where is my mind?

I have been going from doctors to doctors. My first diagnosis was depression. Then it became anxiety, back to depression. Eventually I was diagnosed borderline with mixed-bipolar, and the most recent was mixed-bipolar without the borderline. My medications have helped somewhat, but from time to time I still have my mania.

Anyway, I was in a rocky relationship we had a child together. I was unemployed and eventually lost my apartment. It had been a really rocky relationship for me. Then I lost the best thing to me, my dog, to death. I haven't been the same since.

I eventually married my girlfriend of almost three years. We are still living apart from one another until this new job helps me afford a life with her and my daughter. She also has two other girls. But for some reason, I'm not happy being married. I just want to get out and be single again. I miss the days when I was alone and I could just deal with my depression/mania alone. I don't like the fact I have made poor choices to where I feel I need to be married. In counseling I'm talking about how I don't want to be married. They point out that I love her, which I think I do (even though she lied about another guy in her life two months before we got married). So I am struggling with trust, love, and commitment. At times it feels like I might be borderline, since I hate the fact of being married and I hate her as much as I love her. But I am assured that it has a lot to do with my depression and commitment issues.

I am hoping someone can help me with my issues and give me advice one how to handle my decision making. Deep down I just want to get the marriage annulled and then be single again, while being a father on the weekends. I am just not happy. But then I panic thinking of her moving on without me. This has consumed my mind, wanting two things but can't have them both. I know there are issues related to bipolar, but my medications (seroquel, lithium, and lamictal) have made me lose passion for things. I get choked up during movies or songs, but when it's relating to my life, I'm numb.

I know this forum isn't about relationships, but my bipolar, the meds have played a role and my depression is extremely low. And I'm wondering if it's normal to feel this way while battling bipolar.

I don't know about you, but my view on relationships changes drastically as my mood changes. When I'm hypomanic, I want one. I'm desperate, and seductive because of it. (Luckily, my hypomania is short lived and mild, so I don't usually make bad choices, and my fear of sex prevents me from doing something with someone I shouldn't.) Depressed? I would love to die alone. Does this pertain to you at all? My psychologist tells me to find a time where I am as close to stable as possible, figure out what I want, write it down, and keep it handy for the other times. I know it's hard to know what you want, but I guess the goal is to figure it out while you're stable so it's a healthy thing.

On another note, do you think you would want to be married if you didn't "have" to be married? I don't know your beliefs, but I personally do not believe that two people have to be married to be good parents. You can live apart and maintain a good relationship with your daughter. Maybe taking the obligation out of the picture would help you enjoy the marriage and your child a little more. Or maybe taking the obligation out of it will help you move on from the marriage and be a good father at the same time.

Panicking at the thought of losing someone or something you love and/or are used to having around can be overwhelming. I have had people in my life that cause more harm than good, but some part of me loves them, and I am used to them being there. It's like a security blanket. So, the thought of losing them is painful. Try to decide if you are fearful of being alone, or if you are truly fearful of losing her. It's okay and understandable to be afraid of being alone, but ultimately, staying in a less than happy marriage because of it is probably not a good idea for either of you. If you truly love her, then you should absolutely fight for it and do what you can to make it work.

As for the meds, if you don't like the combination, it's worth asking your doctor if you can try something else. Personally, I found Seroquel to be numbing as well, but lithium and Lamictal have not had that effect on me. There are other options out there. Definitely ask your doctor to see what he or she can do.

Good luck and keep talking.

I too have relationship issues when my moods are out of whack. I even left a marriage due to it. I know a lot of people are against couples therapy, but to be honest in my 1:1 therapy, it's oftentimes a session about "teach me how I can deal with this issue" and me and my therapist come up with some skills that I can put in place to try to help me manage my own emotions, or my own difficulties within the context of my current relationship. I find that to be really helpful. When I'm doing well, my relationship does well. That's often something that I need to keep in mind, as hard as it is.