I dont know I dont know I dont know

I have no idea what's going on with my brain.
I've been roughly diagnosed with bipolar but there's things thats really off about it.

I cant watch tv because I will get voices in my head. (happens no matter what mood state I'm in)
I thought my rp characters were me and I didnt exist and I thought I had DID because of it. I thought my character Quinn would drive and that Serev was a terrible driver. what the hell. This was for several months too. Suddenly I got really manic and those thoughts cleared out of my head and I was like "what the heck is this" but I was pacing around talking to myself and wanting to clean ALL THE THINGS and I hung out with my friends but it felt like I wasnt there and I was floating. or I didnt exist. but I was so happy. I carried around a pokemon card I found and kept saying "this is my skarmory. I have skarmory. I have skarmory. I love him. This is my skarmory." to everyone. Also since I've been on lamictal I've gotten super super paranoid and anxious. though everyone before said I probably had bad anxiety.. but there wasnt anything in my head??? like I didnt have thoughts. I just would do things. Like I wasnt there.
I havent had a single depressive state while on lamictal, and I think this is and another time was the only manic state I had. I cant keep track of time no matter how hard I try. Time just extends itself or everything was yesterday. Sometimes my thoughts just drop off the face of the planet or I studder or just stop thinking. I dont have racing thoughts because there's nothing in my head. I cant reach my thoughts. I dont know where they went. I feel pretty good today but yesterday was scary. and I talked to my therapist today but I was telling her these scary things but I was smiling and happy but I was shaking and I dont know whats happening.

My head keeps saying "you're faking all of this. you're not real. this doesnt exist. schizophrenia. schizophrenia. schizophrenia. schizophrenia. that is what you have. that is what you have. that is what you're faking. your friend told you but you're just faking him and mimicking him."

I dont know what to do. I feel okay I guess. just scared. I'm acting a lot like my schizophrenic friend and he's really worried about me. but I'm scared that if I hang out with him too much that I'll start acting like him subconsciously and think that I have the same thing that he has and then my therapist will think I'm lying.

my therapist said that before I was on lamictal that I probably had psychosis and dissociation.

Luckily I just found my old rp partner so I can rp with her all my characters that are in my head. IN MY HEAD WHERE THEY BELONG. Not driving my car. what the heck.

I dont know anymore. I dont know. I dont know. I'm terrified I have schizophrenia because I never was this paranoid. I wasnt ever this anxious that I was aware of. I keep wanting to write and write and write but I dont know where to put it and I think I'm lying but I just want to express myself and I'm so confused.

does this even sound like bipolar. I'm happy but I'm not overly happy today. yesterday I was overly happy. I was overly happy for no reason. I was saying "the fridge. the fridge. the room the room the room is clean. I am so happy. look at my art." and then I would look at my artwork then refresh and look at it again then refresh then look at it again and refresh and look at it again.

people are wondering what's wrong with me and I dont know. it feels like someone is taking a screw and slowly screwing it into my brain. that's what I see in my head.

what even is this, I dont even know.

oh! I'm 25. jsyk.
I went from 16 credit hours of college and a job and a home business and a band all at the same time to failing half the classes I had because I stopped making sense and then I ran away from home at 22 and now I live in the ghetto but am happy but I cant hold a job. I am too scared of the people at the job manipulating me and taking advantage of me or driving me more insane and I dont want them to destroy my life and I dont want to be a slave. I've been selling things on ebay but I'm scared to leave my room for things except interact with my friends. I need to sell things on ebay. I paid half my rent. today is the last day I need to go do things I need to go pick up my girlfriend. I'm pretty okay though. my roomate/landlord is awesome. why cant I list things on ebay

Wow, you sure are having a wild ride. I'm sorry you are having such difficulty.
You do mention seeing your therapist, and taking medication and that is good.
But there seems to be so much more going on in your mind that just bipolar.

How much of your experience have you shared with your therapist?
You note here is pretty clear about what is going on in your life.
Maybe you should email it to your therapist or print a copy and take it to her.
Ask her to read it and keep it on your file. It can become a bench mark from which you measure changes in your condition... Am I better than I was? or Am I worse than I was?

How are you at keeping a regular routine in your life? Eating, sleeping, exercise, time with friends.
I'm trying to make sure I get the right amount of each. I've gained weight and lost physical fitness due to poor eating and lack of exercise. Now I'm trying to eat better and get regular exercise.

Your family must be devastated by the changes in your life in the last 3 years. I hope you are able to share with them a bit of what you are experiencing and maintain good relationships with them.

