Serious suicidal ideation vs Maladaptive Daydreaming (TW)

Hey,
where is the difference between the two? How can I tell if my thoughts are serious or just a way to cope with certain emotions/stress triggers?

A little more details: A few months ago I had suicide fantasies (imagining peoples reactions, imagining jumping off a bridge, hanging myself etc.). These daydreams were pretty excessive and I was having them for weeks non-stop.

This has changed. I'm no longer fantasizing too much about suicide, I'm just thinking about doing it, the best way to do it, preparations and how much of a relief it would be. In school I'm facing some serious problems like being confronted with my, imo non-existent, dark and grim future, people having high expectations of me (because of my past performance before the depression hit me) and me not being able to live up to them anymore and me feeling inferior to EVERYONE else. My grades have dropped, teachers are disappointed and I have to face the reality that I might not even be able to get through this schoolyear. As a consequence I become hopeless, thinking to myself "I hope I don't feel better, else I have to repair all this damage" and continuing on to plan my suicide. I'm not even looking forward to anything while I'm at this horrible place. I feel like people are disgusted by me and look down on me.
Coming home from school there is nothing. No activities I enjoy, nothing to look forward to. I just feel empty and bored. I go to bed, fall asleep, sleep until the evening, am awake for a few hours, eat something against my will and go to bed again, dreaming weird stuff and waking up 5-6 times during the night. Then I wake up the next morning with no energy at all and the cycle continues. Everything is so fu**ing colorless and every day feels the same (I can't even remember what happened in the past few days, because absolutely nothing about those days was special or stood out).

In addition to this, I've been having anxiety and panic attacks repeatedly in the past few weeks (mostly triggered by pain in my chest area), but today I was laying in my bed and I started to feel those symptoms again, feeling pain in my chest, not being able to breathe very well and instead of panicking I was very relaxed and told myself: "Please, bring it on. Let me die in peace." I can't think of living another day in this nightmare, let alone weeks.

So what do you say, are my thoughts serious or just a harmless maladaptive coping technique?

Hi xfa.
You certainly are having a difficult time with hopelessness and disturbing thoughts.
I went through a similar period where I would work, eat, sleep for 5 days and then spend the whole weekend hiding away in my apartment, only to start it all again on monday morning.

What helped me most was knowing that there were people who genuinely cared about me, even if I wasn't in contact with them. The world wasn't ganged up against me and people were not staring down at me with disgust and disappointment. Regardless of how I felt, people cared. I let that positive reality just sit in the back of my mind. Slowly life became better, and I emerged from my shell.

I have come to cope with life with the help of the right medication and lots of talk therapy.
I encourage you to see your doctor and tell him what you are feeling and how life is going. The doctor will probably prescribe medication, or change your prescriptions if you are taking medicine already. See if there is any counselling available so you can talk your problems out.

Most of all, hold on through the darkest moments, and take care of yourself.
If there isn't talk therapy available, stay in contact here. People here understand.

Hi Xfa,
I am very concerned about you. It sounds like you are on the verge of giving up. Please take this seriously and find a pysychiatrist to help you. There are improvements you can make in your life but it sounds like you are too mentally exhausted to make changes. Meds can help for a while.

Hey there xfa!

It sounds like you're going through some very hard times, and nothing about it is harmless, I think! The thoughts and behaviours you describe should be taken very seriously. It does not seem to me to be harmless daydreaming, maladaptive or not. It sounds like very serious suicidal ideation.

Although I'm much better now, I remember when I felt like what you describe. Every small pain would actually make me feel better just by making me think that maybe it would kill me, and then I wouldn't have to do it myself. Stuff that would make me panic before, like increased heart rate and such, would instead lead to a feeling of peace, thinking "This is it, I'm going to die and finally be free".

I think you really need help. Do you see a therapist or p-doc? If you do, is there any way you can contact them? Are you on any medication, anti-depressants or something? Don't get me wrong, I think therapy can be very helpful, but in some cases the symptoms must be dealt with immediately. Only after they subside or decrease in intensity can therapy work. If you don't, maybe you should consider seeing a doctor? You need help with this, it's not something you can cope with on your own.

