetic to the so called minorities. The whole country hates us. There is no government money for us. No special weeks to acknowledge us and our struggles. Even my favorite authors end up writing about bipolar people who kill people cuz they quit taking their meds. I am so tired of being alive. So tired. I just want to sleep forever and have my beautiful dreams which are so innocent and where I am just like everyone else.

You are all my people. The only ones who understand. Yet as good as you all are I doubt very much that most of you will read this. It's too long. Maybe I'm a narcissist as well, going on and on about my stupid self. I know I am 47 years old but act like I'm 10 years old. Maybe that's why kids like me so much. Then again, T my real 10 years old I was dxed with "socially immature". This used to be a real diagnosis. My hair is breaking off and the dermatologist said there is nothing wrong with me except I have really bad anxiety and need to see a psychiatrist. HaHa.....already am and he can't seem to fix me. I have tried to commit suicide several times but I'm such a coward I never really have done a good job of it. So why can't my meds work?? Lots of bipolar people act right and blend in with the normals. I just want to be normal. There is no advise anyone can give me, I'm just a losr and will always be one and that's just the plain truth of it all. You guys are great though. I will always love you and believe in you and know that you all are beautiful people. Thanks for listening or reading. Love to all.
~~~MM

Hi Milliemouse,
You are not a loser! It is these other people who are losers. Other people who don't know how to get along, other people who are so insecure they have to make someone else feel bad. But still, any type of social rejection feels bad and there is nothing wrong with being sensitive to that, it just shows that you are a great person with lots of empathy.

I have had trouble following work and career because of these types of concerns and I am honestly afraid to interact now with people in a normal workplace, even if I go around by myself and see just a few people. There is nothing wrong with my talents or ability to do the job. And there is nothing wrong with my social skills, it's just that i have been bullied and sabotaged and I feel like having bipolar means that somehow people will be judging me, and they will use it to cut me down.

I just hope I can overcome this and get out there again and somehow thicken my skin against the haters. I hope you do too, you seem like a talented person who has a lot to offer.

Hello Millie.

I'm sorry to read about your professional predicament. Yes, the society is almost completely revolving around money and profits nowadays. There's not much we as individuals can do about it. Maybe there would be good place in not-for-profit environment for you? I loved working for a NFP and hope to do so again.

I think the problem is that "you just want to be normal". So did I most of my life. Being dxed with bipolar made me realise this is an impossible goal. I will never "be normal", because whatever that means, I am not this person. I'm different; I'm special. It's not what I ever planned to be. It is difficult at times. But now that I stopped aspiring to "being normal" my life is much easier. I'm not worse than those "normal" ones. I'm different -- same as minorities you mention (which I also am a member of). Bipolar is a part of my personality same as my skin colour or my sexual orientation. If somebody has a problem with it, it's very sad, but ultimately it's not my problem but theirs and they have to work through it.

How old is your youngest son? I think possibly he just doesn't understand that for people like us setting goals is sometimes impossible. I had a goal last week. I made great progress on Friday, then got depressed and did nothing on Saturday. Planning isn't quite easy when you have no clue how you will feel a day after or when taking a bath is loads of work.

To finish off: you are not a loser -- you have been dealt a difficult card in life. You play it to the best of your ability. Some people are born blind; some -- with schizophrenia; we're bipolars. This is not in our control and does not make us losers. You are obviously very intelligent -- look at all the education you got. You can cope with stress at your job -- I can't. I understand life gets tough sometimes. But you are NOT a loser.

Big hugs!

Hi

Sounds like you are really really fed up and I can understand why from all the stuff that is going on for you. I am glad you got it out and hopefully that has helped - even a small amount. I had a couple of thoughts about things that could maybe help but I know there are no quick fixes

One is that are there any support groups for ppl with BP in your area - they can be a lot of use and would add an extra dimension to the peer support you get. Another thought is whether your mood is as stable as it could be- this can be difficult to get on top of but worth thinking about. Also do you see a therapist? If not I think this might really help you.

You are def not a loser - you are in a difficult place trying to do what you can to deal with it.