Don't lose hope! Hope in a better future can get us through almost any crisis.

Take care,

zrcalo wrote:why cant I list things on ebay

Because.. reasons. As for rest of this, let me find my deciphering book. Or necrotelicomnicon.

zrcalo wrote:Suddenly I got really manic and those thoughts cleared out of my head and I was like "what the heck is this" but I was pacing around talking to myself and wanting to clean ALL THE THINGS and I hung out with my friends but it felt like I wasnt there and I was floating. or I didnt exist. but I was so happy.

Got that with my hypos. Especially walking around talking to myself, just barely grasping to doing something useful, like cleaning around.. At times it feels like my body is just going on auto-pilot while my consciousness takes back seat and starts to daydream up a new chapter of the book I'll never have time to type down. :p

And then there are moments when I look at my own arms wondering if they are really part of me. Or rest hand on soft fabric, and moment later it feels rock hard until it properly catches your attention and sort of refreshes the feel.

zrcalo wrote:I cant keep track of time no matter how hard I try. Time just extends itself or everything was yesterday.

And that. Well, actually I get that all the time. Either I'll skip whole days or can't figure out where a day's worth of memory is supposed to fit in. Doing easy task as reading a forum and making few replies can take either 5 minutes - or 1½ hours, like today.. That was just uncanny feeling. Not to mention whole "when was last time I ate something.." The point when you'll go for 2~3 days without making a proper meal because you forget the idea within 5 minutes and then lose few hours.. geez.

The faking bits.. Think I can relate to the feeling. I can pour all my subjective experiences and feelings into essay worth of text. Then doubt myself, wondering if I just imagined it all. And then wonder if there's even difference between the two.. All these things come from somewhere, and I'm quite sure I haven't just made them up. I just can't pin them down to 'when' or 'where'.. That's my flimsy grasp of memory in nutshell, when my head decides to kick from 5th gear to reverse.

Everything else sounds ominous, creepy and at least partially what I've gathered a psychosis on proper mania could stir up in one's brain. Throw in a bad case of mixed' for extra twist. My personal experience so far is limited to different versions of hypos.

@skilsaw

Yeah I just.. dont know what's going on with my head. Yesterday I wasnt speaking right either. I kept misplacing words or having a hard time thinking so I'd say a word twice. I wasnt giddy. I was happy but I wasnt overly happy.

I've pretty much shared everything with my therapist. I think. But I'm not sure. I need to reiterate a few points I think. and I need to write down what all has been going on for her. because I'll write it down and then read only half of it to her and scoff at it. I'm better earlier in the morning than later during the day.

I dont know if I have a routine or not. Its really loose. I have a meet I go to on tuesday with my friends. I have days where I have some things scheduled. I wake up in the morning and get on my computer and look at my habit list in habitrpg (you get little pixel pets for doing things irl) and I feed my animals then I do things that I want to do? I need to focus on making more money but inside I just laugh at myself because ###$ money.

My family is more.. confused.. than anything else. my grandma is just happy that I'm not on drugs and I am living on my own. even if it's semi-assisted by roomates.

@lanka

Oh great wonderful wizard, summon the great ones to help me with the ebays with your necrotelicomnicon.

Yeah I'm looking at a lot of posts about bipolar here and psychotic episodes and such.. I just.. wish this thing would clear up so I could think properly again.

the strangest thing is, I havent been depressed at all! I havent been depressed in months and months. this is new to me. usually I'll be depressed and sleep constantly and cry for a few days then be so manic I'll be running around walmart saying how amazing it is. then I'll be depressed.. or I'll be sitting on the ground being depressed then laughing at it then crying then laughing at myself for crying and talking to myself.

but since I've been on lamictal I havent had any of the depression at all. I, for the most part, have felt fine.. until my brain starts melting out of my head. I'm not snappish or irritated at people, I just get.. really happy and I love everyone and I am terrified of doing things because everything can kill me.

my therapist kept asking me if I did any risk taking behaviour or had racing thoughts.
and I didnt have either of those. when I'm manic I'm scared so I actually have a clearer head about my behaviour. But my thoughts arent there. or they dont make sense. last night I knew the color green was talking to me in a scratchy gravelly voice. the color green! and I keep having a hard time talking or even typing. I'll slur my words together or repeat them or I'll take long pauses because my brain just stops.

this is really frustrating.
I definitely know I have bipolar but.. seirously.. months of believing I was my rp characters and asking my friends to call me them and talking to them out loud while I drove my car?.. waht. and I wasnt manic. I was pretty much normal. I was actually getting things done and functioning on a good level. I felt like I was real and there.

zrcalo wrote:I definitely know I have bipolar but.. seirously.. months of believing I was my rp characters and asking my friends to call me them and talking to them out loud while I drove my car?.. waht. and I wasnt manic. I was pretty much normal. I was actually getting things done and functioning on a good level. I felt like I was real and there.

