i cant deal with bipolar, someone help me.

i am only 13, so i cant deal with this whole adult bipolar thing. i have bipolar pretty bad, but the only people that know are my parents and my two bestfriends. well, my parents want this perfect girl and i cant give that to them, but i really want to.

when i am manic i am happy, but i get angry easily, so being manic isnt that great, but it is better than my suicidal lows. so basically my moods are all screwed up.

i cant tell my therapist and my psychiatrist anything, because i dont open up easily.

i want help, but i dont know how to ask for it.

Kesh, you can ask for help just as easily as you did here. If it helps to type it onto a piece of paper and just GIVE it to your doctors and your parents, that'd be okay, too. Just as long as you tell them how you're feeling.

In my experience with my own moods, it doesn't sound like you're leveled out on your meds yet - and you can't get that changed for the better unless you tell your doctors EXACTLY how you're feeling.

Feeling rage can be controlled with med changes, as well as your other mood symptoms. I recently dealt with the same issues - I would rage to the point of wanting to rip someone's head off in a split second. Well, I'm a mother of 2 young boys, so I can't go around acting like that! I know it's different with you - but you DO have a life to live, and not spilling what you're feeling is just going to waste a lot of time that you could be feeling a lot better.

Really, you owe it to yourself to talk to someone and get the help you need. You and everybody else will be better off for it. A mood disorder like Bipolar is nothing you can control on your own, much like people with Diabetes can't control their insulin levels - so we, like them, need medication to fill in the holes of a chemical imbalance in our brains. It's no big deal! So, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you do - emotionally or physically.

Please tell your parents how you're feeling and that you need to see your doctors again. And tell them especially about the rage issues, as well as everything else. You CAN get to feeling better, but you won't if you aren't very specific with what you're feeling. It may not be easy, but this may be the stepping stone to speaking up for yourself and be proactive in your own care.

I feel level for the first time since I was diagnosed, but it was only after many med and doseage changes until we found what worked, and nothing would've worked if I hadn't told my doctor how I was feeling.

Hugs to you, sweetie. It DOES get better.

Hiya Kesh,

I look back over the wreckage of a lifetime with undiagnosed BD and wish I had your luck.

MojoPen is right, talk to the people around you who can, and will help! There are medications out there that can make a difference, a big difference!

For years I would cycle up and down, again and again, and each time friends and family would be worried.

Last year the depression was so bad, so painful I wanted to take my own life to make it stop. I was as low as low can be and I hated it. My Therapist works in a clinic, there are other professionals there as well, and I got into see a Psychiatrist after too many trips to the ER because I was hours, maybe less away from doing something terrible.

It's been a hard road, I'm finally on meds to mostly control the depression and that is all we thought it was. Mind there is a family history of BD, my father had it . . . My brother has it . . . So does my sister . . . I thought I missed it and was only suffering major depression . . .

Wrong it would seem, because the last week I've been so high I'm dizzy. I'm as high now as I was low when I wanted to "end me pain" as I called it.

When I started on medication, I was frightened and scared when I finally reached "normal" territory . . .

41 years old and for the first time in my life I was perfectly normal, not too high, not too low, and that told me that yes, I was having highs for the longest time and didn't know it. We decided to wait and see what happened because I have the ability to sometimes throttle myself back . . .

This week has been terrible. Why? Because I'm so high I'm watching the moon orbit around the earth and I cannot shut my brain off. I'm not sleeping, eating when I think of it, I'm so tired and yet feel like I could I could move the moon all by myself. My head is pounding, racing, pounding, racing, racing, racing and I really do not like it at all.

The good news is I'm going to see my pdoc and work on getting this straightened out too.

BD is wonderful in that it can be treated and left behind you. Manage your life, schedule, diet and meds and you'll be in good shape. I know how hard this all seems, what a pain this is, but I also know what a lifetime of BD has cost me.

I'm 42 now, a widow, no children, grandchildren or anything and short of adoption, it's not going to happen. I'm very sad, looking back at the life wasted, the dreams extinguished before they even started, and wish I knew when I was your age even a little of what I know now. I'd have started meds and could have had a very, very different life.

The good news is I know what has been, and is going on. Knowledge is power, and treatment becomes much easier when you know what you are dealing with. I've been on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer for the low end for quite some time now (8 months) and I've spent more time at normal in these 8 months than the entirety of the last 41. Now, well now I'm racing, racing, racing and my head feels like it's going to explode. Part of me wishes it would and just be done with it, the rest of me is going to hold on and ride it out until I see my pdoc. I can talk to him, he listens to me, hears me, and has helped me to save my life. I know it may not be instantly, but I know we'll find something that works and I'll get back to "normal" and stay there more and more!

The first most important step is to ask for help, and as MojoPen said, there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. This IS exactly like Diabetes, something(s) your body doesn't make enough of that you can get from your pdoc and you'll be in good shape.

Take it from me, go, ask for help, take control of the illness before it controls you for most of your life. Mine is half over, your's is just begining, and you can do this! We are always here to talk to if you want . . .

Hang in there . . .

Greeneyedggirl. That's "greeneyed" double "g" "irl" like Tigger cause he's my favorite! Today, being this high, I feel like Tigger, bouncy, wounccy, fun, fun, fun! Tops are made out rubber bottom made out of too much italian food . . . Okay, really too much FOOD. With a side of Tazmainian devil thrown in today . . .

Hang in there honey!

It's never been hard to express emotions for me. But it is sometimes scary to tell others what you are going through. Who should I trust - will they hold it against me later???? They will just throw it back in my face "Psycho" - I passed that years ago. The sooner your friends and family get to know you and understand you the better of support you will find. They won't just right you off as being the mad angry girl that just yelled at everyone and is ranting and raving and bawling her head off for no apparent reason.

My parents didn't understand and died before they could fully understand what was going on. But I know the rest of my family understands even though I have lashed out at them - we all get through it. Keep a journal of your emotions and any medications that you start and the changes that are made. Make this your bible so to speak. I look back at mine and see the same thing over and over. It helps me and my doctor keep track of what's happening. You don't have to show anyone this if you don't want. Nobody looks at mine. It's for my reference only.

Just went to the Psychiatrist yesterday. I am in a "dispyhoric high" right now- I am manic right but different. I am angry yelling out at people. Bitching at others and it's not appropriate. I am depressed inside and visibly angry on the outside. This time of year is a bitch for me and many others. Can't sleep - racing mind. Same as many others.

Get some help. Help is where it begins. Take a trusted friend with you if you are scared. Perhaps a guidance counselor from school can help too? Whoever you have out there to support you - USE them. You will get through this but you have to make a commitment to yourself to get better and that means taking the right steps and getting help is the first.

Hang in there - THINGS DO GET BETTER!

Good luck. In one sense you may be lucky to find out what your problem is. You may be able to control it an an early age, instead of wasting decades of your life like many of us do with our mental illness.

Just opening up on this forum is a good start. Keep on posting and read about some of the other people. You are not alone. You can lead a full life.
Good Luck,
Jim S

i'm on somthing new called lamictal, i think you are too young to take it, but one day, it might really help you, it prolongs the amount of time between episodes, and when i have a depressive episode, i can usually snap out of it and a few days, find somthing to do, like a hobby that relieves your stress, and that might help you to cope.