Huge hugs

Cracked

Hi there

I can relate a lot about what you just wrote, in fact this could've been me a few months ago when I was depressed. I know what is like to have high qualifications and not being able to get a propper job. On a couple of jobs I had time management was always an issue, I remember when I worked at a call center my customer service was great but I had a lot of problems with time management, my phone calls where too long because I wanted to help the customers in all their needs. I had to learn to do things quickly and care less about the customers but it was hard. On another job I had I had to process files and my quality was great but again I didn't reach the goals of the amount of files I had to process so I was always threatened that I would get fired, so my anxiety was through the roof, I ended up quiting cause I found a much better job. Also when I worked as a teacher I was always behind the schedule because I took longer teaching a lesson cause I wanted my students to understand the subject, I taught English and this is a very hard language to learn and I had vulnerable students who had a poor educational background. Anyways I've always been slow but careful, and Idon't understand why that has to be a problem, to care about people and what you do instead of just getting the job done quickly.

You're not a loser, like oliveira said you're just different, we're all different, and with some help you can learn to deal with this situation. And regarding workmates, well, if this person doesn't want to be your friend it's OK, you don't have to be friends with her or even talk to her, just be polite and mantain a friendly attitude, be the bigger person, always say hello and goodbye and be willing to help her at work and that's it. Some people aren't worth the effort. That's what I try to do at work, I'm not really interested in being friends with anyone cause I have friends outside work, but I'm always polite even with people I don't like. If someone doesn't say hello to me I say hello to them first.

It's hard to deal with being bipolar or having any mental illness, things are twice as hard for us, we need extra help, work harder, take meds, support, deal with stigma, etc... and that's overwhelming when you see people who only need coffee and a couple of aspirins to get through the day, but as my therapists have always told me, you don't have to compare yourself with others, not even with other mentally ill people (I have to learn that myself) but only to you. You might feel disoriented and like a loser, but you can get back on track and it's good that first you reached this forum and see that you're not alone. You can deal with this.

Take care!

Hi Milliemouse,
Just like the others have said. "You are not a loser."
When I was a kid I was taught a poem about a man who had no shoes, but didn't complain because he knew a man who had no feet.

Finding the strength to do some volunteering would serve you well. Volunteering is my life since I retired 5 years ago. I interact with homeless people and many of them are homeless because of mental illness. Then they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease their pain but that just makes things worse.

Trying so many careers must have been very depressing. I know what it is like to be loved by the clients but not valued by the management.

Love and appreciate your husband and children. I blew my chances with family 16 years ago and building trust and a new relationship was very difficult.

Take care,

Hi. I read your post the other day and wanted to write but didn't. I have lot on my plate right now and it is difficult to focus. A lot of what you wrote rings true with me. I have no advice and no reall words of encouragement. Just hope you're doing better. Wish I could come up with more than that but I'm a loser myself.

Hi Millie and wretched1
I hear how difficult life is for you right now. It could even be called unbearable.
But you are not losers. Stay at it. I don't know how or when, but life has always got better for me when I wanted to give up. Life will get better for you.

Take care,

Hi All,

I wanted to thank all of you for your wonderful replies! They have all made me feel so much better. I knew deep inside that I could count on you~~Mi Familia (as they say My Family in Spanish here in Central Texas, where I'm working there are many Hispanic people who speak mostly Spanish. I used to know Spanish but lost it since I was not around it anymore...slowly picking it up again . But anyway you guys are the best!! I would like to say a few words to each one of you.

~~Birdie, I appreciate your beautiful words to me. I do feel like I am an empathetic person and you seem like one yourself. I am so sorry that you too have had troubles with jobs and careers. They say that bipolar people go through a lot of jobs. I don't think "they" understand the REAL reasons we go through many jobs. .....until they walk in our shoes..... I am also sorry that you have been so bullied and hurt. I think that's why I, too am so sensitive. I was bullied as a young child, and it continued for years. Even the nun who taught my class bullied me. I always feel bad because being a Catholic it is very important that I forgive. Yet I can't seem to forgive these people. I think my life may have been different if I had not been bullied during my formative years. I bet you and a lot of us can share similar stories. Oh well. Good luck on trying to thicken your skin. This is very hard. I have tried many times and have not been able to do it. All my love and affection to you!!!! <3 <3 (these are hearts)~~~MM

~~~Oliveira, Hello and thank you for your response! First I would like to say that my comment about minorities most certainly wasn't meant the way it came out. I am a Irish/German/English/French woman. I have suffered some prejudice in my life so I know what minorities go through. In my hometown which is in South Texas, it is 65% Hispanic. I dated a half Spanish, Half white guy for 5 years. A lot of people thought he was all Spanish and some people thought he was gay, some people thought we were brother and sister cuz we looked so much alike! So through that I experienced a lot of prejudice. Also, in my hometown almost all half white, half Spanish people are very light skinned people with very dark hair, light brown and big eyes. Exactly the way I look! So I have always had to deal with that kind of prejudice. People who didn't know me were very mean to me. Then I began to hang out with a gay girl. She was very out. She and I did everything together, she was my best friend for years. During this time I noticed how differently people treated me. My ex boyfriend told me on the phone that a lot of people were saying to him, "So I see that your ex has turned gay" luckily he always took up for me and would tell the "stupid" people that just cuz I hung out with a gay girl did not mean I was gay. Thank God because I was already pretty hyper sexual at that time and I didn't scare the guys off!! Then there is my heritage. My family came over from Ireland because of the potato blight. They saw their house burned by the English landlord because they could not make the rent. When they came to America they became indentured slaves to wealthy families to pay off their trip to America. This took two generations, which was ridiculous.
