Coming to terms with Bipolar Disorder

Hi everyone, I chanced by this forum when I was reading up on Bipolar Disorder. I'm Ace, 25, and new to this forum. I am here because I feel that I am finally ready to seek help for my condition. I am still contemplating professional help, because that would mean I have to shell out extra time and money to do so.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the hospital after I was hospitalized for attempted suicide in 2009. The doctors wanted to send me to a mental institution, but I refused at that time. I did not understand how that would help me. I could not remember when the onset of Bipolar was either. It would be roughly when I was 15 or so.

I carried on with my life, and went through many manic and depression phases. Still, I did not get help. Most of the time, I just "deal" with the mood changes. I kept holding on to the control that I could muster. I turned to alcohol for help when I have depression phases, but that stopped helping anymore after a while. Sleeplessness becomes a very common syndrome, but I managed to survive it. Sometimes, I don't feel tired at all even with as little as a total of 10 hours of sleep in a week.

Manic phases are so much easier to control. I would generally categorize the manic phases to be my "usual" self. I can respond to any topic a stranger or friend throws at me, and conversations are always interesting. The only thing that I have to consciously keep myself aware of, is to let others talk. I think I have been able to do that better now. People who does not know that I have Bipolar told me that I am too arrogant and that I do not listen to what others have to say. I have always thought that this is my fault, and I worked hard to change this behavior. Although I must admit that it still happens when I get really excited into a conversation. Accomplishing tasks and assignments during manic phases are easy, when I feel I have a lot of energy and "brain-power". I would laugh at dull jokes that would not have been funny to others. Doing things on impulse that makes everyone around me happy is also a trademark of mine among my friends.

Depression phases are the worst. I would think about taking my own life over and over again. Panic attacks set in sometimes the moment I wake up. Sleeplessness is considered more severe. I could not sleep properly. I would feel tired a lot, and falling asleep is very difficult. Even when I could sleep, I would wake up suddenly in the middle of the night. It is a very frustrating problem. I want to go back to sleep, but nothing I do would help me fall asleep again. Recently, the depression phases are getting worse. I would find myself wondering about death and ways to go about it. And then, I would snap out of it because I know suicide is never going to be a solution. People around me matters, but at the same time, I feel that they will be better off without me. I would feel down all the time. Nothing cheers me up, and the unhappy things seem to have a deeper impact on me. I would prefer to be alone during these times, and not to talk at all. Social interactions are at a minimal, and I would find myself just listening and go into a daze sometimes.

It does not help that almost everyone around me does not understand what I have been dealing with all these years. Also, I did not think that anyone could help me. I did not want to affect them and let them worry about me as well. I do not like to feel that people are just there to sympathize with me.

I am writing this today to seek for as much help as I can. I would really appreciate it if anyone can comment on this, and help me gather more information on how I can help myself. Of course, I would love to share more experiences with anyone, and try to help out as much as I can.

Hey, Ace!

First of all, welcome to the forum! I'm a newbie here, but, I think joining this forum has been one of the best steps. Every-time I feel conflicted about my decisions or anything related to bipolar in general, I talk about them here. Without being hesitant about anything. And, I always get a new-found strength and support from here.

A little bit of background - I'm 22, a college student, and was recently diagnosed with Bipolar. I can't give you much advice or tips in general because I, too, was facing the same to-take-medicine-or-not dilemma, recently. I'm currently seeing a doctor and we're working on getting my sleep fixed first. He wants to put me on mood stabilizers, though.

AceXII wrote:People who does not know that I have Bipolar told me that I am too arrogant and that I do not listen to what others have to say. I have always thought that this is my fault, and I worked hard to change this behavior. Although I must admit that it still happens when I get really excited into a conversation. Accomplishing tasks and assignments during manic phases are easy, when I feel I have a lot of energy and "brain-power". I would laugh at dull jokes that would not have been funny to others. Doing things on impulse that makes everyone around me happy is also a trademark of mine among my friends.

This was exactly me until a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm still that person.
But, a lot of damage was done by blaming myself for everything. I can say only one thing - Please, please, be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up every single time. You're an amazing person. That's all there to know.

I am writing this today to seek for as much help as I can. I would really appreciate it if anyone can comment on this, and help me gather more information on how I can help myself. Of course, I would love to share more experiences with anyone, and try to help out as much as I can.

I'm so glad that you've finally decided to get help. After the diagnosis, I cried for hours before going back to my senses and deciding to actually do something about it. I'm sorry, I couldn't give you much information regarding medication, but, please note that I identify with your post to a great extent. There's so much of me in there. Keep us updated!

I really hope things get better for you!

thanks, zetamext123! I am so grateful for your reply.

I'm really not a forum person except for a couple of tech forums that I browse through and help out when I can. So please forgive me if I don't update regularly or use the functions incorrectly.

In my case, it did not hit me that hard when I was diagnosed, probably because I was in a very bad place (after attempting suicide and dealing with the police, counselors and doctors asking me questions when I did not even want to talk about anything. I was sort of in a daze.)