Just to chime in on this: you don't always know you are manic. With my first hypomania I spoke to gods and they spoke back; I would look in the mirror and my face would transform into that of a god; I was his son, and I was receiving signs. And I knew it was all real. It didn't make me think for a second "wait, that's a bit odd". I just thought "wow, this is how religious people feel" (I used to be agnostic before that). I was getting a lot done as well, started a business, did some amazing design work, passed a language exam. Told someone that there was a folk song from the 9th century written about me. I believed this was real. I was actually very disappointed to find out it wasn't. :/

See, I didnt realize that happened with hypomania...

:/ now I'm just scared and/or confused because what's normal level??? I started believing this stuff about the beginning of december and stopped a few days ago when I was super mega manic. I was like.. wait a second.. this doesnt make sense.. as I was pacing back and forth being super super super excited about nothing.

like.. I still believe my rp characters are real, and they speak to me. Or rather, I'm them and that's how I organize my brain I think?.. I just.. I need to question everything I do because I cant trust myself.

I dont... what's normal state?.. I dont understand what that is now. I'm typically a very positive person and I like to look on the bright side of life. but now you said that could be hypomania?.. does hypomania last for like 3 months?

I guess I was also depressed a few times too. My best friend betrayed me and tried to smash up all my friendships around me.. luckily my other friend stepped in to stop her and I still have all my friends. I was really upset and sad. But I just wonder if she temporarily lost her mind.. or what's going on with her.. :/ I'm still worried about her because me and her were so close... but I really shouldnt focus on that because it's rubbing salt in wounds. ... but I just cant stop.

I can just tune out my emotions too if they become too bothersome.
like, last night I discovered an artist I was following online had blocked me because of her.. and I was crying. Then my gf came in and I immediately started joking and laughing with her, then I turned back to the computer and was sad again. But now I'm fine. I also got a good amount of sleep. The past two days I didnt get 8 hours, I got 6 and I was really tired. Mostly because Im not used to waking up early in the morning to do things.

yesterday it was raining and RAIN IS TERRIFYING. I REFUSE TO DRIVE OR DO ANYTHING IN IT.

sorry I'm a bit.. rambly.. here..
but when you get manic, can you turn off your emotions??? Like when you get sad, you turn off your emotions???
When I was depressed I didnt have emotions. I would just sleep all day and cry at things for no reason. My cat died and I didnt care at all. I just stared at people blankly and shrugged.

when I was really manic before I was on medication, my brain would be in a haze and I would think about killing myself because it was hilarious. because I didnt.. .. have feelings about it?

like now, I watched a video about baby whales and I cried about it. I'm able to feel my emotions more? Im really glad to be on medication because I feel more like a real person. I've been genuinely happy too.. instead of weird fake happy. My brain still glitches out though, and I think I may need my dose raised but I'm not sure. all I know is whenever I'm feeling a strong emotion, I can cancel it out and return to blankface.. like I'm not there.

hm. maybe I'm just deluding myself. I cant trust what I say because I dont remember. I need to go back and look at my mood charts to keep track of things. but I remember my doctor saying that since I've been medicated all my moods have been basically normal.

I dont.. know if I understand what emotions are in conjunction with mania/depression.

oliveira wrote:Just to chime in on this: you don't always know you are manic. With my first hypomania I spoke to gods and they spoke back; I would look in the mirror and my face would transform into that of a god; I was his son, and I was receiving signs. And I knew it was all real. It didn't make me think for a second "wait, that's a bit odd". I just thought "wow, this is how religious people feel" (I used to be agnostic before that). I was getting a lot done as well, started a business, did some amazing design work, passed a language exam. Told someone that there was a folk song from the 9th century written about me. I believed this was real. I was actually very disappointed to find out it wasn't. :/

In comparison my hypos are boring.. :<

zrcalo wrote:sorry I'm a bit.. rambly.. here..

Is okay. At least I'm not only one anymore. Also, not a wizard. If I were, I'd stop this world to step out.

zrcalo wrote:hm. maybe I'm just deluding myself. I cant trust what I say because I dont remember. I need to go back and look at my mood charts to keep track of things. but I remember my doctor saying that since I've been medicated all my moods have been basically normal.