Stay safe and keep posting if you feel it helps.
Huge hugs

skilsaw wrote:You certainly are having a difficult time with hopelessness and disturbing thoughts.
I went through a similar period where I would work, eat, sleep for 5 days and then spend the whole weekend hiding away in my apartment, only to start it all again on monday morning.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.

skilsaw wrote:What helped me most was knowing that there were people who genuinely cared about me, even if I wasn't in contact with them. The world wasn't ganged up against me and people were not staring down at me with disgust and disappointment. Regardless of how I felt, people cared. I let that positive reality just sit in the back of my mind. Slowly life became better, and I emerged from my shell.

I have to say that I don't feel that way. I feel looked down on, hated. But at the same time, I hate them back. I reject them, so they can't reject me. I don't talk about my issues or the way I feel, because it makes me feel vulnerable and like an open book. I'm paranoid, feeling that the more I open up, the easier it is for them to rip me apart. I don't see much sunlight, because I feel like someone is watching me 24/7. And why is this? I have no idea. I have great parents, I had a great childhood. I wasn't bullied. But still, I feel this way. I'm scared shi*less and I don't know why.

skilsaw wrote:I have come to cope with life with the help of the right medication and lots of talk therapy.
I encourage you to see your doctor and tell him what you are feeling and how life is going. The doctor will probably prescribe medication, or change your prescriptions if you are taking medicine already. See if there is any counselling available so you can talk your problems out.

Yes, I have an appointment in a few weeks, so. I'll hang in there until then. It's a psychiatrist, so I'll make sure that I get medication. Right now I don't see words helping too much with my moods, lack of energy, apathy and some of the other symptoms I don't have much control over.

skilsaw wrote:Most of all, hold on through the darkest moments, and take care of yourself.

I will for now. I don't want to "give up" before trying, even though I have lost hope in everything completely.

bipolarbirdie wrote:There are improvements you can make in your life but it sounds like you are too mentally exhausted to make changes

Yes this is true. I don't understand how people are able to function in their work- or schoollife while suffering from depression. I am not even close to being able to perform well under any set of circumstances. I can't even do the simplest tasks, make the easiest decisions..I'm either a more severe case or just suck at handling myself.

invicta wrote:Although I'm much better now, I remember when I felt like what you describe. Every small pain would actually make me feel better just by making me think that maybe it would kill me, and then I wouldn't have to do it myself. Stuff that would make me panic before, like increased heart rate and such, would instead lead to a feeling of peace, thinking "This is it, I'm going to die and finally be free".

Good to know that there a people out there who experience the same. I actually don't really want to die in an accident, I want to have "control" over my death. I want people to know how I've felt before I leave this place. I don't want people to speculate or make wrong assumptions about my life. What a nightmare that would be.

invicta wrote:I think you really need help. Do you see a therapist or p-doc? If you do, is there any way you can contact them? Are you on any medication, anti-depressants or something? Don't get me wrong, I think therapy can be very helpful, but in some cases the symptoms must be dealt with immediately. Only after they subside or decrease in intensity can therapy work. If you don't, maybe you should consider seeing a doctor? You need help with this, it's not something you can cope with on your own.

I have an appointment in a few weeks as I mentioned above. Till then, I'll have to cope some way. It's friday, which means I'm not too confronted with school and my future. So I'm going back to my obsession with sex as a way to cope, as long as I don't hurt anybody, I'll be able to get through the waiting time.
I don't know how the next weeks will look like in terms of school, it might pull me down even further..We'll see. To be honest, all the people there can go fu** themselves. I don't care.

What's rather ironic is that I either feel nothing or too much. I contemplate suicide and the next minute I hear about a young girl who died in a car-accident, something that makes me extremely sad..I should be jealous, but I'm actually saddened by the fact that their life is ripped away like that..

Xfa, it pains me to read your description, since I can relate so much!! I'm 27 now, but depression first started when I was around 10 years old. For years, the thing that bothered me most was why! Why was I depressed?? Why did I feel like that? There's been no trauma whatsoever in my life, I have an amazing family (more than they realize!), never had much trouble at school, great friends... There was never any reason to feel like I did! It took me years to understand that there doesn't have to be a reason. The brain acts stupid sometimes! Even now, sometimes it's hard to convince myself. Please try and keep that in mind - neurotransmitters, hormones, all that stuff makes you feel depressed. That's why I think meds are so important in cases such as these, where the cause is endogenous and not provoked by external events.

