Questioning Your Diagnosis?

Does anyone else question their diagnosis? I come on here and read some posts, I read things on other websites, I watch documentaries, I read books... And I don't feel I have it bad enough to be diagnosed with bipolar. I have a mostly good sleep schedule. Sometimes I do sleep less, and sometimes I sleep A LOT. (I don't question that I have some form of depression, so sleeping a lot makes sense.) Sometimes I do get hyper for no reason at inappropriate times, but it's short lived that I don't have time to carry out any farfetched idea I may have come up with. My doctor says that's hypomania, but when I read about hypomania, I think, are they sure I don't just get hyper? Isn't there a difference between hyper and hypomanic? Then I realize that someone with depression - someone who self harms and would rather be in bed than anywhere else - does not just get hyper for no reason. I don't know if "normal" people do or not, but I know depressed people don't. But then I wonder if I should enjoy being hyper rather than telling my doctor so he can fret. I used to enjoy it until he insisted it was hypomania.

I know I have some dissociation and psychosis (or have in the past - it seems the minute I finally speak up about something, it disappears). And I am aware that my mood swings are often, as far as I know, without reason. I also know it doesn't really matter because really anti-depressants make things worse for me or don't do anything at all (depends which you ask about) so I do need mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics, or both. And I know either way, I have issues I need to address.

I guess my point is that sometimes I feel like the girl who cried wolf when I say that I have bipolar disorder. I feel like a hypochondriac, even though that's exactly what goes on my medical records, and I was honest with the doctor when I said the things that landed me with that diagnosis. Instead of accepting it, I just guilt trip myself and say I'm being whiny, and that I either need to be "better" at being bipolar, or I need to suck it up entirely and act normal like everyone else. I told my psychiatrist about this, and he explained why I have the diagnosis. I thought I would feel less guilty after talking to him, but for some reason I didn't believe him enough to soothe my conscience.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi there,

What you see on the media, or read about on this forum and others, are always going to be fairly extreme examples and not the average bipolar life.

The other thing I wanted to bring up was the different types of bipolar. You didn't mention these so I will explain them anyway; basically there are different severities of different symptoms. So in type one bipolar you can have full blown mania with or without psychosis, whereas in type two the highs are not as high - you get hypomania, but the depressions tend to be more severe and long lasting.
Then there are the other types like cyclothymia where you have this constant fluctuating mood.

But even in bipolar type one, you aren't necessarily fully high that often.

It is natural to question your diagnosis. What is important is, is the treatment they are giving you on the basis of that diagnosis helpful?

My depression is definitely more severe and drawn out. I don't get high very often. I think that's the main source of my doubt...

Well, no, it's not really working. Sadly, it almost completely eliminated the highs - the parts that I like. But I had ONE episode that the doctors said was mania (as opposed to hypomania, which is the term they always use). Just ONCE. When I got into that manic state, besides being super hyper and all that, I binged really badly, and then spend a long time trying to make myself throw up. I don't ever binge eat, and I hate throwing up - I'll avoid it even when I'm actually sick and I know it will make me feel better. I just thought I could do whatever I wanted. But, I think the most harmful part of the aftermath of that episode was the fear that treating depression too heavily will trigger another manic state (the professionals determined I'd passed hypomania) and therefore sticking me with depression, which IS dangerous for me. I will hurt myself when I'm depressed. Yet somehow, they so easily managed the mania, but can't get a grip on the depression. I keep telling them I'm still depressed, and they look for some solution, and they can't find one, so I just get to stay depressed.

I was like this too for awhile during a really bad OCD and mixed episode not too long. It's really your mind trying to convince you to check again and again.. It's never enough. I literally considered every single possibility I could think of and none of them really explained my experience. All of this knowing that I definitely experienced mania.

hi hon

I dont think it is uncommon to questin diagnosis when you have a MH condition. We are good at beating ourseslves up and saying that there is nothing really wrong with us and it is just a defect in how we cope with life. However I think often this is wonky thinking rather than us being misdiagnosed. I have BP1 and I still at times think that I cant possibly have that and I am making it up - I know other ppl who think like this too and think they are malingering even when it is clear they have illness going on. I think that the important thing about diagnosis is that you get help which works for you - so i think this is the thing that matters most to push for with your team and it sounds like to try to help you it helps them to give you the diagnosis of BP so they can target their treatment. But yeah I dont think thinking like this is uncommon

Huge hugs

Cracked

gratteciel wrote:My depression is definitely more severe and drawn out. I don't get high very often. I think that's the main source of my doubt...