I dont.. know if I understand what emotions are in conjunction with mania/depression.

I know the feeling. After writing a reply to something I haven't dared to comment on before because I felt it hit too close to myself, I'll just wonder if I imagined everything, yet I can remember it happening. As for the last bit.. I have problems with social norm of emotical responses to certain things, to put it politically correctly. I can't feel any response from someone telling their/my relative has died, for example.

Like few weeks ago a classmate told her uncle had died from cancer when group of us were sitting&chatting around a table at coffee break. It got a round of "I'm so sorry" around the table. I just couldn't figure out what part of that I'm supposed to feel sorry for.. Cancer at young age? Bad luck. Death by cancer? Better than continuous suffering. Death in general? Inevidable fact of life. Losing someone you care about? Still inevidable; although that's about only part where I'll have emotional response. Still, same thing applies to family members.. Mom was so sad when she told me my step-sister's son had commited suicide. I was just "Oh? Okay." and continued whatever I was doing.

well, overall-- an apathetic response when a person wasnt close to you is rather normal. it's actually abnormal to burst out in tears crying over someone you never met. Like, I lose at least two people a year to suicide, but so far it's never been anyone I've been particularly close to. when we would gather around for a rememberance, most people didnt cry. everyone just would tell stories about them and leave flowers. It was almost like they didnt actually die. Then again, it might just be cultural. We all know we're going to die some day, so we're not fazed by it.

what really gets me is times where I *want* to be sad or I *should* be sad, I'm not. But then again, it might just be normal.

I cant really trust my brain because it'll lean anything to my advantage whether I'm aware of it or not. I'd much rather have friends describe to me how I acted and then sign the paper so I could show it to my therapist. because I know there would be no tampering on my side.

because the thing is, I can only tell my perspective of the story... not what other people are seeing.. and for me I'm like "I feel fine.. why are you guys worried?" or "HOLY $#%^ I AM NOT OKAY. GOTTA TALK TO THERAPIST" but I dont know which one is real and which one isnt because I need verifiable proof of things for me to believe something is real. ...

Like when the cat disappeared.. that was very very vivid. I asked my gf if she saw the cat and she didnt.

but the time I saw the little girl in the empty room standing in the corner? I had no witnesses to help me verify if it was there or not.. or even perhaps a shadow.

ehhhhh I just dont know.

I'm tempted to just stay on my current medication and dosage to see if I get depressed after I've been manic. Because my theory is ... I wasnt *depressed* as I was just extremely emotionally numb. but now I feel more emotions now.
but the thing is, I just need to monitor this. and I probably need something for anxiety as well.

There is also a chance the medication is correct but dosages aren't. And you can be reading your own moods incorrectly as I mentioned.

On my antidepressant my GP started me at 150 mg. It did nothing (well, it made me more suicidal). Then we raised it all the way to 300 mg and I achieved this odd zombie state when I felt nothing. It took 375 mg for me to actually improve, and since then I had to change dosages up and down (currently at 600 mg, max dosage) depending on a mood swing I was going through. Bipolar isn't easy. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you.

Lanka, in a way I wish I had your reaction to people dying. I am now going through my mother-in-law's dying process -- it's her last days, she should be gone within a week -- I cry, I get depressed, it triggered a very unpleasant mixed episode. My boyfriend, whose mother she actually is, seems much less emotional about it than me. I just can't handle those feelings, like trying to add water to a cup that's full already.

see, I dont know if I want to try different things.. as I'm feeling rather good now and getting tons of stuff done and making good money. I'm even thinking I'm able to handle a job now.
the only thing I'm thinking I need to try is an anti-anxiety thing.

I'm not depressed, and my mania isnt.. doing bad things? like.. I'm just happy and excited..

I can still drive my car, and I've been increasingly less afraid of it and more careful.

so I just.. I think trying to couple lamictal with an anti-anxiety would be the best. I've already been looking into various ones anyway.

there's an interesting combination with lamictal and clozapine in conjunction with treating schizophrenia and psychosis. so I want to try that combination to see how that effects my hallucinations.

like.. I know what I'm describing sounds really terrifying and crippling, but the fact of the matter is.. I havent been this good and productive for a long time. my memory's still $#%^ and sometimes I dont make any sense, but I'm able to complete all the tasks at hand, keep up with self care, and care for all my animals and my finances.

I've been able to produce one piece of artwork each day, most of the times high resolution, and I even got all my commissions completed! I finished each piece within 24hrs and my base price was greater than minimum wage. I'm also exploring new methodologies with oil brushes in sai.