I'm about to lose it, again

There's very few things that were able to make my heart ache so much throughout my life, and today an other one appears.

My head is spinning, I feel an uncontrollable urge to smash and punch things, I really don't know what to do, I really don't, this time for sure, I can't think of anything.

Today my "girlfriend", I consider her much more than that, sent me a message that something happened and she needs to see me. I immediately show up and she gives me the news. "I went to the doctor today and apparently I'm pregnant, haha" (I'm 21 and she's 18) we've known each other for about a year but our relationship is a little more than a month old. She inspired me to do many things, I've become a better person thanks to her, she gave me motivation to move on after a very dark period of my life, a time when I was constantly feeling like this. The most simple way to put it is, she means the world to me, and she feels the same, we both had similar experiences.

She said she needs to wait for the end of the month for her next period to be able to confirm this, then she'd proceed with an abortion intervention. I'm literally terrified. My biggest fear is that she might hate me for the rest of her life for this, and that all I've built thanks to her will break apart in the blink of an eye. She hugged me, she cried for a few seconds and she took her distance. She said she'd go somewhere away for some time. All I could do is agree with her since there's nothing I could really do other than being close to her, which she doesn't feel like allowing for now. So now here I am again, hand in hand, filled with rage and sadness looking in empty space. I don't know how to let all this out, I doubt I'd feel better though.

I don't want to end up saying "It was too good to be true", I really don't, I'd give up an arm not to. If I lose this, her, basically I lose everything, every motivation, every reason to go on.

I don't want this. I'm almost sure I'd go crazy, literally, I'd lose myself.

Listen, you are not going to lose it. You are not going to lose it. You are going to be just fine. Your girlfriend is a very strong person, but she is facing a dreadful time at the moment. Understand that she needs you to keep things together now.
I know it hurts, and there will be some time, some pain, because there is some grief to process. But in time, wounds will heal.

I could agree, but she will be scarred for life because of this, and so will I. There's nothing more I'd want right now other than go through this with her, together, but there's so much pressure cause by guilt, I look in the mirror and I just feel disgusted by myself. Why does every beautiful thing has to end, it was going so well, why the hell did this have to happen, I'm so stupid

This sounds like a huge shock for you both and a lot to deal with and adjust to. I think that being there for your girlfriend is really important here as well as both of you talking about your feelings about the whole thing. I understand it is really traumatic and difficult but hoepfully with mutual support and honesty you guys will get through this

Hugs

Cracked

I have had some major dreadful things happen in my life which I cannot even describe. Originally, like a stupid male I tried to deal with these events stoically, with no drama and passion. Needless to say that was a terribly mistake and was partly causative I believe to my first diagnosis of MI. The point I am making is that it is perfectly normal under these circumstances to feel the full range of human emotions emerging from a major event. The hard lesson I learned is that all of these things are much easier to deal with if you work together. So you need you be as supportive of your girlfriend right now, whilst respecting of her boundaries, as you can be and you need to be thinking clearly to help her.

Today I woke up really late, had to tell my boss what happened too since I skipped job today, I couldn't fall asleep at all in my own bed, where this happened basically. I went to the school waiting for a friend with which I talked about this and calmed me down a bit. I also met her there, when everyone was going home. She passed by me and said hi with a smile, not sure if it was fake, probably. I replied the same and she went home. Last night we talked again over the phone, she doesn't know yet how to deal with this, neither do I honestly, you can't be prepared for something like this. I also told her the same thing you guys suggested, that it would be too painful if we'd deal with this on our own, because I wouldn't be able to stay away from her for too long under normal circumstances, let alone the situation we're in right now. She just replied that she's afraid. I talked and talked, which seemed to calm her down at least. I don't know when we'll talk again though

Right now I'm trying to do any "brain-killing" things I can, just to stop thinking, videogames, tv, the gym, beer or wine, anything. I don't think I've ever smoked so many cigarettes in a day. It's funny how sunny days ca be such bad days

I think you are right in that you cant be prepared for how to handle a situation like this. I think that it is important to focus on being there for each other and keeping talking and being honest with each other about how you are doing. Also you need to keep an eye on your moods incase the stress triggers some instabililty.

Hugs

Cracked