In a bad place...

I am going through a very difficult time right now. I have a lot thoughts and feelings that I cannot express. I want very badly to hurt myself but I promised a loved one that I wouldn't. Right now I just want to cut to distract myself and watch myself bleed, but I am fighting the urge. I have also been having frequent suicidal thoughts and ideation. I will not be killing myself, I am safe, but I feel worthless, and I feel that my life really has no meaning. I cannot express my feelings and I internalize, the pressure is becoming near impossible to bear. I can't handle these emotions and I have no one to talk to. So, I am releasing some of that here. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, wretched! That's one of the reasons the forum exists, so that people have a safe place to vent their feelings, to express things that are otherwise impossible to share. Don't ever be sorry for doing that, please.

I know how much it upsets me when I can't express everything that's inside me. Do you think music or poetry or something like that could help you? I sometimes rely on music for that. There are a few songs that speak to my state of mind and put in words what I can't. I know a lot of people read poetry for that reason. Just be careful that it doesn't put you in a worse mood!

Please don't hurt yourself! You know it's not worth it, you know it's only a very temporary relief from the pain, one that will come back to haunt you. Please fight that urge, try and distract yourself. Maybe watching a light movie? Anything to keep your mind occupied with other stuff. If you find it in you, getting out of the house sometimes help. I can never do that, takes too much energy.

The loved one you mention. Is it someone you can contact right now? Even though you are safe, you're clearly not in a good state right now. Sometimes having someone with you can help, just for the company and human contact.

Stay strong, this will pass! I don't know how long it will take, but it will go away, you just have to hang in there.

Big hugs!

wretched1 wrote:I am going through a very difficult time right now. I have a lot thoughts and feelings that I cannot express. I want very badly to hurt myself but I promised a loved one that I wouldn't. Right now I just want to cut to distract myself and watch myself bleed, but I am fighting the urge. I have also been having frequent suicidal thoughts and ideation. I will not be killing myself, I am safe, but I feel worthless, and I feel that my life really has no meaning. I cannot express my feelings and I internalize, the pressure is becoming near impossible to bear. I can't handle these emotions and I have no one to talk to. So, I am releasing some of that here. I'm sorry.

Hi there,
Is your throat all choked up and half paralysed? I know when I feel like this that the pressure and feelings really get stuck there - I can barely speak to anyone. Writing helps get things out a bit in these circumstances so glad you are with us here, even a few sentences to get it out helps. Release away in your words- if it helps you.

wretched, I am so sorry you feel this way. When I was at my worst, this book proved very helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Stayed-Alive-When ... 0060936215 -- it's a bit new-agey but if you can take it, it contains a lot of helpful techniques to deal with those thoughts and urges. If nothing else, maybe at least it proves a good distraction and lets you feel there are more people who felt like you do now.

Big hugs and I hope you get out of the bad place and SOON.