Enough of the stinking thinking!

I feel like expressing myself. I am tired of the constant battle in my head. I have had so much therapy over the years, and yet the clutter is still there.

First therapy was cognitive behaviour therapy. First port of call for just about everything. Learning to challenge the 'stinking thinking' that comes with depression. But basically what happens is, this leads to an exhausting and futile battle in my head. Because challenging my thoughts helps for about a minute, then another stinking thought comes back, which I challenge, but my mood DOES NOT CHANGE.

A similar therapy I did was based in cognitive behaviour therapy and targeted my perfectionism. I have not changed. I am still a perfectionist.

Acceptance and commitment therapy. If I could manage to live by my values, I would have been doing it already. I hardly chose to become bipolar.

Relaxation techniques such as breathing and tensing and releasing muscles. These aren't bad for anxiety. But they don't help with the actual bipolar.

Mindfulness.. I suppose centering in the moment is good for you. But it's another mental game at the end of the day.

Computer games for improving cognitive skills. At least that therapy was fun.

Trauma therapy - not for bipolar again, but I have the feeling that it was the therapist who was key in helping me sort out the past. She also did interpersonal and social rhythm therapy with me, which was very helpful and actually designed for bipolar disorder. Again this one might depend on how good your therapist is. It all helped a lot, but it's taken a while to settle and I have begun to realise..

I'm not better!!!
I'm tired all the time from meds. I'm scared to go back to work. I'm fat. I can't control my sugar cravings.

Aren't these problems kind of typical of people these days though? THIS is recovery. Is it possible that I'm actually normal again, if not 'better'?

Big hugs bipolarbirdie -- I know how this feels.

I actually went through a lot of therapy and I felt that my stinking thinking was indeed "cured". And I was feeling great (hypomania, but I didn't know)... until I crashed and woke up depressed one day in 2012. And I was in panic and anger -- why the hell am I feeling depressed? I didn't actually have any stinking thoughts. I just felt terrible and wanted to die. I couldn't think myself out of this one.

Therapy can't cure bipolar. It will make certain parts of it easier to understand and cope with, but it will not take it away however hard we challenge ourselves, focus on the moment and play computer games. In combination with medication you might end up where I am now -- feeling stable, not having drastic mood swings every few hours but rather mild ones every few weeks -- but the illness will not go away. And that in itself might make you doubt the therapies' use.

Sometimes I feel down and I question everything: how much use am I to the society? To my family? To my boyfriend? What is the point of staying sober? What is the point of staying alive? But at the end, I am still around. I do my best to help people around me. I'm fat, but I accepted that -- I'd rather be fat and alive than ripped and dead. My perfectionism still gets the better of me every now and then. (Trying to perfectly unlearn perfectionism isn't going to work, I discovered.) At the end there's always a reason to go on. Will there be one in 10 years? In a year? Tomorrow? I don't know. But so far there always has been.

I have discovered coping techniques they don't teach at therapy. Sobriety; exercise; prayer; meditation; volunteering; animated kitty GIFs; Chris Hemsworth's topless pictures; a new Pet Shop Boys album. I AM better thanks to all those. Hugs are a BIG one. Anybody can hug me, and I can hug anybody except for people who don't like hugging. It's free, doesn't take much time and it's acceptable pretty much anywhere.

Today I had a nice morning with my boyfriend; then I cycled home thinking of how I stopped doing my mood chart because of my doctor being useless and how I need to do the mood chart for MYSELF; then I did my groceries and included a sweet dessert in them, even though I know I "shouldn't" do it; I will see my NA sponsor in an hour. It's not a life I ever imagined having. I don't have a job and I am scared to look for one. But it's the life I have, the cards I've been dealt, and I will play this game to the best of my ability. Perhaps not perfectly; perhaps there will be people who will never understand and who will find me a disappointment. But luckily I don't need to care of those people.

Big hug and I hope I didn't irritate you with my long post. It would make my day if I knew it made you feel a tiny tiny bit better.

Thanks Oliveira,

It DID make me feel a lot better. Thanks for spending so much time replying and I'm very happy to read your long post. It's very similar to where I am at at the moment. Difficult to make the choice of what to put in the shopping basket. Some days great, other days not so great.

You are totally indispensible to your family. It's a lot more than being 'useful'. It's being there.

Big hugs.