Am I bipolar? I don't understand...

Hi, my names Stace, I'm 22 years old, and I have a five year old daughter and partner who Is the most supportive man than I could ever hope for, I say this because looking in from the outside, I have no reason to be the way that I am.

I have been down for the past year I would say, I thought it was three months, then counted back five months and my partner counted even further back, and seeing as he is often the one that deals with the mood swings I should take his word for it.

My dad is bipolar, and a friend that I was close with for a while was also convinced I am bipolar, though I went to a doctor and honestly for the life of me I can't remember whether he was a psycologist or psychotherapist- it was at the end of 2010, and I found him to be very patronising, which made the days that I didn't feel like getting out of bed to face the world worse, and he went from being certain that I was bipolar to me being ok because I didn't attend some of my appointments.

He also gave me carbamazepine and told me that there was no way that it could make me feel better (at the time I wasn't taking it steadily, but taking 500 or 600mg when I felt down and just wanted to sleep the day away) and he put all of my problems down to personality.

I haven't seen a manic episode in my life for so long, but I have hoped I would, otherwise I do not leave the house on my own.
I love the feeling of being manic, I feel so much healthier, like I am deserving of friends, like I can do anything I want, I'm not scared of people hurting me. I'm in tears as I write this because I feel the complete opposite of what I've just explained.
I feel like $#%^, and I'm scared of going out on my own, because I don't have it in me to fight at the moment, I have no energy, I have no motivation. All I do is eat, rest and feel like people want to hurt me.
I stay up most of the night, to make sure no one comes in the house at night, I know what the world is coming to, I know that there are paedophiles on our street, and I know it was a stupid idea to paint Courtney's room pink, because I'm then advertising its a little girls room. My partners found me looking round the house with a kitchen knife before, I'm convinced the guy down the road will come in here one night, and I will kill him.

I'm struggling to keep on subject still, even though I'm a lot better than I was last week.
I feel like I have no soul, it's like there's nothing in me, just emptiness, I had a business as a beautician, I haven't worn make up in asking as I can remember, the hair extensions I love so much haven't been worn in so long... Make up isn't even a thought anymore. Neither is changingy clothes or washing my hair.
If I do go out I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a tramp, If people laugh then they must be laughing about me. Any noise around me feels like its surrounding me, and that makes me nervous, and I get racing thoughts, I hate being out.

I actually got myself out last week, it wouldn't have happened of it wasn't for matthew taking me to the doctors, I was in there for a few minutes, said I needed some carbamazepine (I know it made me calm down a little before) and burst into tears telling the doctor how I'd recently lost a job, and that's partner has to do everything, because I forget everything I try to do and when I finally sleep my daughter is up for school and matt gets her ready and wants me to sleep because if I sleep properly I will be better.
He gave me the tablets and told me to come back in three weeks.
I don't want to go back to the wretched man I saw before, I didn't feel safe around him.
I'm really struggling to explain myself at the moment, I'm trying to keep on subject and not forget anything (especially appropriate words) but I hope you get the gist.

I have also lost 2 jobs and my business in the time that my moods have been the way they are, I'm sometimes verbally abusive/violent to people. It's not something that I feel I can help, it happens when I feel threatened I think, I've never gone upto someone for no reason. I am scared of that happening which is why I tend to stay in when I'm unwell, Ive wanted to punch the lady at the toll in sainsburys before because I've convinced myself she was thinking I was a tramp.

Am I just imagining this?

Hi Sadstace! Welcome to the forums!

Sadly, I am not a doctor and anything said here is pure speculation, personal experience and not to be taken as medical advice. Given all of that you sound like you alot of the same symptoms I've been having. Mainly it's the unsaid that I'm seeing that is similar and correct my if am wrong on any of these points. You're very confused right now, you can't adequately explain how you feel because the words just don't seem to fit. From what I've seen quite a few people on here say this is one of the worst parts of mental illness, that you can't really determine if you have it yourself. Trust you partner! You're lucky to have someone close to you that knows you well, ask him! I can relate to the focus issues, as I have tabbed out several times while writing this ! As for your doctor, if you don't trust him find another one. It is vital you can be open and honest with your doctor if they are going to be able to treat you, get your partner in on the sessions too as he may be able to provide useful insight.

Good Luck!
~Yorick

Thank you do much Yorick!
In so sorry you feel this way, it is truly painful when life becomes the way that it has been for me lately, and I think we possibly feel the same.

I do try to explain the way that I feel often, but I always find it easier to completely relate to the way other explain themselves... It's like the words keep running away.

I am very lucky, I really am because my partner does so much for me, and I'm often awful to him. I shout and scream and get angry- and he stays calm and takes so much care of me, as well as looking after my daughter like she's his own. I have eternal respect for him, just a shame I can't always show that.

I've been so scared of feeling the way I did last time I tried to get help, but after this episode I know that There's no other option than going on medication and embracing the help.

How have you been today?

Have you shut everyone out too?

Hey! As for feeling this way, it's better than where I was before. It's feeling I was suppressing my emotions to a large degree and just blaming the leftovers on other things. As for how I feel today, apart from finding a trigger and the pain associated with that I have been Awesome! In a manic episode right now and while it is not any way to go through life it's good. I have shut everyone out in a way. I don't have an official Dx yet so I'm not really talking about how I feel with family and friends until I do... In April.... . Hope you start feeling better soon! Remember we're always here if you need to talk!

Yorick wrote:Hey! As for feeling this way, it's better than where I was before. It's feeling I was suppressing my emotions to a large degree and just blaming the leftovers on other things. As for how I feel today, apart from finding a trigger and the pain associated with that I have been Awesome! In a manic episode right now and while it is not any way to go through life it's good. I have shut everyone out in a way. I don't have an official Dx yet so I'm not really talking about how I feel with family and friends until I do... In April.... . Hope you start feeling better soon! Remember we're always here if you need to talk!

You are so lucky, Ive never felt as good as I have when I've been manic, I'm naturally a people person and I become so sociable and it's a time I don't hate myself.
Unless I'm on an up I suffer from terrible self esteem issues.

I know I don't know you, but please take this one piece of advice from me, tell your family that you are struggling, unless they know they can't understand, and keep them in the loop, if your anything like me you can be hard to deal with, I've now only got two people around me, my daughter and partner (and that's cos they've got nowhere else to go) .. It's just good for them to know that you may struggle with them too.
Of you need to talk I'm here.