Leaving my Bi-polar girlfriend...

I'm 33, my GF is 28. We are together for 10 months now.

3 months after we started, she had an acute and severe manic attack and was hospitalized for a day. She was 100% healthy before that, and everyone were shocked when this happened (her family, friends..). She has no history of mental illness in her family.

For some odd reason, I did not break the relationship with her (even though it was so fresh, just 3 months then), and decided to support her anyway I can.

For the last 7 months, it has been a roller coaster. After the first manic attack, she received anti psychotic drug (zypraxa) and slowly returned to normal. 1.5 months after the first manic attack (when she totally got back to herself), the doctor tried to take her off medications, and a severe manic attack started 2 days later. The doc then said this is probably a chronic mental disease and not a one time thing. Since then, every several weeks she get a manic attack (there is always some triger), and then slowly go back to herself within 2 weeks.

When she gets a manic attack, at first she start to talk a lot, doesn't always make sense, can't sleep, and eventually (after 1-2 days untreated) she simply starts to scream (she say that's the only way to ease the storm in her mind).

She doesn't stop telling me how greatful she is that I'm with her. I think that she loves me more than anything in the world, and that I'm one of the main reasons she is still motivated to get better (she lost her job because of this). She is really a great person and I love her. I think this whole situation brought us more together. The thing is, I don't think I can take this anymore. I can't see any future for us, I can't live like this... She might start taking some mood stabilizer like lithium and things might get better, but they might not... (not mentioning Bi-polar is something I have in my family, so the risk for our children having this is not small).

How do I leave her, when she's in such a fragile situation, without devestating her ? will she be able to take it ? I don't want to leave her, I want her to get better, but I'm waiting for 7 months doing everything I can to help her, and I'm simply out of patience... She just started another manic episode 2 days ago, and I can't take it anymore...

Hi and welcome

I understand it must be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has BP particularly if it is unstable. Only you can decide whether you can stay in this relationship. What I would say is that it does not sound like she has had a lot of trials of different treatments and for some ppl it can take a while to find something meds wise that works. It might be that it would be worth encouraging her team to look more into this as she may well then become more stable. If you still decide to break up with her jsut tell her straight tho. It is going to hurt however you do it do straight and to the point is probably best

Cracked

Thanks for your answer CrackedGirl,

You are correct that more can be done to make her stable, medication was.

The situation is rather "simple": up to now she only took zypraxa which is an anti-psychotic drug. This drug is effective in treating her mania episodes, but not her depressions (which are not as catastrophic as her mania's, though). She and her family have an "anti-drug" attitude, so they try to lower the concentrations of the zypraxa to the minimum, and cut it off completely when she's fine. The problem is, that without zypraxa (or even with very low concentrations of it), she is prone to develop mania from all sorts of triggers (and this is exactly what happens now. And everytime she develops mania, it takes her two weeks to get back to normal).

I think that once her family realise this can't continue like this, she will have to take a mood stabilizer like lithium or lamictal, probably for life. Then she might get stabilized for a longer period of time.

Still, even if she will get stabilized for longer periods of time with mood stabilizers, I have concerns:
1. Mood stabilizers are problematic when pregnant (might have bad effects on baby development), especially Lithium, which seems to be the correct stabilizer for her (since she's so manic).

2. There is bi-polar disorder from my father side of the family (his mother and him both have bi-polar disorder), and this raises the chances significantly for our babies to have this too.

3. I fear the unknown with her condition. I'm not a wealthy guy, we'll both have to work to support our living, what will I do if after having a child her condition will deteriorate ? how will I support us alone ? everything might fall on my shoulders... I know these thoughts might sound "cold", but I'm simply trying to prevent catastrophic events in the future...

I feel like I see no future for this relationship (for the reasons I've mentioned above), but on the other hand, I can't get myself to break up with her (both because I'm afraid this will devestate her, and also because I love her and want to be with her).

I'm simply stuck.

