Psychotic, I need to relate. How was your experience?

Yesterday I was painting, it was a calm setting. Then I felt different and was hypersensitive to all my senses. I could feel all of my skin on my arms and hands at once (as well as parts of my face) and I started feeling panicked. My roommate looked at his phone to check the time, but I started crying because I thought that someone had died and his family was trying to contact him through his phone to let him know. I thought he was crushed by the information. (Mind you, he just checked the time then walked away to talk to his friends and have a good time). I tried to put my paints away which usually takes two minutes and it lasted forever because I had to stop to cry so many times. I was really scared. Just the feeling of panic on everything. I pulled one of my friends aside to try to get help but I had a hard time forming my words. Even worse, I had a hard time understanding him. I told him to talk slower because I couldn't follow what he was saying, especially if his hands were moving. The mirrors confused me, I see myself and I can feel myself on the mirrors side. (BTW I've been taking my meds diligently)

I'm writing this here because every time I look up "psychosis" it's always "hallucinations, delusions" etc. etc. etc. But nothing ever describes what I've felt (possibly because everything is just bullet points). My diagnosis has switched from Bipolar to Schizo-affective, but I don't know which one I believe. I don't know how other people experience this, so I feel pretty alone. I just need to relate.

I've had other psychotic episodes before, including paranoia that someone was going to kill me, but that's been pretty well documented, so I know that others have felt that way too. If you would, please let me know your psychotic experiences and if they are in any way the same.

Hi, AlmostPerson. I can not tell you how good it is to read your experience! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds so much like my most recent psychotic episode that I don't feel quite so alone.

Mine seemed to build up over a number of days with my hearing and vision slowly becoming much better and more focused. Everything was so crystal clear (visually), but I needed to wear my reading glasses in order to hear better (made perfect sense at the time). It finally got to the point one Sunday night that I felt like I was just living in a big box. Why do we need walls? It just seemed like the floors of the house extended right into the yard, so what was the need for a barrier? The colors on the TV were so vivid I could barely stand it. I was reading an article on my phone that had a lot of punctuation with question marks in it and they were flying off of the screen at me. I knew something wasn't right about this, so I went and sat on my bed and started writing in my journal, which I rarely ever do. Words just flowed from my pen. I could see my hand moving but it didn't seem to be me doing the writing. I would make mistakes in spelling, realized it, but could not make myself correct it. I finally decided that I must be dead because people who are alive just do not feel like this or experience this. I told myself, "Okay. I'm dead and I'm okay. If heaven is me, sitting on my bed with my puppy dog, watching movies and wearing my comfy PJ's, then that is fine." I went and talked to my husband and I started crying. I had to hold onto his hands so I could feel real. I asked him if I was dead. He told me I wasn't, but I still felt dead and told him so. I asked him if I had talked about committing suicide 2 years ago (which I did but not in those exact words) and he said no, I had not. That is when I totally freaked out! That meant to me that the past two years had not happened. I asked if I had been seeing my current therapist for 2 years and he said yes, I had been seeing Julia for 2 years. He then corrected himself and said I had talked about suicide being an option two years ago, he had been mistaken. That helped a little, but not much. I was crying, pacing the floor, writing in my journal and scaring my puppy and my husband. I tried to sit and watch TV with my husband. Big mistake as the TV is high definition and I just knew that the sports commentators on the TV were right there in my house - they were so lifelike. This intensity lasted about 5 or 6 hours. I was able to sleep a little and fortunately had an appointment with my therapist the following morning. I thank God she was able to see me while I still needed to wear my glasses in order to hear better (haha). I We sat on the floor and I had to keep holding her hands or touching her in order to make sure I was real.

I had been treated for major depressive disorder for 24 years. This lead to my diagnosis of BP II with psychotic episodes 2 days later by my psychiatrist. I had experienced auditory hallucinations in the past and a couple of mild psychotic episodes (I realize now) but this was by far the worst. So far reducing my antidepressants and adding a mood stabilizer are working pretty well for me.

I hope this offers you some level of comfort as your story does for me. And I pray your doctor can adjust your meds so this won't happen again, or at least not anytime soon.

Take good care,
Alice

P.S. You are a whole person.

Everything was so crystal clear (visually), but I needed to wear my reading glasses in order to hear better (made perfect sense at the time). It finally got to the point one Sunday night that I felt like I was just living in a big box. Why do we need walls? It just seemed like the floors of the house extended right into the yard, so what was the need for a barrier? The colors on the TV were so vivid I could barely stand it. I was reading an article on my phone that had a lot of punctuation with question marks in it and they were flying off of the screen at me.

This reminds me a lot of dreaming in some ways.

katana wrote: This reminds me a lot of dreaming in some ways.

It was as vivid as many of the dreams I can remember over the past year or so. Except I was awake. It was scary at the time but very interesting to look back on, especially as I was able to write a lot of things down as they were happening.

Hi Alice, thank you so much for writing back.

I know what you mean about the crystal clear vision and the television being too much. Everything is so sharp. I don't even like looking at photographs of people when I feel like that. It's too intense and everything is uncomfortable. Usually when people caress my arm or hair, it calms me down in most situations. But, when everything is turned up, it's just really uncomfortable. It's sad for those trying to help me because they don't know what to do.

Recently I've been seeing my doctor once every three months because I've been stable for so long (about a year). It was surprising because I've been doing everything in my power to stay healthy and then I get a psychotic episode. I always ask myself "Am I doing everything possible to stay O.K.?" If the answer is "no" then I try to change it. I was painting yesterday because I schedule "me time" so that I won't be as stressed. You can imagine how disheartening it was to be put in this frightening and familiar state. I feel ok right now. I just feel pretty drained and instead of intense sharpness, the world feels very dull. Which, maybe is a welcome emotion at the moment.

