New here and need help

Hi everyone, i found this site after searching for some support.

I am 21 years old, female and was diagnosed with Bipolar about 12 months ago. I went through a very bad year and half before that, when i had a complete nervous/mental breakdown which led to severe depression for 7 months and then i went into mania and had to be hospitalised.

It was very traumatic for me (i'm sure everyones feels this way), i still get upset thinking of everything i put my family through and feeling i would never make it.

I have been trying to accept my illness and be positive about the future and tell myself i can deal with it, but there are times ( 99% of the time) when i feel that Bipolar has taken over my life. I feel like i have no hope to go onto uni, to get married to my partner and to have children.

I'm so afraid that stress from studying and working will make me unwell and then my family will have to suffer agian.

I'm afraid i will ruin my partners life if we were to get married because i feel i am such an awful person and i have very bad mood swings and anger issues, since being diagnosed. I also worry about having children because i dont want to pass the illness onto them or have they grow up in an environment were i'm naic and depressed all the time and i cant take care of them.


I'm also very embarrassed and ashamed of how i was wen i was manic and so i keep myself very sheltered from others and avoid contacting anyone who saw me in that state, so i get very lonely.


I kno you must be thinking why am i worrying about marriage and kids, but i have had that pressure on me since i could remember and it is very important in my culture.
I am extreamly perfectionist, so i hate that i cant get control of my illness and its controlling me. I like to plan things out and eliminate anything that may ruin the life i had planned.

I just hope that i can get some advice on how i can accept my illness and what i can do take back control. I really do feel so depressed that i am going to be a burden to everyone who cares for me and i shouldn't bother with my career, marriage, kids, because i will fail at all of it and end up alone, unwell and in hospital.

Almost everyday, i feel i have this dark cloud over my head and it wont go away.

At the moment i'm changing medication from depakote (evil, evil, evil) because it made me gain like 50lbs ( not helping with my depression) to carbemazepine.

Any people who have experiences with these medications, i would much appreciate it if you could share them with me.

I miss the person i used to be. I was bubbly, fun, and happy, but now i am nothing but a pain to everyone.

Anyway, I hope everybody is good and well and i hope i can be of some support to everyone.

Thank You

xx

ps, i have posted a similar message in the first forum about living with Mental Health. I just thought i'd post it in Bipolar aswell. Hope that doesn't bother anyone.

I came down with bipolar when I was your age. It kicked me around for a number of years, then I went to AA for my drinking, and AA took care of my drinking, bipolar, and all other problems besides. I gained over 100 pounds with my meds. I eventually loat all the weight, even ran marathons. I worried about all that your write about. There is a lot of truth in your worries. Bipolar can ruin a person's life. Medication works wonders for some people. Medication did not work well for me. I control my highs and lows with other methods. Exercise is one of the key things that I use.

I wrote extensively about my fight with bipolar on my website. I suggest you check out my article on acceptance--it addresses most of what you are talking about. Your perfectionism may be behind your problems. It is at the core of many mood difficulties.

Good Luck,
Jim S

Hi, thank you so much for replying. I feel so relieved that there is hope that things will get better for me. I was aware that many people with bipolar have similar worries to mine, but i'm just used to hearing that i'm 'over exaggerating' and that i'l 'cope', from my friends. I really appreciate their help and support but sometimes i feel that they dont understand.

I'm happy that you got through your ruff times and managed to get a grip of your illness. I hope i will find a way somehow.

I was wondering what other methods you used to help you control your highs and lows? I am staicking with medication for now but i dont want to be on it all my life so i would like to know of alternatives.

I was also very keen on running before i got ill. I used to do alot of endurance running and enjoyed keeping fit, especially danceing. Now however, i find it really difficult for me to even get out of bed in the morning. I miss the gym and dancing and swimming and everything soo bad, but i just cant bring myself to do these things at the size and weight i am now.

Thank you again for your reply. I will defo check out your website. Thank You.
I hope you stay well.

xx

Sounds like you and I have a lot in common with all the physical stuff. I usually get the most mood benefit from intense exercise as opposed to short walks. Doing judo makes me forget all my problems because the instant I start thinking of something else I'll get thrown to the mat. Many other sports would have the same benefit.

I've received a great deal of benefit from cognitive therapy that I learned in Recovery, Inc. a self-help group. With these methods, you control your impulses. However, behind many mood problems is the desire to be exceptional, no matter what. The more I expect from myself and others, the worse my moods get. The more I try to just be another bozo on the bus, the better my mood. Although I've lowered my expectations, I've been able to succeed in life beyond my wildest dreams--black belt, who's who in two different fields, and many other honors. It seems that if I control my impulses, I achieve more since I have more focus.

Also, I try to pray, meditate, and help others. I tried to give all the details of how I stay off of medication and lead a happy life on my website.
Good Luck,
Jim S