Life ain't easy (Trigger)

My childhood life consisted of my emotionally and physically abusive mother and stepfather. They were so bad sometimes that I now have stitches in my head because of them. Then there was school, where I had bullies and people who mocked me for my appearance and hygiene, which was only a problem because my parents refused to buy me the things I needed. My friendships and love life were non existent, and any type of friendships I would have involved me trying to put my heart into it but them not being the same way. My social skills were terrible, causing very difficult interactions with everyone I didn’t trust (which was pretty much everyone). I suffered from low self esteem, which caused me to self harm and have numerous suicide attempts.

I’m out of the house now, and I had first moved in with someone who I thought was a good friend. Turns out he was completely crazy. He had a very violent past, filled with drugs and other various harmful things. At first it was all going ok, however once he started talking to his ex again, I feel like I just became a burden, that I was no longer his friend. Differences were setting us apart, and eventually I was hit by a car. When I was injured it was impossible for me to get a job, and because I couldn’t pay his rent he decided to kick me out on my own. I found new roommates at the last minute, one whom is a step brother of my “best friend’. At first everything was good, other than the moments here or there. And now, even though I’m paying my rent at all costs, they refuse to spend their money wisely. Instead of paying the bills, gas, food and other such necessities they’d rather blow it on junk food, going out to eat and other useless things. They don’t take responsibility for themselves or their house, and are childish people who blame everyone but themselves. Around the time I was institutionalized and then diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder it seems like that was when things started going downhill. It isn’t because of my disorder that this happened, it was purely coincidental.

Now I’m trying to get everything together and move out on my own into an apartment. I’m looking for a job, but it’s difficult because no one ever taught me how to drive and I have to bike everywhere. I donate plasma for cash, which at the most gives me $220 a month. I have no one who can help me out and my acquaintances makes excuses or are too busy living their own lives. My dream is to do something creative, whether it’s game design, animation, writing or music. But with me being in a toxic environment it’s very difficult to be creative. And what I start I can never finish which fills me with doubt and hopelessness. This is the only thing I have that separates me from other people, the only thing to keep me from becoming like them. I slowly grow weary of being the unfortunate one and having just the right amount of bad luck. I grow weary of biking, socializing, money and just society itself. I’m 21 but I feel like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer. There’s no point to live the other half of my life just to suffer more. Next time I go to the institution I plan to stay there for a long time or committing many plans of suicide/homicide. I just want to enjoy life and people, but the opposite is happening. Therapy didn’t help. medication didn’t help, gambling my time, health and money when I know deep inside I’m never going to get better. I know some peoples stories are worse but I’ve had enough. Last year I met someone online who’s able to distract me a bit from everything. Things were rocky in the beginning but now we’re fine. She too isn’t a fortunate person. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder, along with plenty of medical problems including a thyroid problem that is currently unstable. She still lives at home and has very bad parents, who are almost on the level of mine, but they don’t physically abuse her as much anymore. In terms of actually seeing her it’s a money situation and her parents won’t help. I would need a place to stay, and hotels are too expensive and I don’t have a car to get around. Her unhelpful parents wouldn’t help me. Driving for her isn’t going well, her parents are too lazy to teach her and only do it once and awhile. We are planning on moving in together later this year, rather it’s with my bad roommates or an apartment. her being here would be beneficial, however it will come with its own problems. We’ll both be carless and jobless for awhile. And depending where I live she may not be able to bring her cat, who she’s owned for almost 10 years. I suffered alone all my life, and it’s a different experience suffering with someone else. I didn’t give up hope, everything is so hard. I want money, but i can’t find a job. I want to drive but I can’t find a teacher and driving school is too expensive. I want friends but I’m terrible at socializing. These are things that I thought would flesh out over time, but now I feel that I am running out of time. Although it’s great to have, a relationship can make things harder. There might be things I’m leaving out, it’s just a hard life to live. I think one day I just might give up.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Hi Rob,

Thank you for sharing your story. You have had some very difficult experiences and I can understand feeling overwhelmed. Keep on going and keep on trying. If medication didn’t help, there are different meds to try. If therapy didn’t help, maybe you didn’t have the right therapist. I know access to affordable healthcare can be a problem sometimes tho. I’m glad you have your girlfriend to listen and support you, tho I certainly understand a relationship can come with its own set of problems. Whatever happens, we are here to listen and support you too.

*big hugs* and take care,
Jan

I too feel life is too hard. I've shared this with my girlfriend and family. I'm sad that you too feel like life isn't going to get better. It's a horrible feeling and there has been many times I've wanted to give up. I am on meds and I am consistent in taking them and I see a therapist regularly. I am stable now yet I still feel I can not handle life. I can't handle very many stress situations like most people. At this point I don't feel depressed or down but it's always in the back of my head that my stability today is only temporary. I don't understand why I have negative thoughts in my head when I'm doing the right thing by taking meds and seeing a therapist. I guess it is working since I rarely get any bipolar symptoms anymore. But I still don't understand why in the back if my mind I have bad thoughts. I have a journal that I write in frequently and it's usually about when I'm down or are having bad life experiences. I try to tell myself to also write the good things that happen but I forget. I automatically just grab the journal everytime I'm down, stressed or something bad happens. I'm trying. I have two daughters that I think of and that is what is helping me not give up. I hope things start to turn around for you. Try to stay strong.