Not sure how to deal with being Bipolar anymore.

Well about 3 years ago I was diagnosed as being Bipolar. Its really hard for me to deal with especially considering that im still a teenage girl, and im just not sure how to find a balance between being me and being "stable". When I first was diagnosed my doctors chose to start me on medication right away. They kept piling it on me and eventually I was on 26 pills a day. I gained 173 lbs in less than a year, and for being such a small girl all my life going to the big, was, to say the least, depressing. I began to take myself off the meds without my doctors or mothers knowledge and I started feeling better, happier, and more outgoing, I started losing the weight. Things started lookin up until recently My cousin died, and my "best friend" betrayed me in an unforgivible way, and my older sister is taking her side. And I just dont know what to do anymore. There is too much going on in my life. I dont want to get on medication again, Im terrified to, but I just dont want to feel this way anymore. Im scared, because im suicidal again, all day long all I can think about is, just not being here anymore, and how much better I would feel, to not feel anything. I need some advice. DESPERATLY! please help if you can! What do I do?

You have got to get someone to talk to.Grief-someone dyeing,and also betrayal or hurt caused by a close friend are life events which NO-ONE no matter how strong,can deal with.When I was a teenager,things happerned to me which SOMEHOW I got through.It also involved a friend,my best friend,and a rape,and a beating,and I was traumatized.Also other things were happening,and I couldnt deal with any of it.No-one to talk to.My husband when he was young suffered grief terribly.Everyone nearly he got close to either left or died.He was also abused .He had no-one to talk to.We have each other now.And our buetiful children.------------------------------------------------You say you have been diagnosed bipolar,were on ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!of drugs,and felt better without them.Well,you know what is good for you,and dont let something that is a normal human reaction set you back.Like I said its normal to feel really really low when you go through $#%^.ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL HURT/SAD/UPSET/ANGRY and everything else.Give yourself permission.---------------------------Make sure you sleep well,eat well,and try and get someone you can talk to,like maybe a grief councillor?

Starry is right try to find some one to talk to, look in the phone book, see if theres any free hotline things i dont know if there is any where you live. There are some where i live so there might be.
i dont know what letters to check under for them...You could ask a teacher for one say some one you know is going though hard times. They dont have to report thigns if you dont give specifics.
Keep posting and talking here im sure it can help.
Good luck

I'm sorry for what you have been through. You need to talk to someone--a teacher, minister, priest, another health professional.

I was like you--young, pumped full of medication with the result of gaining over 100 pounds like you did. As a young person I hated having to always be the fattest person in the building--any building. I have written a lot about what you are going through on my website.
Good Luck,
Jim S