A few trips to A+E later...

Hi again all - both old and new people!

I know I wasn't on here for very long the first time but I still feel kind of guilty for disappearing for so long nevertheless, although you probably didn't notice I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride with a screw-up from my MH team meaning a 2 month follow up has become a 4 months later follow up appointment finally being booked in - 18th March. I'd only had one appointment with a psychiatrist in the first place back in November to start on some meds which funnily enough don't seem to be working out too great for me. It was all fine and dandy until I lost my hypomania and depression and anxiety began kicking in. The self harming started again, I couldn't function without Lorazepam in large quantities to keep me vaguely calm, and I've been in and out of hospital. Last night I took my first ever overdose. [mod edit] Today I'm kicking myself. Well I was kicking myself straight away and made myself vomit which I feel good about at least. The liquid charcoal I had to down at the hospital was revolting - I do not recommend following my actions in the slightest. The guilt of putting my fiance and my parents through so much sadness is the worst part though. My dad cried when my fiance rang him to tell him I'd ODed, and they all stayed with me throughout my hospital visit despite the fact they all look shattered emotionally and exhausted. I felt absolutely terrible for the hurt I caused them all, and continue to cause them in so many ways by being stuck with this horrid disorder.

Could you all tell me please - is there light at the end of the tunnel? It's taken forever to get a second appointment to alter my meds - I'm still waiting for it - and in the meantime my GP has tentatively tried to do the best for me but it's just been getting worse. Just getting up in the morning fills me with pure terror and I feel so useless, pathetic, with no energy for anything. At the moment my fiance is with me all the time except when he's at work when I get shipped off to my parents' house where they watch me like a hawk and talk to me in a way you can tell they're trying their best not to upset me lest I fall apart. I'm never alone because I can't cope with it at the moment, how silly is that? But I feel like such a dependant - such a burden on their lives which is why I wanted to kill myself. I realise now doing what I did made it worse for them all, so much worse, but what do you DO to get out of this? I can't work, I can't look after my dogs... Or I can just about but it fills me with dread and emotional pain every task I push myself through. All morning I try and smile and get through chores and conversation. By noon I am exhausted and curled up in the foetal position, crying and numb to the outside world.

Sorry to be such a downer today... Last time I was here I was mostly quite manic/hypomanic so you're probably seeing a rather different side to me today. Welcome to Bipolar, boys and girls...

Hi Bipolar Bear *hug*

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. It reminds me of... well, me.

In October 2012 I tried to kill myself. It was, as you can see, very unsuccessful. I was in the middle of a mixed episode and I couldn't see light in the tunnel. From the mixed episode I went into deep depression -- you described it pretty accurately. Putting on socks became a mammoth task.

16 months later my medication is adjusted pretty much fine. I function well. I am currently under a lot of stress -- family member dying in a hospital -- I find it hard to cope, I'm having sort of a very very mild rapid cycling episode, but I am nevertheless functioning. I get by; I get dressed; I work; I have a social life. Once this is over, life will go back to normal. It DOES get better.

Please remember this lesson from your OD and never do it again. Suicide is permanent. But so is unsuccessful suicide -- blindness, ruining your liver or stomach lining, permanently damaging your brain... all those can be caused by "unsuccessful" attempt to take our lives. I'm lucky -- just some scars under tattoos. Could have been worse. I never intend to do it again. Might not be so lucky next time.

Big big hug -- please post every now and then -- we care and remember.

oliveira wrote:Hi Bipolar Bear *hug*

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. It reminds me of... well, me.

In October 2012 I tried to kill myself. It was, as you can see, very unsuccessful. I was in the middle of a mixed episode and I couldn't see light in the tunnel. From the mixed episode I went into deep depression -- you described it pretty accurately. Putting on socks became a mammoth task.

16 months later my medication is adjusted pretty much fine. I function well. I am currently under a lot of stress -- family member dying in a hospital -- I find it hard to cope, I'm having sort of a very very mild rapid cycling episode, but I am nevertheless functioning. I get by; I get dressed; I work; I have a social life. Once this is over, life will go back to normal. It DOES get better.

