Fear of losing sanity; going crazy and such.

So, before I was diagnosed with bipolar.. i had those phases when I felt like losing my sanity or going crazy. I now relate them to my hypomanic phases. From what I've noticed, those damn-I-am-going-crazy phases lie near end hypomanic phases. That is, after f***-I-am-on-top-of-the-world feeling. And then, I end up losing the control on my emotions and feelings.

I was almost out of control yesterday. I feel like going crazy now. I'm losing my sanity. Slowly and slowly. I can't even trust my own mind now. I feel that it's deceiving me.

Is this for real? This bipolar thing? Nevermind.

I'm pretty sure that many of you have felt like losing the touch to reality. But, to what extent? What does it make you do?

If I recognize things correctly, I went through "existential crisis" a year ago. I was over it. But, these various moods just continue punching me right in the face. It's all over the same, again.

Tell me, just last time, does it really get better with (suitable) medications?

Losing touch with reality pretty much is psychosis. Many people with bipolar disorder experience psychosis with their mood swings. I just have psychosis, unattached to my mood swings. That is to say I lose touch with reality quite frequently with or without mood swings. You are definitely not alone. As for the antipsychotics: they help. So much. I take aripiprazole and I feel almost normal until my moods bug out, but with my mood stabilizer that hardly ever happens. Antipsychotics take time to figure out what is right for you though. Just because I say abilify works for me doesn't necessarily mean it will work for you. Everyone is different.

As for the fear of losing sanity: everyone fears losing touch with reality and never getting it back. You aren't alone in that respect either.

Keep your chin up. Hope this helped!

Hugs

Hey Zeta,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I feel almost insulted when mania is portrayed as a good thing. I don't know which is worse, mania or depression. It was incredible, don't get me wrong. I felt on top of the world like anything was possible. I was flying high above the trees and clouds and brilliant and hilarious ideas popped into my head faster than I could keep up with, though my friends and family know I tried. It was mad. Madness is really the best word for it. My mind would not let me rest and the more I tried to slow down the more I realized I was helpless. My sense were so overloaded I could not handle any stimulation and paced the room in the dark for long periods of time. My head filled with words that no long had meaning and I couldn't hold on to any thought long enough to form a coherent sentence. I also though I was Stevie Nicks. I listened to gypsy on repeat for a good six hours or so and danced in circles.

The crash was very hard to take, if that's what you're referring to. I guess reality began to sink in in a way, where I started to become aware of all the stupid decisions I made and that I'll have to soon face the consequences. But the worst part is knowing that I was mad but not yet back to reality. I would argue with people, throw things, cry a lot. I didn't even know why most of the time.

When I got on Lamictal and Seroquel I started doing much much better. Within a week my moods started to level out and I very quickly found myself back in reality. It's a tough situation, but know that the worst is over! Yea you're not stable yet and yea it's easy to be hard on yourself for not being in control but it's not your fault but you'll be fine soon. It might take weeks to recognize the person in the mirror or months t trust your mind again like the process I've been going through but you've been through so much worse. I hope you get the medication you need soon I'd really like to see you better again. We believe in you

zetamext123 wrote: Tell me, just last time, does it really get better with (suitable) medications?

Yes, with the right prescribed medication, and counseling or talk therapy, it does get better.
My life was a mess. Bottomless fits of anger. Tombs of depression. High and mighty delusions... all behind me for now.
My marriage didn't survive and there were financial adjustments. I was close to losing my job but now all that is over.

I live in a condo on my own and have a pretty good relationship with my sons. I've retired and now spend my time volunteering to drive cancer patients to their appointments and serving soup and sandwiches out of a motorhome to street people. I have friends who know I am bipolar and accept me as I am.

You just have to hold on. Even when it seems impossible and all is lost, hold on.

Take care,

Thank you so much for the reply, guys! I feel very comforted right now. Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. Well, I hope, these words remain stuck in my mind at least for a significant time.

nerdgirl"Just because I say abilify works for me doesn't necessarily mean it will work for you. Everyone is different. [/quote]
Yes, I understand it. Thank you, and yes, I'll keep my chin up.

[quote="MikeHooty wrote:I feel almost insulted when mania is portrayed as a good thing. I don't know which is worse, mania or depression.