RichardD, why don't you just say honestly you don't want a bipolar girlfriend. I've had a boyfriend break up with me because I got depressed and trust me, there is no way to 'not devastate someone in such fragile situation'. It can take years to get the medication right, you stuck with her for seven months and you've decided that's enough. You've got bipolar in your family -- I assume this means you know what this illness can be, how easy it is to get the medication right, etc.

You seem determined to leave but you don't want to devastate her? Fine. Go to her and tell her you don't want a bipolar girlfriend, then take all the blame. She's hardly at fault for being ill anyway, and you say you love her and she's a great person. You just don't want to plan your future with someone ill. Say it out loud and take all the blame. You will devastate her anyway, but at least she can tell her friends "he's such a bastard" rather than "I'm such a failure".

oliveira,

I don't see how me telling her I'm breaking up with her because she's sick, will be a good thing. She'll just think that she'll never find anyone while having this situation, and the last thing I want is to break her spirit. I don't want her to feel flawed.

I thought of telling her that since we both have it in our genes, it will not be responsible to have children together, and that we both need to find partners who do not have this in their families... She will be devestated, yes, but at least she won't feel any more flawed than I am... hopefully...

Hmm, so how are you sure that you are infact not bipolar? I mean sometimes it can be there and just not be apparent for some time?
How would you feel if you suddenly found yourself in the same position? Would you expect your partner to leave you?

The truth is, you should be a little more understanding, you've not said in any way how her moods have afflicted you in a terrible way, and you are talking of leaving her.

So do it, she deserves better.

You also gave excuses as to why leaving her is the right thing.

When women have children, they usually don't return to work straight away, they often prefer to be at home with their child, many until their child is in full time education. many more women are also staying home with their children until school age because child care costs are around the same as their wages.
Which would leave you supporting the family for five years anyway, regardless of mental illness.

I would also like to point out that if I had realised the full impact that mental illness could have on a persons life, knowing that I even had bipolar in my family, I would not have had any children- but speaking as a mother to a beautiful five year old I will tell you, that I've come to terms with the fact that bipolar may be something my daughter has, and that I am more than able to spot the signs of her being Ill, and if that day ever comes I will make sure that she is taken care of (willing or not)

To blame her being bipolar isn't fair, the real excuse is you. Her illness could be worked around if you were willing to help her work around it.
I'm not disagreeing with your decision to leave though, if that's how you feel, then that is how you feel, and you would hold it against her in the long run.

-- Sat Feb 23, 2013 10:31 am --

Hmm, so how are you sure that you are infact not bipolar? I mean sometimes it can be there and just not be apparent for some time?
How would you feel if you suddenly found yourself in the same position? Would you expect your partner to leave you?

The truth is, you should be a little more understanding, you've not said in any way how her moods have afflicted you in a terrible way, and you are talking of leaving her.

So do it, she deserves better.

You also gave excuses as to why leaving her is the right thing.

When women have children, they usually don't return to work straight away, they often prefer to be at home with their child, many until their child is in full time education. many more women are also staying home with their children until school age because child care costs are around the same as their wages.
Which would leave you supporting the family for five years anyway, regardless of mental illness.

I would also like to point out that if I had realised the full impact that mental illness could have on a persons life, knowing that I even had bipolar in my family, I would not have had any children- but speaking as a mother to a beautiful five year old I will tell you, that I've come to terms with the fact that bipolar may be something my daughter has, and that I am more than able to spot the signs of her being Ill, and if that day ever comes I will make sure that she is taken care of (willing or not)

To blame her being bipolar isn't fair, the real excuse is you. Her illness could be worked around if you were willing to help her work around it.
I'm not disagreeing with your decision to leave though, if that's how you feel, then that is how you feel, and you would hold it against her in the long run.

Hi Sadstace,

You've raised good points, and I would like to address them.

Hmm, so how are you sure that you are infact not bipolar? I mean sometimes it can be there and just not be apparent for some time?

You are correct. I can't be sure. All I know at the moment is that I'm 33, and my mood has been stable, up to now. I have my father's genes, but hopefuly my mother's genes are compensating.