Please remember this lesson from your OD and never do it again. Suicide is permanent. But so is unsuccessful suicide -- blindness, ruining your liver or stomach lining, permanently damaging your brain... all those can be caused by "unsuccessful" attempt to take our lives. I'm lucky -- just some scars under tattoos. Could have been worse. I never intend to do it again. Might not be so lucky next time.

Big big hug -- please post every now and then -- we care and remember.

I just wanted to say what a great post this is. Very wise words, Oliveira. I'm sorry to hear about your family member and I wish you all the best (to both of you!). Great post!

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through you and your family, Bear. I am glad you are alright after such an ordeal, the pain must've been awful from the liquid charcoal but at least you are alive. I will tell you a bit about myself and what happened to me. In 2008, my father had gotten into a motorcycle accident and was paralyzed and it was only me and my mother to take care of him. His family would not help. My Bipolar at the time was undiagnosed and unmedicated. Me and my mother were both felt rundown emotionally and physically. I also had a physical illness no one could treat which made it harder. I had wanted to give up. I decided, I'd kill myself in the hopes to get rid of the emotional and physical pain I was enduring and hoped my mother would follow behind me because she wanted it just as bad as I did. I attempted suicide after I found out I was going to be arrested for threats and harassments, I failed. I was diagnosed with Bipolar by a psychiatrist who saw me as an emergency appointment. He had diagnosed me the day I went. I was put on medication, and although I still have ups and downs I am working on right now it DOES get better. IT DOES GET BETTER! I have hope for you my friend! Keep strong!

Take care,
Jake

I know exactly how you feel, Bear. Right now I'm dealing with the same with the same thing with my own family. I feel like I'm dependent on them partly because I can't do what I want, partly because they tell me (sidenote: When my family tells me things about my behavior that I already know, telling me as if I don't, because "if you cared about us, you wouldn't act this way"... does that annoy you as much as it does me? Ha, I hope your family doesn't do that to you though.) I can't speak for that "light at the end of the tunnel", because in the five years since I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I'm still yet to find it myself. But many of the people I've met with this disorder tell me it exists, so I have to hold onto hope... and if I can still do that, I know you can.

I don't know what your family situation is like, but in the people I've seen recover, they all had a great family support system in place. Despite the fact that my family issues had been bringing me down for years (gotta love the genetics that gave me the crazy in the first place), after I was first diagnosed, I had expected to be the center of attention as I got better. No such luck. My family has all kinds of issues, and to be honest, I don't even know how they all think of me or what they expect of me. None of them acknowledge their obvious mental health issues as I do, leaving me to worry about them on top of myself... that's the hardest part.

Okay sorry, I kind of made that about myself there... haha sorry, I've just had a really bad night here. I just really hope you have a supportive family. Even if they can't have their eyes on you 24/7, if they are the type of family who understands this is a real sickness and not just a cry for attention, then THEY will be the key to your recovery. Trust me, I've seen it.

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:I know I wasn't on here for very long the first time but I still feel kind of guilty for disappearing for so long nevertheless, although you probably didn't notice

I don't know if it makes it better or worse to realize that even in the anonymous interwebs people will notice your absence and miss you.

Honestly I can't think anyone who'd notice my absence (other than some who'd be glad to get rid of my obnoxiousness), but I've had to drag few people back from their attempts to hide out from community for a reason or another. And I miss so many people I've never met but merely chatted with over the net. One day they'll just stop logging in and, puff, disappear into the netherly depths of social networks.

Weirdly enough that and dying pets hit me far harder than hearing of a family member's death.. :<

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:Welcome to Bipolar, boys and girls...

Oh, and: *Clingysqueezehug&headpat.* While my opinion of suicides isn't quite safe to write down (paper would catch fire, forums would melt.) Glad you aren't dead.