Bipolar or scitzoaffective? Either way this is too real...

I was first diagnosed bipolar in 2004. I have been hospitalized many times and somewhere along the way schizoaffective was added to the list. The first time I ever remember hearing a voice was in 2004 when God identified himself and said something...I couldn't remember what it was for years but I did remember I wrote it down. About 2 years ago I found this and his words were "You can stop this before it begins." Since then a lot has happened. In 2006 I experienced sensations of burning in hell and talking to Jesus about suffering for my sins. I remember months on end of burning sensations on my face ect. Fastforward four years and I am still hearing voices demons God dead people famous dead people. Daily. It sort of became part of my life like an additional social circle. Meanwhile I was in and out of school I did eventually graduate magna cum laude with a degree in Criminal Justice and a minor Psychology. I don't kow why I mention that...I guess it makes me feel a little more sane or something. Either way I was still out of it most of the time. I began having sexual tactile hallucinations. It got really bad, but I would discover not as bad as it could get. In 2012 I went on a religious retreat. The demonic torture stopped but I would encounter a new torture on a totally different level. This time it was God telling me what to do. I was so fearful ALL THE TIME. The constant commentary was endless. At one point, months into the Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God experience I was just so tired that I broke away from it and sold my soul for a nap, a moment of rest. Well immediately after that this Jesus character began listing off names and I would have to choose if these loved ones would be going to hell or not. I refused to participate aside from my fear reaction. So it became that it didn't matter whether I agreed or acknowledge this name. Everything I did was "don't so it or else". Currently I am under the impression that 765,726,976,397,638,783,7687,368,776 plus people are burning in hell for all eternity do to the amount of cigarettes I smoke. At one point "God" had my family in a torture pit and every thought I had like them being eaten by sharks became a visual reality in my mind. I guess I'm writing because all of these experiences are now so engrained in my daily life and thinking that I find it difficult to accept that this is a mental illness. Suggestions? Insight? Shared experiences? Help!

Hi Hell_o_no.

I'm sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time since being diagnosed Bipolar ten years ago. Finishing your university education is a major accomplishment. Be proud of yourself for that.

I'm sad too to hear that God, Hell and eternal damnation is such a disturbing part of your experience. I believe in a God of Love and Forgiveness who wants a good or positive relationship with us. It doesn't sound like you have any of this.

You don't mention if you are currently under the care of a psychiatrist or taking medication for the mind games you are experiencing. I suggest you do your best to get a psychiatrist, if you don't have one already. It will take a psychiatrist seeing you regularly to ease your pain.

I hope my reply is helpful.
Take care,