Convincing arguments

I am making some pretty convincing arguments to myself about why I should cease to exist. It will not get better because it cannot. I cannot fix myself, the people around me or the situations I am in. I have helped to create this mess and it is destroying me. It is unable to be fix, it may appear to get better but it will only be an illusion. I am dysfunctional as a human being. Every attempt I have made has ended in failure. My tank is empty, I have nothing else to give. It will not get better it will never be ok.

Wretched1,This is about the darkest and most hopeless note I have read on the forum.

I am concerned for you and your safety.
Do you have a roommate or family that can be there for you?
Do you have a doctor or psychiatrist that you can see?
Do you know where there is a hospital emergency ward that can assess you and admit you to hospital if necessary. A stay in hospital keeps you almost 100% safe and removes all the stresses of living in society. It is a phenomenal break from the routine. It is best if you admit yourself, but you can be sectioned (admitted involuntarily) if they think you are a risk to yourself or others.

Now I'm going to tell you an Olympic story. Canada won the gold metal in women's hockey in 2010 in Whistler/Vancouver, beating their arch rival, the Americans. Between 2010 and 2014 they played each other 8 or 9 times, and the USA beat Canada every time. Fast forward to the 2014 women's hockey gold metal game yesterday. Once again, Canada vs the US. The US dominated, scoring two unanswered goals. With the score 2-0 and only 4 minutes left in regulation time, it looked like a win for the US. But Canada scored twice, in the last 4 minutes taking the game into sudden death overtime. Then Canada scored again, capturing the gold medal from the jaws of defeat.

I tell you the story because every woman on that team believed in herself and gave 100%, even in the face of sure defeat. They trusted each other and supported each other. They wouldn't give up. I like stories like this because they inspire me. If the truth were told, I'd be a quitter. But stories like this come along that say, "Never give up." I'm a couch potato, but I challenge myself to backpacking trips, Canoe trips and bicycle trips that stretch me. I feel so good to be alive when I finish what I set out to do. You can too.

At one stage I had to give myself little objectives like: I will do the dishes today, or I will have a shower, get dressed and go downstairs today. That was about as much as I could achieve at that moment.

Never give up. Never give up, Never give up.
Wretched 1, Never give up.

wretched1 wrote:I am making some pretty convincing arguments to myself about why I should cease to exist. It will not get better because it cannot. I cannot fix myself, the people around me or the situations I am in. I have helped to create this mess and it is destroying me. It is unable to be fix, it may appear to get better but it will only be an illusion. I am dysfunctional as a human being. Every attempt I have made has ended in failure. My tank is empty, I have nothing else to give. It will not get better it will never be ok.

Hugs Wretched

This sounds a really tough place to be in. I have felt similar to this in the past and also acted on it. I know it seems like it is not true but honestly things can get better - esp if you take baby steps. I really think it is worth talking to a Dr about how you are feeling and also if you are unsafe please go to the ER/A&E. Keep talking here and let us support you. Things will improve even if it seems hopeless atm

More hugs

Cracked

I agree with skilsaw and Cracked, wretched (I so wish you had a nicer nickname -- nicer to yourself).

I tried to kill myself in October 2012. I failed, as you can see. At that time I felt like you do now. I thought this is it. It will never get better. I am doomed, I'm losing my house, I'm going to lose my partner, nobody will support me. The depressed brain sees everything in black and white -- mostly in black. It's 16 months later now. I am very much alive -- not just surviving -- LIVING. I'm still poor but my house is safe, I live in it, started repaying my debts. I'm doing well. I never expected this would happen. But never is a very long time. Don't give up.

Big, big hugs. Please stay safe. Post here or PM us.

I appreciate your concern and thank you for sharing personal experiences and stories to encourage me. I know my life is not as bad as it could be and things could get worse. I don't think that I am special. In fact I just went out on an errand and as I saw other people I wondered why they were still alive. Surely there is little positive in their lives. Everything and everyone is ugly to me now. As you can tell I did not do anything rash last night. Something is still causing me to hold on, but it is slipping...I am losing my grip. I hate to speak my mind here but I have NO ONE with whom I can be so candid. I can not go to the hospital because it would make things worse. I will continue this struggle for now but I am afraid that some night I will not turn towards home.

Hi wretched1.
Being able to call a Crisis Line 24 hours a day may be helpful for you. You can find them in the front of the phone book just below the emergency numbers. Or you might find one on the internet.

I am concerned for your safety.
I will be upset if I don't see a message from you every day or two.

Stay strong, and hold on to us if that is all you have right now.
But i do wish you would seek help.

Take care,

I called a suicide hotline once last year and it was awful. It was so awful though that it cheered me up. It was laughable. I know they are volunteers and backgrounds and training vary so I don't want to disaude anyone else from calling. My experience was so cold and uncaring I appreciated the irony of it all.

Thank you all for caring. I am such a mess though.

Sending hugs....