Depression and guilt.

I'm in such a low point right now I cant even face going back to work, I had a breakdown on monday, got signed off for a whole week and now work are expecting me back tomorrow, (they have no idea of my condition) but I really dont feel ready.. I need to see the doctor again. Its like the guilt of not providing and the fear of what work will think is the only thing motivating me to go, but I'm afraid I'm going to explode if I go back

anyone else struggle with this or have any helpful advice?

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. To be honest when I last had this sort of spell I ended up unable to work for a few months and having to reintroduce myself to my job slowly bit-by-bit under medical supervision. No idea if your depression is burnout related -- mine was. But at some point "what will work think" becomes secondary to your health and your life. If you are in a hospital you aren't providing either.

Here in the Netherlands you can't be either fired for being ill or forced to reveal the nature of your illness. You do have, though, to go through examination with company doctor if your illness lasts too long and it is definitely a good idea to discuss the nature of the problem with the HR department. When I became depressed long-term I went straight to HR, and they served as intermediary between me and my boss keeping me away from triggers as much as possible.

Big hugs and I hope that your employer is going to act reasonable and understanding.

Dansfrivolity wrote:Its like the guilt of not providing and the fear of what work will think is the only thing motivating me to go, but I'm afraid I'm going to explode if I go back

Sorry to hear that you are so depressed you can't cope with work. Don't beat yourself over it and feel guilty. Depression is an illness. You get time off if you have any other illness. Why not depression.

The guilt of not providing is much the same. You have an illness. However, if you are in a two income family, or are the only one working, then there will have to be adjustments. The governments in most big countries have "Social Services" ministries who provide short term and long term assistance to people like you. Having to find your way through the beaurocracy is tough.

Do what you need to do on Monday.
I'll be thinking of you, and I know others on the forum hope the best for you.

Take care,

I've been there many times. I think that sometimes my stressful or crummy jobs are what pushed me over the edge again and again. I took many disabilities and leaves of absence for mental health issues; less than ideal but when you are feeling badly, sometimes that is all you can do. If you can do an abbreviated work day or week, try that. Anything to lessen the stress and demands. If it becomes too much, see your doctor. Best.

Dansfrivolity wrote:I'm in such a low point right now I cant even face going back to work, I had a breakdown on monday, got signed off for a whole week and now work are expecting me back tomorrow, (they have no idea of my condition) but I really dont feel ready.. I need to see the doctor again. Its like the guilt of not providing and the fear of what work will think is the only thing motivating me to go, but I'm afraid I'm going to explode if I go back

anyone else struggle with this or have any helpful advice?

It started when I quit my permanent job due to the onset of bipolar, which I didn't think I had. I had a rest and found what should have been a better job. However it was an unlucky choice because while I was down I encountered a sociopath who targeted me. This reduced my confidence and when I finally got a better job I was a mess and asked to leave within three weeks.

Eighteen months after quitting the first job I was in hospital with psychosis..I recovered and went back to work in a simple job, then started my profession again a year later. However I felt that I was beginning to have the same trouble again so I quit. Shortly after that I was hospitalised and diagnosed with bipolar 1. I went back to my simple job but three more years later I am not working at all.

I told you that story to illustrate the consequences of getting it wrong. I know the feelings that surround coming back to work. However it's important that you try to keep this job, because you already have a good rep there and you are probably not a target. It will be easier than trying to get a new job later. Try to work with the organisation's human resources department and do a graduated return to work program. It is in the interests of the organisation to try to keep you on. And don't over do it or things will go badly wrong.

Also don't tell anyone at work you have been mentally ill. You might decide in the future whether you want to come out about it but for now it's a risky decision to make where you are at the moment.

I too have had to make difficult decisions related to my mental health and my job. If you are in the US you can go on FMLA leave. I have had to do this and there is no shame in it. I know at the time I felt guilty for letting my job and my coworkers down but I needed to do what was right for me. I would have been letting them down anyways if I went to work and was not able to do my job properly.