I was flying high above the trees and clouds and brilliant and hilarious ideas popped into my head faster than I could keep up with, though my friends and family know I tried. It was mad. Madness is really the best word for it. My mind would not let me rest and the more I tried to slow down the more I realized I was helpless. My sense were so overloaded I could not handle any stimulation and paced the room in the dark for long periods of time. My head filled with words that no long had meaning and I couldn't hold on to any thought long enough to form a coherent sentence. I also though I was Stevie Nicks. I listened to gypsy on repeat for a good six hours or so and danced in circles.

I agree with you. Totally. Madness is the term.

We believe in you

Thank you very much. Those words mean a lot.

skilsaw wrote:Yes, with the right prescribed medication, and counseling or talk therapy, it does get better.
My life was a mess. Bottomless fits of anger. Tombs of depression. High and mighty delusions... all behind me for now.
My marriage didn't survive and there were financial adjustments. I was close to losing my job but now all that is over.

I live in a condo on my own and have a pretty good relationship with my sons. I've retired and now spend my time volunteering to drive cancer patients to their appointments and serving soup and sandwiches out of a motorhome to street people. I have friends who know I am bipolar and accept me as I am.

You just have to hold on. Even when it seems impossible and all is lost, hold on.

Take care,

Wow. I'll mark your words. I'll read them over and over every-time I lose hope. Lastly, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I'm grateful to all of you.

It's like bipolar panic attacks. Makes you think you're going crazy and you probably are!!

zetamext123 wrote:I was almost out of control yesterday. I feel like going crazy now. I'm losing my sanity. Slowly and slowly. I can't even trust my own mind now. I feel that it's deceiving me.

What is normal? What is "not losing my mind"? Reality's different to all of us, but we consider someone insane only after s/he acts different from certain norms created by society or terms we all agreed to be normal.

You just have to ask yourself what is "sane" for you and what is "insane"? Why do you think that just because you think differently or have multiple thoughts and visions at the same time you're going insane? Accept who you are and make peace with BP. The more you're afraid of going insane, the more you do go insane.

Meds help, but in the long run problems are in your head and need to be solved. Just don't overthink and focus on what you do know. Wish you all the best with discovering (and recovering)!

Hi, Zeta. It's difficult what you're going. Ask me how I know. I sometimes feel/have these delusions where I feel like I am living another life, but part of me is still there witnessing it and watching behind glass. It doesn't make any sense, but it is similar to dissociative. It's like daydreaming in your eyes but it isn't happening in real life. There is a lot of excellent medications out there that do help and make it easier to do deal with.

Take care,
Jake

kokoroharu wrote:What is normal? What is "not losing my mind"? Reality's different to all of us, but we consider someone insane only after s/he acts different from certain norms created by society or terms we all agreed to be normal.

I have to disagree. I've read stuff like this in this forum a few times, and I just can't see it that way. There is a normal range for everything. Anything that falls outside that range is not normal. That doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing, but it means it's not normal. As in, most people don't fall in that range. If a person has an IQ of 200 is it normal? No. If a person has three legs, is it normal? Of course not! First time I was depressed I was 10 years old. Was it normal? Not by a long shot! I don't think that means I was losing my mind, but it certainly wasn't normal.

kokoroharu wrote:You just have to ask yourself what is "sane" for you and what is "insane"? Why do you think that just because you think differently or have multiple thoughts and visions at the same time you're going insane? Accept who you are and make peace with BP. The more you're afraid of going insane, the more you do go insane.

The concepts of sane and insane cannot differ that much from person to person. I know these words are unfortunately linked to a lot of stigma, but there has to be a common definition. Call it being mentally healthy and mentally unhealthy, maybe these are softer terms, but there has to be a general agreement on what constitutes mental illness. The thresholds are fuzzy, as in everything. Still, if someone is experiencing hallucinations and a physical exam comes up empty, it's safe to say there's got to be a mental problem.

kokoroharu wrote:Meds help, but in the long run problems are in your head and need to be solved.

No, they are not! Saying that something like this is "in your head" diminishes the problem and makes it sound like it's the person's fault. Like "oh, this is all in your head, you just need to be stronger". If you're diabetic, is it all in your head? No, it's an illness, same as bipolar, borderline, schizophrenia, you name it.


Ok, I'm sorry, I'm probably coming off as very aggressive, and I'm sorry. I'm sure you're trying to be helpful and trying to give some comfort to zetamex, but I'm sick and tired of reading stuff like this, like normal doesn't exist. It does! I'm not normal, I know I'm not, normal people don't behave like I do, don't think the same things I think, don't feel the same way I feel. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, although most of the time it is. It means just exactly that - behaviour and everything else follows a normal distribution and I'm way off the average. There, I said it all. If it's too much, I'm sorry.