I believe the onset was when I was 15, when I felt that I could have done better in a lot of departments such as studies and sports. Not to be boastful, but I was an above average teenager. Maybe it was just that I have very high expectations of myself. Back then, I did not think too much into it. Until recently, when I realized how BP has affected me and the people around me.

I lost control totally in 2009 when the depression phase hit me hard, especially with a couple of personal and family matters were ongoing at the same time. I remember during that period, I could feel close to minimal physical pain. Everything I felt was emotional pain, and it got so difficult to bear I started to cut and burn myself, and punch trees and walls til my hands were swollen. Eventually, I sat outside the window (I was staying at the 10th storey at that time), dazed and overdosed with drugs and alcohol. The last thing I could remember was that I was pulled in by my mother and my then-girlfriend, before I woke up in the hospital. The marks and scars, are now permanent, but act as reminders that I should always be in control of myself.

Over the years since then, I have always keep myself very conscious of what is happening. Although I do not usually realize the switch in phases (it can be sudden), but I often managed to keep myself out of trouble. I have to admit that I turned to alcohol for help sometimes, but after a while, it does not work as effectively as the beginning. Fortunately for me, illegal drugs are almost impossible to get in my country.

It is the recent depressive phases that shook some sense into me, and accepting that I am living with BP is not a curse. Therefore, I am now taking steps to help myself, and others if possible, before turning to professional help and medications.

I am sharing this outside my circle of close friends for the first time since the incident. I sincerely hope that no one else has to go through this. I understand how it feels to have suicidal thoughts from time to time. That is what I am going through. Especially now, more frequently than the past few years. However, bear in mind, control of yourself is the last thing that you can depend on. Of course, if you are under professional help and mood stabilizers to help you get through the phases, please accept the help with an open heart and be ready to fight.

Zetamext123, and all others BP soldiers, I hope we can all be strong through tough times, and not be afraid to ask for help when needed. We all know it is easier said than done, but what we do know is that even when we are down, people we care about and who care about us are always around. They need us, like how we need them.

Cheers.

AceXII wrote:I believe the onset was when I was 15, when I felt that I could have done better in a lot of departments such as studies and sports. Not to be boastful, but I was an above average teenager. Maybe it was just that I have very high expectations of myself. Back then, I did not think too much into it. Until recently, when I realized how BP has affected me and the people around me.

I think I understand what you mean. But, it's not wrong to have high expectations, is it?

When I was told about Bipolar, I got scared and the first thing that came to my mind was, "I can't excel at things anymore." I want to do a lot of things in my life.. explore the world, experience different cultures, challenge myself as much as possible. And, I thought it was all over. I was kind of devastated. I knew that my depressive episodes were getting worse with time, and I hadn't realized the full impact of it (on my studies and the people around me) until my last depressive episode. Reasoning and thinking through things, after I had calmed down a bit, made me understand that thinking bipolar as my weakness is only going to put restrictions/constraints on my abilities. The most important thing, though, is to avoid the negative effects of bipolar. Or whatever it is.

I lost control totally in 2009 when the depression phase hit me hard, especially with a couple of personal and family matters were ongoing at the same time. I remember during that period, I could feel close to minimal physical pain. Everything I felt was emotional pain, and it got so difficult to bear I started to cut and burn myself, and punch trees and walls til my hands were swollen. Eventually, I sat outside the window (I was staying at the 10th storey at that time), dazed and overdosed with drugs and alcohol. The last thing I could remember was that I was pulled in by my mother and my then-girlfriend, before I woke up in the hospital. The marks and scars, are now permanent, but act as reminders that I should always be in control of myself.

Wow. You've gone through a lot. It must have been really... tough. I've no words, actually. I'm sorry.

Over the years since then, I have always keep myself very conscious of what is happening. Although I do not usually realize the switch in phases (it can be sudden), but I often managed to keep myself out of trouble.

Good for you! Can you elaborate a little more on how does the switch in phases happen? How does it feel like?

I've managed to avoid troubles. But, emotions are a different story altogether. I've tried to keep my emotions in check. But, it only pushes me to edge. The more I try to be in control, the more damage it does to my sanity.

However, bear in mind, control of yourself is the last thing that you can depend on. Of course, if you are under professional help and mood stabilizers to help you get through the phases, please accept the help with an open heart and be ready to fight.

Those were some wise words! Thanks!

I hope we can all be strong through tough times, and not be afraid to ask for help when needed. We all know it is easier said than done, but what we do know is that even when we are down, people we care about and who care about us are always around. They need us, like how we need them.

I've to repeat that to myself a lot. I've come to accept it with time that it's okay to ask for help, sometimes. You're right, ".. even when we are down, people we care about and who care about us are always around. They need us, like how we need them." I owe my life to some people. To people who carefully held me while I was broken.

Hello!
Welcome to the forum. You write very well and your story is easy to follow. Your story is also very familiar. I think you will find a lot of people here who have similar experiences. We are all at different places along the 'journey' of life with a mental illness.

I remember there was a period of a year and a half before i sought help for my bipolar, which at that time did not think was bipolar disorder, because I thought that during manic episodes people were always euphoric, so I didn't think further on the subject, since I had never been euphoric. There were a great deal of losses during that time - career, friends, money, and my brain function. While my first hospitalisation was terrifying, the treatment and follow up allowed me to get my life on track.