I really appreciate you sharing with me. You know, when I first got the diagnosis of "Bipolar" I didn't believe it. The "bullet points" (as I've mentioned earlier) did not ring true with me. It took going on the internet and reading ACTUAL experiences for me to realize it was true. I was looking for a post on the psychotic episodes so that I could find something to relate to. I couldn't find it, so I decided to try posting it myself.

Thank you And you take care as well

AlmostPerson wrote:It was surprising because I've been doing everything in my power to stay healthy and then I get a psychotic episode. I always ask myself "Am I doing everything possible to stay O.K.?" If the answer is "no" then I try to change it. I was painting yesterday because I schedule "me time" so that I won't be as stressed. You can imagine how disheartening it was to be put in this frightening and familiar state. I feel ok right now. I just feel pretty drained and instead of intense sharpness, the world feels very dull. Which, maybe is a welcome emotion at the moment.

It is so good that you know to take time for yourself to minimize the chances of these episodes happening. I'm doing that as well with yoga, volunteering and am looking for other outlets as well. It really is disheartening and frightening to do all the things that we know to do and then to have our brains go all topsy turvy and remind us that we can't control these diseases all of the time. That is great that you have been stable for a year. I just got my BP II diagnosis in November of 2012, so I am still figuring things out and having my meds adjusted. Fortunately, the things my therapist had been working on with me for the 2 years before this diagnosis are the same skills I need whether my diagnosis is depression, bipolar, or something else. I'm trying to not be concerned about what we call what my brain does, I'm just working to get a handle on living and thriving with this brain God gave me!

I truly hope you don't feel quite so alone anymore.
Alice

Almostperson, my heart really reached out to you here.... Very real pain I feel...

For the record, psychosis is basically ANY alteration of reality, not just the stereotypical seeing things.

Also, a delusion is a "belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary" -broader than your stereotyped "I'm queen Elizabeth" variety.

So, as you can see, people's experiences vary greatly... I get some hearing stuff.. Not exactly a full blown hallucination, but something close to that nature... The crackle of someones AC will be loud bugs in the wall, the sounds of the house created by wind will sound as loud as cats in the ceiling- I dropped a comb once and it sounded like a bomb went off. I also do "hear" things in my head, some chattering and singing. (This hasn't happened in a long time though.) But it sounds like a really loud thought or a vivid thought (like in a dream) than really clear voices. I have had loud voices saying scary things as soon as I wake up. Like my mind was still dreaming but my consciousness and eyes were awake.

I have talked to people in my head, but I didn't actually "hear" them, it just felt like I wasn't the one thinking, that someone else was talking to me, inserting their talking into my head. I would respond and they would respond back, but not in a voice, in quiet thought form.

In a full blown psychotic break, it's basically just me "napping" with my eyes closed, and a lot of people just coming at me that are dead, screaming loudly, helping me make really broad world connections that I couldn't have made in a normal state of mind, showing me their faces, at one point it was just one face super imposed on another superimposed on another, people trying to all give me messages, sing to me, like just all these people fighting for my attention, on a black background. Some were really evil and miserable, others holy and trying to get a hold of me to protect me. Sometimes that's happened on a lower level, I've sat there and cried believing that every minor sin I've done has caused some major heartache on another side of the world, (this is awake), I've just sat there and rocked back and forth and said "i'm sorry" over and over again over white lies and stuff. In these states, I often hear some chattering in the background.

It's really hard to relate to anyone on these psychotic things I think... just because it's so individual and psychosis has such a broad definition, but I just want you to know that you're not the only one who has these alterations that seem to be happening "to" you and not from something you did (like drugs.) It's scary knowing that this could happen at any time. (Well, for bipolar, it's in an episode only) and for schizoaffective, it's really any time...It's one of the most frightening things that can happen to a human. No rest for the weary.

Hi. I am new here but hope to find others to relate to my experiences. For me psychosis is more about auditory hallucinations and delusions, not so much about tactile. For me the heightened senses is the beginning of the psychosis, where sounds are very loud and music sounds incredible. For some reason my psychosis mainly revolves around delusions about my neighbors and others torturing me and talking about me. While in my apartment I can hear them talk about me 24/7. I also seems that every single person around me is talking badly and or criticizing me, especially the media ad television, which seriously may be partly true... seriously. It gets to the point where its unbearable and I need to leave the apartment or go to the psyche ward. Recently I had a major psychotic episode which I am still recovering from. The meds are getting things back under control but I have to move, needless to say, which I am in the process of doing now. I believe that my psychosis is getting back under control and once back in touch with reality things wont be so confusing.

Possible trigger

It has been about 5 months since my last episode and it wasn't too bad comparitively. I felt like the whole world was falling down around me, and that the people at work were plotting against me so that I would quit my job so they didn't have to fire me. I started freaking out and worrying that no one in the world liked me, my family hated me and wished I was dead and that my boyfriend was going to leave me because I'm so crazy. I started wanting to self injure so I went to the pharmacy to get my xanax filled but I had no refills. I clawed my arms up in the car and went home. My sister came by the house and helped me calm down and so did my boyfriend. I was under so much stress at work that they actually told me to quit and called for me to let them know I couldn't come back to work because I was so sick.

I've had times where I was sure my mother was dead or injured, but I was terrified to call her because it was 4 in the morning and I was sure she wouldn't answer even if she was alive so how would I know? I've also been convinced so many times that no one really likes me but are just humoring me or using me for something.

I've experienced this crystal clarity before as well, but hadn't thought much about it in the wake of everything else. I get super grandiose ideas and then when I can't fulfill them I crash hard.