>>>So anyway enough on all that!! Oh yeah being a woman in the South has not been very easy either! I do know what you mean about accepting our bipolar "label". I have actually come up with a theory that bipolar people are the next link in civilization. We are just not perfected yet. I mean who else can stay awake for days, being so productive? Who else is as charming as us? What about our very unique way of looking at things? They think we are grandiose and have delusions. Maybe it's all because they are subconsciously jealous and fear what they can not understand. Most of us are very accepting of different things, no matter how different it is from us. Most normals think this behavior is weird and not socially acceptable. Once again, see the next link thing?? Yes I do try very hard to accept my life. I love God so much! I consider Him my very best friend! He and I have been talking all of my life. (See normals think that is very bipolar to actually think that God talks back to you). Anyway I know that God has always had good things in store for me. I know that no matter how bad my life seems to me, it does have some sort of beautiful pattern. I have always been meant for great things. Only God truly knows why I'm bipolar, why I fail at jobs, have no friends, etc...I'm also very nice to everyone and people are naturally drawn to me and within minutes are telling me their life stories and their problems. I am pretty good at giving advice to them. Hmmmmm......my bipolar helping other people and making my Best Friend smile so, you are very right about my son. He is only 14 and 2 points off from being a genius. He is on the edge of Aspergers so emotions are hard for him to understand. Thank you for all you had to say. It is nice to be reminded I am not a loser. I do hope that things work out for you. Always remember that everyone here loves you and "knows" you. ~~~MM

~~~Hi Cracked! Thanks for your response! I appreciate your kindness, I do like your suggestion of a support group. We used to have one here at the hospital. I went to it for about 6 months and then the group lost the room. I guess the hospital gave it to some other group. I did enjoy going. I defiantly did not feel alone. It seems to be hard to find support groups for bipolar here and also for my mom in South Texas. I have not looked for a support group in a while. Your advice has helped me because now I will look for one! I am such a recluse, never wanting to leave my home. This would help me in this way as well! And yes it has been a difficult place I have been in for awhile. My pdoc took me off my 6 year 1000 mg Depakote and my 120 mg of Cymbalta and changed it to 50mg of Lamictal and 60 mg of Cymbalta back in August. A pretty bad time for me with the boys school time coming up, and both their birthdays. Then the holidays and all of the boys school things. Bad decision on his part. So I have had huge fights with my mom and refused to visit during the holidays, I had never done that before. I quit cooking, and totally quit cleaning. I forgot to take baths and never dressed nice are used makeup. It was bad and actually still is. I really need all of my Cymbalta. And even though he moved my Lamictal to 100 mg per day, it is still not enough. I know my body very well and know I need a strong mood pill and a strong antidepressant. Plus he dropped my Ativan from 4mg at night to 2mg. I am a nervous wreck all day and he put me on .5mg 3xday. .5 mg has never done anything for me! Of course big brother has not helped. I am sure that they are thinking that all people should taking only a small amount of Ativan. It really hurts those of us who have sever anxiety! So, I really need the numbing and dulling of my senses that the extra meds will bring. It kinda sux but when your a mom and wife you can't afford to be too colorful . So anyway thank you for everything and I hope I can help you someday.


OK GUYS!! I will write to the rest of you in a little while. My husband wants me to go mail something. Cya in a bit!!!

Hi Millie, I saw your post earlier and I thought I replied to it. I guess not. I have been all over the place lately. I wanted to tell you, I understand what you are going through. I myself find it easier to get along with the elderly, and children. I usually have a difficult time with "adults" in person frequently also. I noticed you mentioned the girl in the supermarket. I realized very long ago that I am not ever the problem in the situations, but it's rather their issues. I would just ignore her. Most young girls are difficult to deal with because of the age and attitude. It's a shame, I have a difficult time too finding groups for Bipolar's here in PA/New Jersey. The closest one is about 2 hours.