Well, no, it's not really working. Sadly, it almost completely eliminated the highs - the parts that I like. But I had ONE episode that the doctors said was mania (as opposed to hypomania, which is the term they always use). Just ONCE. When I got into that manic state, besides being super hyper and all that, I binged really badly, and then spend a long time trying to make myself throw up. I don't ever binge eat, and I hate throwing up - I'll avoid it even when I'm actually sick and I know it will make me feel better. I just thought I could do whatever I wanted. But, I think the most harmful part of the aftermath of that episode was the fear that treating depression too heavily will trigger another manic state (the professionals determined I'd passed hypomania) and therefore sticking me with depression, which IS dangerous for me. I will hurt myself when I'm depressed. Yet somehow, they so easily managed the mania, but can't get a grip on the depression. I keep telling them I'm still depressed, and they look for some solution, and they can't find one, so I just get to stay depressed.

Keep trying! There are so many good medications for bipolar that there should not be a need for treating mania at the expense of depression.

Yeah, I think it's pretty common. That's the million-dollar-question for me: am I really bipolar? Or am I just exaggerating?

Deep down, I know I'm not exaggerating. But how do we know the difference between hypomania and happiness? Between depression and sadness? How do we know that healthy people don't feel the same way we do? Just the other day I actually googled "difference between depression and sadness" and "difference between hypomania and happiness"! I think it's easier for me to accept the depression part. Maybe because it's been present in my life for so long, maybe because the signs are easier to identify. Like, I know most people I know don't sleep for 18 hours a day! I know they don't cut, don't want to kill themselves. But do I really know? I mean, the few people I told about my diagnosis had no idea I was depressed! So, maybe they hide it too? Again, deep down I know this isn't true. But convincing myself of that is a whole different story...

With hypomania it's even harder! I was depressed for so long that I genuinely thought hypomania was just me feeling happy. It's not! Most people, even if they are feeling happy, don't walk around with an idiotic smile on their faces all day long. Sometimes I'm on the bus and see my reflection and it seems like my eyes shine! I have to make a conscious effort to wipe that smile off my face. Also, there's usually no reason. Sometimes there are triggers, but mostly I just wake up like that. Most people have a reason to feel happy, I guess.

This isn't much of an answer, I know, but I'm filled with doubt myself. I feel split! On the one hand I know this isn't normal. On the other hand, I keep thinking I'm just overreacting, that's why I got the diagnosis. I know this isn't true, but the doubt is always there. Let me know if you figure it out!

I question parts of it, but those are mostly communication problems of me trying to explain my state to someone making a diagnosis. Like doctor stating that my depression lasts longer than elevated mood - sure it may, but I haven't had proper deep depression that lasted longer than few days in almost a year now. Or that my anxiety is caused by depression, if I just as anxious hypo, I have to question that statement. But since doctors know state of my mind better than I do, I try not to argue with them.

I get a bit protective of my earlier diagnosis of BP if someone dares to assume I'm not, instead trying to explain it symptom by symptom; depression, stress, lazy, and so on. I've accepted being BP as major part of my personality.

invicta wrote:With hypomania it's even harder! I was depressed for so long that I genuinely thought hypomania was just me feeling happy. It's not! Most people, even if they are feeling happy, don't walk around with an idiotic smile on their faces all day long. Sometimes I'm on the bus and see my reflection and it seems like my eyes shine! I have to make a conscious effort to wipe that smile off my face. Also, there's usually no reason. Sometimes there are triggers, but mostly I just wake up like that. Most people have a reason to feel happy, I guess.

That's exactly it. I am depressed so much that I think depression is normal, and when I get hypomanic, I think I'm happy for once. So if depression is normal and hypomania is happy, it makes sense that I would feel misdiagnosed. I guess it would also make sense for "happy" to seem so far off from depression that hypomania being far off from where I was would make sense. When I'm hypomanic, though, I am truly convinced that I'm fine, nothing's wrong. I am constantly on fast forward. I guess that's not really normal.

gratteciel wrote:That's exactly it. I am depressed so much that I think depression is normal, and when I get hypomanic, I think I'm happy for once. So if depression is normal and hypomania is happy, it makes sense that I would feel misdiagnosed. I guess it would also make sense for "happy" to seem so far off from depression that hypomania being far off from where I was would make sense. When I'm hypomanic, though, I am truly convinced that I'm fine, nothing's wrong. I am constantly on fast forward. I guess that's not really normal.

I think that even when I'm convinced I'm fine, a little part of me knows the truth. A tiny nano-part of me. But still, I do think it changes a bit with time. Or maybe I should say experience. As we become more aware of subtle symptoms, triggers, whatever signs, I think we start to understand those differences a bit more. I haven't been diagnosed that long, but I'm now much more aware of certain features of each state that help me figure out which is which. It doesn't mean I fully accept everything, but it's a start!

At least I hope so!