How would you feel if you suddenly found yourself in the same position? Would you expect your partner to leave you?

Of course I'll hope my partner won't leave me, and btw, this doesn't have to be bipolar disorder, there are enough disorders,sicknessess and accidents that can happen to us... This is part of the reason (just part) of why it's hard for me to leave, I want to treat people like I want them to treat me in the same situation.

I will understand my partner for wanting to leave, but it will hurt like hell, especially since I'll fear this condition will make me alone forever. This is why it is very important how my partner will break up with me, if she'll tell me that she also carry a gene for this condition, and that this significanly increases our chances of passing it to our child, than I might take it better. Might.

The truth is, you've not said in any way how her moods have afflicted you in a terrible way

Let's take yesterday as an example. She is off medications for 10 days now (she lives with her parents btw, and we are living 30min driving from each other). 2 days ago, while talking with her on the phone, I've noticed she is starting to develop the very early signs of another mania episode (talks too much, her language becomes just a little bit more foul...), I immideatly called her sister so they'll make an appointment with the psychiatrist, since every time she had these early signs, 2-3 days later the mania becomes so severe, to psychotic levels. The psychiatrist booked her for sunday, and I knew she won't make it through this weekend. Yesterday I came to her for dinner, the mania caused her to act like she's drunk, she talked all the time, told embarrassing things in front of everybody... her mother told her to please pay more attention to what she say, but it didn't help much. Then we went out to a movie, in the movie, even though it was a light commedy ("The guilt trip") she was extremely emotional. Then when we headed back home, the mania started to shift into psychosis, all her happiness started to turn into feelings of fear and anger, she started to talk about bad events from her past (nothing that she can't cope with when she's normal, but now everything seemed like the end of the world for her) and to cry, and to yell and to curse people who did "bad" things to her (became totally paranoid), and she said she's losing it and told me her brain is taking over herself, and cried and yelled. I called her family from the car and told them she must get zyprexa now, and this can't wait until sunday. She didn't want to take the medication first, she told me that by taking the pill now, she will be going backwards and she'll never get better this way and that she fears I will leave her. I calmed her that I won't leave her, and that she must take the medication in order to calm the storm in her mind. She finally gave up and agreed to take the pill (her mother didn't want her to take the pill either, but when she saw just how bad things are, she changed her mind). She got zyprexa and in 20 minutes things became much better. She still acted like a little child, but the yelling the crying stopped.

From past experience, now with pills she is going to slowly get back to herself in the course of about 10-14 days. During these days she won't be totally herself. She'll talk a lot, she'll be forgetful, her common sense will suffer, she'll be reckless. I've gone through this at least 6 times by now, so I know exactly what to anticipate.

The truth is, you should be a little more understanding... So do it (leave her), she deserves better.

As I earlier said, she got her first manic attack when we were just 3 months together. She was hospitalized (since it shifted into what seemed like a psychotic attack). I think many if not most of the guys in this situation would have left on the spot. I stayed (actually went to the hospital with her and her mother, her father couldn't come since it was too hard for him emotionally to see her like that). Not only that I stayed, I've came to visit her every day in her long first recovery even though I work from morning to night. I've arranged her to be a patient of my father's psychiatrist which is one of the best (and is fully booked weeks in advance). I've made daily long talks with her and clamed her that things will be alright. I stayed through 5 more manic episodes and their slow recoveries (and all the side effects from the zyprexa, like weight gain, etc.). I've supported her when she had to give up her job, I supported her and guided her into a less demanding job which will fit her better these days. I'm in weekly contact with her sister, and we update each other about her condition. I really don't see how much more supportive or understading a person could be. I'm doing everything that I can for her, but what about me in this process ? is this a normal 10 months old relationship between a man and a woman ?

When women have children, they usually don't return to work straight away, they often prefer to be at home with their child, many until their child is in full time education. many more women are also staying home with their children until school age because child care costs are around the same as their wages.
Which would leave you supporting the family for five years anyway, regardless of mental illness.

