Struggling Dad

Hello.

If it is not appropriate for me to be here, just let me know. I am a father of four girls. My first-born daughter was diagnosed bipolar as a sophomore in high school. She has been heroic in her management of her disorder and is at the very top of my hero list.

The medicine she has been on started causing some serious side effects. In an attempt to make adjustments- her doctor's attempt- we entered a full blown manic episode about a week and a half ago. This is the worst one ever. Sunday night, with her agreement (she is now 25) we admitted her to a hospital. This is a first for us, and it has been devastating. Right now, she is refusing to take meds, so they are waiting for her to crash. This is Wednesday morning. She has decided to go without meds "forever" but her doctors believe she will change her mind after the crash and that they will have her back on track within 48-72 hours once she agrees to accept them.

I want to do two things for now. First, I want to tell you how amazing I think anyone who is coping with this disorder is. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, myself, but nothing like what I have watched my daughter manage.

Second, i would like to hear from some of you. If, after my daughter crashes, she wants to try and go it without meds, I am tempted to support her. She has to find her way, and i see my job as supporter and cheerleader. I really think that right now this is about a loss of confidence in meds because of where we are, and a desire to not have to depend on them, and that we can probably overcome that. But I would like to hear from you. What could your father do that would make you feel most supported.

Thank you.
Daddyman4
Consumer 0


Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2013 1:00 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:46 am
Blog: View Blog (0)
Top
Re: Struggling Father
by Rob Que » Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:46 pm

^^^ try posting this here as well bipolar/

good luck...

I've went through similar periods of mania with refusal of meds in the past. If she does decide to do it without medication, make sure she weens herself off the medication with the help of her Dr. who gave them. As it can cause serious side-effects of Insomnia, Nausea and more nasty feelings like the flu. I would say try and keep in touch every day as much as you can. A lot of days it feels like a struggle to get out of bed for your daily routine. I can say also there's A LOT of medication if she does decide to continue with medication. Sometimes for Bipolar and any disorder it's hard finding the happy medium. It took me a few months or maybe almost a year to find a good adjustment. Having a great psychiatrist is always an A +.

Daddyman, your post brought me to tears....my dad died 5 yrs ago today, but i know without doubt he would have said the same as you about me in these circumstances.
You are doing everything right, just by being there. Support your daughter in the best way possible, listening to her and the advice of her Psych....but ultimately its down to her.
I wish you and your daughter well xx

Dear Daddyman,

same here -- tears in my eyes -- and I'm a big burly man who looks quite like that avatar pic.

It's a terrible feeling when you feel you are out of your mind. It's a terrible feeling as well when you feel you are but others tell you aren't. In a way, the latter is worse, for me at least. And sometimes I get this kind of tunnel vision which involves words like "forever", "never", "no way out", etc. It passes eventually, but it's very easy to hurt someone in this state.

I would say you're doing well. Be there for her, listen to her when she needs you, don't force her to do things against her will unless she is openly psychotic and a danger to herself/others. Which I hope won't happen of course. And provide lots of hugs. Hugs are an amazing medication. (Serious, there's research on that.)

Big hugs from Oliveira, who wishes he had a father supporting him.

You're doing the right things, and have the right mindset if you see yourself as her biggest supporter and cheerleader. It makes me very happy to hear that you asked her thoughts and opinions about going into the hospital before making that decision for her. So many people would just jump into action trying to do the right thing, but ultimately making things worse.

Daddyman4 wrote: What could your father do that would make you feel most supported.

I'll tell you something that my father did, and I just want to say that I'm not advocating this approach, but that at the time it was a really special moment. To understand this you have to understand my father a little bit. He was very loving and caring, but also very..."republican" comes to mind. -lol. He just had very strong beliefs and was very stubborn about sticking to what he believed in. His beliefs were very "right wing". I had struggled with mental illness since I was 13 and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals very frequently. I openly struggled with self harm which would tear any father to pieces to see their daughter purposefully hurting themselves. My father cared deeply and wanted what was best for me. Not knowing what to do, he was very adamant for a long time about following what the doctors and therapists told me and advised for my family. This included a lot of medication, at times my bedroom door would be removed and I had no privacy, room searches, body searches etc.

So to paint a quick picture, think of this very right wing guy who has always chosen to go along with doctor's orders to the T.

After years of this, one day my father and I were alone and he suddenly turns to me and says, "Why don't you just try smoking some pot? Maybe that will help?"

It was so out of the blue, and so not like him it just made me realize how much he just wanted me to have some relief. It was hilarious and made me extremely uncomfortable, but I just remember it as this really sweet moment. (Dad didn't know that I had smoked pot for a couple of years at this point, but that's beside the point)

So anyways, that's my story. As I said in the beginning, I think you're doing all the right things by just being her supporter and cheerleader. Support her in her decisions even if they seem like the wrong ones. That doesn't mean that you can't let her know you feel they aren't the best decisions, but support her in her choices. It will help make the two of you stronger vs pull you apart.

You sound like you are a wonderful Dad.

My Dad died when I was 8 but I would hope he would be like you in terms of handling bipolar illness

I think the main thing to do is to support her - be there for her no matter what and let her know there is a secure base for her. I think that security goes a long way. Dont be afraid to be strict with her too tho and tell her what you think but make sure she knows that whatever she decides you will be there for her. You sound like you will do the right thing - trust yourself too.

Big hugs

Cracked

Thank you all for your responses and support. I wish I could say things were getting better. My daughter as escalated to the point where she is no longer makes any sense. In one sentence, she hates me, never wants to see me again and wants me to bring her sketch pad when I visit tonight. I get it that it is not her, but I am really ready to have her back. The words like "never" and "from now on" scares the hell out of me. She has not made sense for four days now, still refusing meds.

I just listen and comfort.