Even so, sometimes it's good to see a therapist. We learn to cope with these feelings in ways that sometimes aren't all that healthy, and a therapist can help a lot. But imo, first you need to deal with the debilitating symptoms. I mean, how can you focus on coping strategies if you can't leave your bed, right?

I'm glad to know you're seeing a p-doc. It may take a while to find the right meds, and for the meds to start working, but for me it was a huge relief when I found the right anti-depressant and it started working. I hope you'll find the same!

Don't give up, and remember that right now, just getting by is a huge accomplishment for you! You need to focus on getting better and then your schoolwork and such will improve.

Hang in there, keep posting if it helps you, and huge hugs!

invicta wrote:Xfa, it pains me to read your description, since I can relate so much!! I'm 27 now, but depression first started when I was around 10 years old. For years, the thing that bothered me most was why! Why was I depressed?? Why did I feel like that? There's been no trauma whatsoever in my life, I have an amazing family (more than they realize!), never had much trouble at school, great friends... There was never any reason to feel like I did! It took me years to understand that there doesn't have to be a reason. The brain acts stupid sometimes! Even now, sometimes it's hard to convince myself. Please try and keep that in mind - neurotransmitters, hormones, all that stuff makes you feel depressed. That's why I think meds are so important in cases such as these, where the cause is endogenous and not provoked by external events.

Yes I am aware of this. I suffered episodes of depression throughout the ages of 12-16. At the age of around 12 I was extremely obsessed with death and suicide, I couldn't think of anything else. I never thought it would be depression though, I got used to that state and thought it was normal (even though I realised that other people were rather different) and just dismissed it as me being a weirdo (I did a lot of unorthodox things during these episodes, I don't even wanna go into that).

It just came out of nowhere and I'm aware of the fact that it's neurological. That's why I consulted a psychiatrist and not a psychologist yet.

invicta wrote:Even so, sometimes it's good to see a therapist. We learn to cope with these feelings in ways that sometimes aren't all that healthy, and a therapist can help a lot. But imo, first you need to deal with the debilitating symptoms. I mean, how can you focus on coping strategies if you can't leave your bed, right?

Yes, we'll see how that goes. I plan on consulting my former psychologist again in a few weeks. Not sure yet if it's necessary, but it probably is.

But still, to be really honest, I'm not too enthuastic about all this..I couldn't care less, really..

xfa wrote:I never thought it would be depression though, I got used to that state and thought it was normal (even though I realised that other people were rather different) and just dismissed it as me being a weirdo (I did a lot of unorthodox things during these episodes, I don't even wanna go into that).

Yeah, this!! We get so used to depression that it starts to feel like that's a normal state to be in. It's not! Don't forget that. Even if it's hard to believe sometimes, keep telling yourself that, maybe it will eventually sink in. Even now, although I know it isn't normal to feel depressed, I still have this thought in the back of my head that tells me I'm just overreacting... It's a lot better now, though.

xfa wrote:Yes, we'll see how that goes. I plan on consulting my former psychologist again in a few weeks. Not sure yet if it's necessary, but it probably is.

Take it one step at a time. See what your doctor tells you. Tell him that you're considering seeing a psychologist and you'd like his/her opinion on that. You can always just go and give it a try. If you like it and think it can be helpful, good. If not, you can always not return.

xfa wrote:But still, to be really honest, I'm not too enthuastic about all this..I couldn't care less, really..

I know. Right now that's how you feel, but that's the depression talking, not you. Once things start to get better you will care. Hang in there!

Please let us know how it goes, will you? I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
Hugs

I do get these suisidal thoughts quite more often than I used to. I have come to the conclusion at least for me that just because one thinks this way doesnt mean he or see might do it. Its just the disorder or as I call it, the devil. Its just part of it and it sucks. This is why people like us have to be on high dose of depression meds.

Mark

Don't wanna go on with all my self-pitying right now..Just pointing out that I've hit the lowest of the lows..Still hanging in there though..

Note to self: Checking out facebook-profiles of people in my age being outgoing, successful schoolwise and just generally happy is not a good idea..I feel so inadequate, it's unreal.

The fact that everything is already prepared for the moment of moments comforts me right now.

Those might be the longest 2-3 weeks of my entire life....