Sick of taking meds that don't really work.

It is 1:43 on Sunday april 23th. I can't sleep. My thoughts are racing. I think I'm starting to crash. It's been like this for several weeks know. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I was there once and I don't ever want to go back.
I'm sick of taking medication that dosn't seem to work that well, and has caused me to gain 70lbs in the last year. Know I'm hypergylemic, I told my docter I was just going to stop taking the Bipolar Medication, But she said no way. and that if she found out that I did she would be really mad and if my counsler found out she would flip out. But what could they do. they aren't me. They don't have to deal with this day in and Day out. If I'm going to be taking meds for the rest of my life, I would atleast like them to work and not have bad side affects. School is done in three weeks, but i don't know if i have what it takes to finish. I'm failing 2 out of the three classes that I'm taking. I started out this semester with Five classes, but dropped two of them because I was failing. I hoped that by dropping those classes it would help me bring up the grades in the other two. But I'm to the point were I don't even want to go to class. I just want to hide out in my apartment and not be around anyone. I don't care if I fail anymore. I just don't care. I want things to stop. I've tried suicide/OD about seven times before and after the last attempt. I told myself that If I were going to try again I would really do it. I think I getting pretty close to trying again. I don't know If I'll be able to do it properly because everything I do I seem to mess up and fail at anyway.
Life sucks.!!!!!!!

What meds are you currently taking, and which ones have you tried? There might be more out there, and -- I know how frustrating it is -- you might just need to try more to find the right combo. I take Lamictal and it works great for me. You might want to ask what other people use, and how it works for them to get a general idea of what could be helpful. I learned about almost all of my meds from recommendation from other people on forums. A few of them I would've never know could work for my conditions unless I'd asked others for info (and docs wouldn't have mentioned, since at least one was just starting to be used for my disorders).

I know how classes can be impossible when you're dealing with all of this. Meds can make it impossible to concentrate, or make you tired and unmotivated all the time, on top of all else. I recommend taking some time off for now. I have a few bipolar friends who didn't and have had to work really hard to recover a decent GPA. Even two classes can be pushing it too much (it was for me, last semester). My parents told me to stop stressing myself out needlessly about having to meet a deadline for recovery, and I'm really gratefull that they did. You can truly push yourself over the edge if you don't stop expecting too much of yourself for the circumstances.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this right now. If you ever just need someone to vent to or talk to in general, I'd be happy to give you my e-mail. It really can end, and once you're out of it you'll be so grateful that you didn't end your life... but I know that right now this all seems unattainable and meaningless. Please try to keep looking for more meds -- it was the only thing that kept me going when I was where you are.

