Flashbacks and Deja Vus.

I am 19 and I have a younger brother who is 11 and we get along pretty well now, but when I was in my early to late teens I was always irritated. I used to get into fights with my brother because of stupid things, we would sometimes fist fight, but even though now we have a better relationship I feel really guilty and ashamed for what happened. I keep getting flashbacks to when my brother was younger and we would fight and it is really eating me up, I constantly think of myself as a mean person. I talked to my brother and I apologized and told him that I love him very much and said he forgave me, but I still feel guilt and shame. I feel like I missed a lot of things because of my illness and I can't seem to be able to move on. A lot of times I wish I could go back in time and change the way I was, but I know that is not possible. What should I do in order to move on?

I have similar experiences, as I was absolutely horrid to my younger sister during my childhood/teen years. For me, the guilt was compounded when she passed away when I was 18 due to cancer. The things that I have found helpful are journaling, and then talking about things in therapy to help myself understand and re-work how I perceive/think about the events that happened.

Did you have/consider psychotherapy? I have to say that first time my therapist alluded to my mother and father I rolled my eyes and thought "there we go, they ALWAYS think it's mother and father" only to discover he was completely correct. I used to feel terrible about myself in many ways, among them -- how my relationships with my brothers were. Nowadays my brothers and me have great relationships and therapy (and growing up) helped a lot in that.

Hi. When I was around eight or nine years old or so I remember I used to pick a lot of fights when I was in one of my moods when my symptoms started becoming more prevalent. In my opinion, I don't you have anything to feel bad about being that you were both a lot younger then, but you can move forward from this. I'm sure he is mature enough to be able to understand that it wasn't you, but the Bipolar that made it more difficult on your relationship at the time.

I was increasingly horrible to my wife and kids until I was asked to leave. We divorced 14 years ago and my wife still won't have anything to do with me. My boys are another story. I really only saw them a couple times a year but I would take them on a ski holiday in the winter and a bicycle tour or backpacking trip in the summer.

I now have breakfast every Saturday with one son, and have taken him on a canoe trip. We just got back from a couple days skiing together. I see my other son about once a month and travel to triathlons with him to watch him compete. He has finished in the top ten and we always think, "Is this the time he will be on the podium?"

What I'm trying to say is that if two people want to rebuild a trusting relationship, they can.
Like the others have said, psychotherapy or counselling with a psychologist may help you forgive yourself. You have to look forward to what is ahead and now that your brother has forgiven you, not dwell on what is past.

Take care,

Thanks for your opinion guys

In my case it was different, I was the younger sister and my brother, who as far as I know doesn't have any mental illnesses (I got all the illnesses in my family ha ha!) used to be very mean to me especially when he was on his teens, late teens. When we were little we used to have pshysical fights, but when he was older he called me names, treated me as though I was stupid, like the most stupid person around, like he owned everything... Once he didn't talk to me for eight months because of an accident when I was cleaning the house, he fell and hit his hands and couldn't play the piano for a while, and he blamed that on me as though I had done it on purpose and he was convinced I did it on purpose and there was no way I could've done that. On that period I had my Confirmation ceremony and not even then he looked at me or talked to me. I was really hurt and suffered everyday because of his attitude, and at that age, I was 16, I remember I was depressed and was going though a lot like when you do when you're a teenager. However, later, I don't remember when, things started to change, I think my brother finally grew up and realized how important it was to have a sister and trying to protect her and since our twenties or more (I'm 33 and he's 35) our relationship got a lot better and now we get along really well, we party together and joke around, and now we have a great and loving relationship. Of course I forgave him for being so mean and now we even laugh about this situation.

So my point is that your younger brother probably forgave you, and if you have a good relationship now he won't care about the past. I forgave my brother and everything's all right, so there's hope.

I can relate to that, but from you brother's point of view - I'm 5 years younger than my brother, and for a few years our relationship was hell!

It started when I was about 10. Before that we got along really well, he was very protective, played a lot with me, etc. I don't know why that changed, but when I was about 10 he started being really mean to me. I don't really remember many details, but I remember he made me feel awful. I know I probably wasn't very nice to him either, but at the time I was too focused on myself and couldn't see that. For me, it was all his fault.

Things started improving when I moved away to go to college and have been improving ever since (I'm now 27). We never really talked about it, I guess we just moved on. Both of us! I don't hold any grudges and I don't think he does either. We were both kids, we both acted like idiots, but that's all in the past.

You made mistakes, we all do. You recognized yours and apologized to your brother. If he is moving on, you should too. I know it's easier said than done! But speaking as the younger sister, I hope my brother doesn't dwell on what happened in the past. We have a good relationship now. That's what really matters. I wouldn't like it if he felt guilty, and your brother probably wouldn't like to know this is causing you this much grief.

On a side note, it's curious to see how so many people had difficult relationships with their siblings!

invicta wrote:On a side note, it's curious to see how so many people had difficult relationships with their siblings!

I don't think this is particularly bipolar though. I am yet to meet someone who didn't have a difficult relationship with their siblings, especially with age difference. But then, my brother has twins. Obviously no age difference. Boy do they love beating each other up, biting and stealing toys.

oliveira wrote:I don't think this is particularly bipolar though. I am yet to meet someone who didn't have a difficult relationship with their siblings, especially with age difference. But then, my brother has twins. Obviously no age difference. Boy do they love beating each other up, biting and stealing toys.

Oh yes, I agree completely! Most people I know follow a similar pattern: get along great while they're kids, hard times when they're teenagers, and a good relationship when both enter adulthood. There are exceptions, of course, but this seems to be really common, especially when they're a few years apart. It seems that when the age difference is big things are different, though.

I'm pretty happy with the relationship I have with my brother now, more so since he had a daughter.