Medication has been both a godsend and a nightmare. At the moment I am struggling to get the right combination of medication that does not cause side effects. I seem to be very sensitive to antipsychotics, unusual for someone my age, and that seems to be what the doctors want to prescribe. Lithium is better but also a concern. The next option is the anti-epileptics, which I don't want to start on in case my husband and I want to try for a baby. Medications can be risky in pregnancy. But without the medications my episodes would continue and my brain would become progressively fuzzy.

Support is very important. I have removed people from my life who are stressful and I have a good family network of support and a few good friends.

Therapy is also really helpful. There are techniques you can learn to manage your illness. You can find a therapist to help work through any past issues which might be a trigger for you. Therapy will not cure the bipolar disorder but make it bearable. This is what I have done:
-cognitive behaviour therapy
-mindfulness
-interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (the best)
-acceptance and commitment therapy
-trauma therapy
-working out the early warning signs of relapse.

During mania a person can become grandiose, excessively confident, which might be confused with arrogance. But you do not seem arrogant to me.

Hi Ace,

Nice to meet you and glad you found us. I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through, though as you'll hear plenty, it's not too uncommon. I dealt with manias and depression for roughly 6 years before seeking help. I knew deep down at times that I needed help but that stubborn part of me just couldn't let go. As if each time I got those down feelings something was going to be different. I always did overcome them eventually, but at what cost? Why did I insist on roughing it out each time? But I digress. This past fall I realized that there really weren't any reasons behind my depression, and I was beginning to have really rapid and unexplainable mood swings. I felt as though there was nothing I could target and work through myself so I scheduled an appointment with an old therapist, who then hospitalized me where I got a psychiatrist and blah blah blah. It's not always the easiest decision but it's the best decision for you. Hope everything works out for you!

Hi all, thanks for the replies! I apologize for the slow reply here as I had a long day with work and classes.

@zetamext123 - I do not usually know when the switches happen, but I do notice it when I am in mania or depression. I understand that some of the switches are triggered by events happening around me, while most switches just sort of happened. Depressive phases are easier to notice, because that's when I realize that nothing interests me or when I have to force a smile in front of people around me to show that I am okay.

You are right about the emotions. They tend to push you to the edge, and sometimes it feels like you just want to let go and get rid of them all at once. I do not know if you can do the same, but what I do is that I let them come at me and fight them at the same time. It is times like that you know you are aware of yourself and the surroundings. I think constant conscious efforts are necessary to keep your sanity. Losing control is the worst. Some close friends I told about what happened to me were skeptical thought that I was supposed to know what I was doing and that attempting suicide was a choice. I could only tell them how I was feeling at that time, and that I was all but out of control of my emotions and ultimately my actions. Many people would not be able to understand that feeling, but I am convinced that those who went through the phases and the lows felt similar things.

I believe that sooner than not, you will be able to reign in the flooding emotions, and accept that they are there because we are only humans. Be strong!

@bipolarbirdie - Similarly, I, too, did not experience any euphoria during the manic episodes. It is probably that it was much easier to cope with the mania, when my brain can just work wonderfully well and fast. It feels like everything just comes to me at a moment's notice. However, I do become grandiose, and very confident of myself and what I am capable of accomplishing. Thank you, for saying that I do not seem arrogant. I believe that will always be down to an individual's opinion of me. I believe I am confident, but I never meant to be arrogant.

Thanks, for all the tips and suggestions! I am actively looking for support now, especially from a few my close friends. I am so grateful that I found this forum as well, with so many people who are going through similar things and helping each other out. I am still considering therapies and drugs. I am just afraid that my busy schedule is going to get in the way of that or the other way round (I am running a family business with no other employees and also taking a double degree course at the same time).

At least, now I know what my options are when I do not have the strength to manage my condition anymore.

@MikeHooty - Thank you. I feel a sense of relief when I found out that what I have been through is not a somewhat isolated case. I think I have only accepted that I needed help with my condition recently, that is why I started this topic with the subject "coming to terms". I was also stubborn and I did not want people around me to worry about me all the time, especially my parents and close friends. Now, I feel better talking about it with my close friends and asking them to keep an open mind about my condition. Fortunately, they have been supportive, although they still voice their concerns and worries. I just have to assure and show them that I can handle it, and that I must deal with it.

Yes, I do agree that many switches in phases are unpredictable. With exceptions to some that are triggered by events that are happening around me. In fact, it is the bad experiences that gets me deeper into depression or "forced" the sudden switch from mania to depression. Other than that, personally, the phases switched as and when, and I have to deal with them accordingly.



I hope everyone can still enjoy life's little moments and be the best we can. I would like to believe that BP is not something that makes us less than normal.

Yea I can relate with you on that last part. During my mania or hypomania nothing can bring me down. Other times small things will flip me into severe depression. One time I got an A- on my orgo exam and I didn't leave my bed for three days. And I got an A in the course so it wasn't even warranted. Although sometimes really bad things will trigger mania for some reason. When my grandma died I almost immediately became psychotically manic.