True, but at least when she's home, she can raise the children and do the house work. But what if she needs help herself ? I will need to provide financially, raise the children, care for her... this scares me.

I think this whole situation is simply a tragedy. There is no one to blame here. She is an amazing person, and what happened to her here is everything but her fault. I'm a supportive and understanding guy, and will do everything in my powers for those I love. But my powers are running down, and I fear the future.

I wanted to share that I am not officially diagnosed with bipolar and there is no known history of it in my family that I know of. Depression yes. I have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. My problems with moods didn't happen as severe until my third child was born. I got my tubes tied because I was terrified of not being able to handle another child. I wanted my husband to leave me but he stuck by and 7, that's right, it's 7 years later, I am better. Not perfectly well, but much better. I have lots of low moods. Some ups and I spend our money unwisely. Wreckless is how my psychiatrist explains it. He has stuck with me through thick and thin. I sometimes believe it was for the kid's sake or he knew I might not make it on my own. I was very sick. So it takes a lot to trust in the future. I just know I don't know what I would do without him. I also hire a cleaning person every so often when I can't keep up with the housework. At least in my case you don't know what life holds for you and it can be scary and very unpredictable like mine was. In most people's eyes I have it made I don't work, I can spend on myself, I have a cleaning person help me. Yet I suffer daily with depression and all that that entails. My life is not easy. Your girlfriend's life is not easy and the only thing I wish for her is just to push her to take care of herself the best that she can and have some type of support system like therapist and psychiatrist at least. But in my opinion you should just break up with her and be honest with yourself. You also only have one life to live. It's one thing to be married and bipolar but to just be together for a year or near a year I don't know the commitment level you can count on. Just my opinion.

As someone who is bipolar and married, I can speak to this issue a bit.

It sounds like you've been supportive and like you really care about her, but if you don't think you can do this long-term, you probably need to leave her, for both of your sakes. If she gets on the right medication, then things might be great, and she might be completely fine most of the time, and any issues she does have might be totally toned down. However, if you're worried about children, and are already so worn out in general, it might be about time to end it, which is never pretty, and will be incredibly difficult for her, and likely for you, too.

The thing is, she's going to need someone who can help take care of her from time to time, and it sounds like you need a relationship in which the role of caretaker isn't dropped on you quite to that degree; this doesn't tend to go away, though medication can successfully mitigate it a great deal. I've been with my partner for four years, married for two, and we've had some intense, horrible times, especially before my diagnosis. He has issues, too, though, and we're both good caretakers, so we watch out for and understand each other; unless we're both having severe "up" issues at once, we're very well equipped to pick up the slack when one of us isn't well, enthusiastically and empathetically. Without that sort of understanding and commitment, I think we'd both be wasting our time and be miserable.

We're also not going to have biological children (he's fixed), because we don't want to pass on our genetics, and also because we both have strong feelings about the ethics of reproducing when there are still children without families. However, knowing as much as I know about this disorder, as much as we both know, we'd be much better equipped to watch and care for a bipolar child than say, my parents, who were in denial about my mother's condition (and that of most of her family) and insisted I was too smart to have anything wrong with me.

Like I said, though, bottom line is that if you don't feel equipped to handle this long-term, then don't. You'd be doing both of you a disservice to stay.

Thanks for your replies Quietgirl and Lexicon.

Lexicon,
I think the reason I'm so worn out is because for the last 7 months since this began, she had about 6 episodes of severe mania (which sometimes ended with a psychotic attack). Each mania episode didn't end abruptly, rather slowly faded away into depression (then mania again). If I take all the days in those past 7 months, that my girlfriend really been herself, it doesn't sum up to more than a month. So in 7 months, I got 1 month of my girlfriend, and 6 more of something else, something I didn't fall in love with. And thinking we were only together for 3 months before this happened, you see that most of our relationship is dealing with this bipolar situation, in its most ugly form.

I might be able to deal with this long term, if some treatment is found which will give her stability. And still, I will be worried about our children getting this.

This is the toughest situation I've ever been in.