Zeta, I don't know if it gets better, but many people say it does. I hope so. All the best to you.

invicta wrote:

kokoroharu wrote:What is normal? What is "not losing my mind"? Reality's different to all of us, but we consider someone insane only after s/he acts different from certain norms created by society or terms we all agreed to be normal.

I have to disagree. I've read stuff like this in this forum a few times, and I just can't see it that way. There is a normal range for everything. Anything that falls outside that range is not normal. That doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing, but it means it's not normal. As in, most people don't fall in that range. If a person has an IQ of 200 is it normal? No. If a person has three legs, is it normal? Of course not! First time I was depressed I was 10 years old. Was it normal? Not by a long shot! I don't think that means I was losing my mind, but it certainly wasn't normal.

kokoroharu wrote:You just have to ask yourself what is "sane" for you and what is "insane"? Why do you think that just because you think differently or have multiple thoughts and visions at the same time you're going insane? Accept who you are and make peace with BP. The more you're afraid of going insane, the more you do go insane.

The concepts of sane and insane cannot differ that much from person to person. I know these words are unfortunately linked to a lot of stigma, but there has to be a common definition. Call it being mentally healthy and mentally unhealthy, maybe these are softer terms, but there has to be a general agreement on what constitutes mental illness. The thresholds are fuzzy, as in everything. Still, if someone is experiencing hallucinations and a physical exam comes up empty, it's safe to say there's got to be a mental problem.

I don't know. To me, normal is a very abstract word. People who are supposed to be normal often have their own quirks. One thing is what we really feel and other what we show to the world. There is no such thing as normal. I believe the term "normal" itself is abnormal, because who and where decided what's normal? It's like when you read from the magazines "be happy, try to be happy". Oh, go ... yourself (not you, invicta, I meant magazines). When you strive to be normal at any cost, eventually it'll cost your sanity + n, or what's "left of it". We should accept that we have people who are different, act, feel and do things differently.

Depression or physical illnesses, of course, are not normal, e.g. our brain/body is not meant to function like this, but one can't say that in case of BP or asthma, six fingers or one kidney, that person is automatically abnormal and should therefore be excluded from the society, or that he or she is permanently damaged. We're not living in ancient times anymore. Rules of our society have changed quite a bit. You don't cast away a member of your family if s/he has an illness, do you?

Mental illnesses become "not normal" when a person is no longer able to do everyday chores, becomes danger to other people and so on. But I agree with you as well. Particulary: "Still, if someone is experiencing hallucinations and a physical exam comes up empty, it's safe to say there's got to be a mental problem."

invicta wrote:

kokoroharu wrote:Meds help, but in the long run problems are in your head and need to be solved.

No, they are not! Saying that something like this is "in your head" diminishes the problem and makes it sound like it's the person's fault. Like "oh, this is all in your head, you just need to be stronger". If you're diabetic, is it all in your head? No, it's an illness, same as bipolar, borderline, schizophrenia, you name it.

The most important aspect of all mental disorders is that the subject itself acknownledges the problem, if it's present, and seeks help or wants to find a solution, even if tests show everything is peachy.

I absolutely did not mean that it's anyone's fault, but I've had my share of psychiatry and psychology studies, as well as adult learning, alternative practices and so on, and what I can tell is that meds do help, but that person who takes them must be able or willing to make some changes, too.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Einstein

For example: you take meds year after year, but don't change your overall routine. Same places, same four walls, same thinking patterns ... What changes can you expect then? And I don't mean anything radical, just taking some small steps. Finding out what are your likes and dislikes, what you can eliminate from your life, what to gain etc. Meds and therapy go hand in hand, but therapy can't be just talking about what's wrong, it should include cognitive therapy and motivation which comes from the inside, motivation that's gradually built.

invicta wrote:Ok, I'm sorry, I'm probably coming off as very aggressive, and I'm sorry. I'm sure you're trying to be helpful and trying to give some comfort to zetamex, but I'm sick and tired of reading stuff like this, like normal doesn't exist. It does! I'm not normal, I know I'm not, normal people don't behave like I do, don't think the same things I think, don't feel the same way I feel. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, although most of the time it is. It means just exactly that - behaviour and everything else follows a normal distribution and I'm way off the average. There, I said it all. If it's too much, I'm sorry.

Why're you sorry? You just pointed out your beliefs and views, that's a good thing. Better than nodding along. And if by your definition not normal is what you've shown in this last paragraph then I'll take it any time over all those "normal" people.