I'm taking 200mg of Lamictal, 20 mg/Lexapro and 400 mg/ of Seraguel. Last year after I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and just getting out of the hospital they started me out on 600 mg of seraquel. But I would sleep all day, and I felt like a zombie on it, Eventually I had to have the dosage reduced. It worked for a while, but now I can definnitly see a clear line when I'm cycling between Manic and depression.. I think alot of it has to do with the stress that I've had this semester. First I broke my tailbone and was put on Darvocet, but the narcotic messed with my bipolar medication and I started to Hallucinate on it. I was messed up for a least a month after taking that. Then my Grandma Died in February. and I have an Uncle Dying of Pancreatic Cancer. The Docters said anywhere from five to six months, but it's already been three since the diagnoses, and he's starting to have trouble eating and keeping everything down. He sleeps all the time and has lost more than 80lbs in the last year. its really sad to see him go through this. I was over there this weekend. and I heard him talking about his friends and him are building his own coffen and the pastors wife of the church that he goes to is making a lining that looks like a quilt . The coffen is going to be made out of Log siding.
and Now I just don't feel like I have the energy to go to classes. I go to the college until about 1:00 everyday and work in the Academic resource center on homework and stuff and show up for my Math class, but after about 1:00 I'm ready to leave, I get tired easily and just want to leave. Plus I've had about 7 colds this year and everytime that I've had a cold I've ended up in the Hospital with severe Dehydration. Before I started taking meds I never got sick. and I certanitly never got dehydrated. I drink water all the time, but I can't seem to ward it off. Its like the plaque or something. It really sucks. ! And now to top it off, the side effect of gaining all this weight, (70lbs this last year)because of the meds, I'm also showing signs of High blood sugar, But I hardly ever eat. It's so weird. Sometimes I just get so annoyed.
When I was younger, I think I was in 6th grade I was diagnosed with Depression, They put me on Zoloft. I went up to 100mg, but it never worked, It just made me worse. THen they switched me to Paxil, That didn't work and then to effexor, that didn't work. Eventually I just stopped taking meds and for a while I was fine. At least I thought I was fine. My parents told me I was a pain in the rear that whole time off of medications. The summer before I started collage I was put on Lexapro at 10mg. It worked for a while. But it made me go into a manic episode, I wouldn't sleep, I was jumping off the walls hyper, and couldn't concentrate on anything.. Then December 6th of 2004 I tried to commit suicide, I overdosed on some muscle relaxants a docter had given me after a car accident and I had torn all the muscles and ligaments down my spinal chord. After the sucide attempt I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder and Post Tramuatic Stress disorder and my counsler thought I might have Reactive attachment disorder.
My life growing up hasn't been easy. I was adopted at the age of 3 1/2 but not after having to be in foster care from the time I was six weeks old untill the age of 3 1/2. My sister and I were not taken care of very well, They social workers said that they later found out that the place were we had been placed had kept us in a crib for most of the day with mine having a tarp over it and my sister's having some sort of netting over it. We weren't held, We weren't touched except to maybe change our diaper once a day if that. and Feed us with spoons through the bars of the crib. Talk about freaky. The people who adopted us weren't much better. We both got abused, Physically, mentally, and verbally. It was hell growing up. When I was seventeen I was raped. Then the last few years I've been laid off a job, Had around 9 people that I was close to die. and a whole bunch of other stuff happen. It gets to the point were you want everything to just stop. IT gets really sickening after awhile.
well I gotta go

If you want you can email me too.
My email address is Jannaquita@yahoo.com

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about all that you've been through, and are currently going through... I hope you give yourself lots of credit for attending college right now... alot of people would've just given up, not even gone in the first place. And you're doing better than me in terms of attending class... I usually skip class, because I can't sleep at night (get too impulsive). It's actually working out ok for me, but I miss not seeing the morning (or half of the afternoon).

I'm on 200mg of Lamictal right now, but just went down from 300mg. Apparently you can go up to like 400mg. Lamictal's part sedative, but WAY better than seroquel in terms of the zombie effect. You could possibly try lowering the seroquel a bit and upping the lamictal. What kind of therapy do you do?

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandma, and your uncles' condition... do you have other family members that can offer you support during this time? That's alot to have to handle at once.

Your blood sugar often gets high if you don't eat very often... it can send your body into a diabetic-like state when you do eat, since when you do eat your super low blood sugar spikes up, and you end up with high blood sugar. Not eating regularly also can make you more susceptible to getting ill, and will cause your body to hang onto it's weight. I've been anorexic and bulimic, and gained lots of weight last year when I became bulimic. I finally lost the weight naturally when I started eating regularly (and lots of veggies, too).

Antidepressants cause mania in bipolar people... our brains are wired differently, to day the least . And they don't usually do anything helpful otherwise. Lexapro made me really spazzy and out of it. With mood stabilizers you're supposed to respond normally to antidepressants, but it didn't change my reaction.

It's incredible how many abusive homes the state places kids in, especially for foster care. I have some attachment issues, was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder when I was four, but I was always way too anxious... I really shouldn't have gotten so messed up from what happened. So anyhow, I'm always really impressed by people who've had really intense abandonment things happen to them. Just living through all of that to today shows you're a very strong person.

I'll send you an e-mail this week... hope you're feeling ok. Finals are wracking my nerves right now.

Jessie

What do You mean by what kind of thearpy?
I see a counsler in my home town about once every three or so months while I'm up at school and then Once a week during the summer when I'm in my home town. I also see a reqular docter once a month or so. and a Pyschiatrist every four months or so.
I know I have finals in about two weeks, My Math final is 8:00 Monday Morning, (That's a bad time to have a final.)

Katie