musings

Hello bipolar forum,

I first posted on the gambling addiction blog but felt like writing about my life-long struggles with something called bipolar disorder. My official diagnosis, for which I am compensated by the US Veterans Administration (100% rated) and Social Security Disability, is bipolar I (rapid-cycling) with possible psychotic features. Most of the time I'm severely depressed with periods of wild mania that is ameliorated with medication. With the exception of my prescribed meds (currently 100mg geodon and 1000mg depakote) and an occasional "alcohol-free" beer that has trace amounts of alcohol, I have been "sober" since April 1994. However, I have a long history of poor relationships, impulsive spending, lending of money and compulsive gambling from which I have abstained only since October 2012. I have been hospitalized many times the longest being a 4-month stay at a VA psychiatric ward in 2006-07. My most recent stint was in October 2012 after a $700 gambling binge and a two-week stay in my bedroom. I only left to get something to eat and go to the bathroom. When I got manic I drove hundreds of miles to casinos in the US state of Oregon. During my recent six-day stay at an Oregon VA hospital my geodon dosage was increased and I was taken completely off zyprexa (I was on 5mg at the time). I have a very good VA psychiatrist but still have symptoms. My mood is irritable and I have great difficulties being around other people. My only respite comes from playing music in local orchestras and choirs. Even that can be a challenge. I haven't worked since 1998 though I did graduate with a music degree in 2002 at the age of 41 and did some masters-level work as well. The US Veterans Administration granted me permanent disability in 2004. I've been collecting Social Security since 2002. I've tried to find part-time work since leaving the hospital in November but was rated "unemployable." So I make do on a decent disability pension, much of which goes to paying off a huge debt that I accrued from gambling. I'll be 70 years old when I'm debt free (if I live that long-I'm almost 52 now). I've tried to get life insurance to pay off my debt in case I die before it's paid off but no company will touch me because of my bipolar and cancer histories. Yes, I'm a cancer survivor, too. I was diagnosed with appendix/colon cancer in late 2008 and underwent surgeries and chemotherapy. As far as I know I'm cancer-free as of this writing. I recently had a bad bout of colitis. Fortunately I have good medical care through the Oregon Veterans Hospital and have coverage though US Medicare (Part A). All my psychiatric care has been administered by the VA-I've never seen a private psychiatrist. I could never afford one. The VA has kept me alive since diagnosing me with bipolar disorder in July 1995. I was able to receive VA benefits because somehow someone connected my bipolar with military stress during my Navy days in 1984-85. I've had many guardian angels who have helped me during my life. However, it is frustrating to still be sick after all the medications and therapy. Well, no need to feel sorry for myself. A lot of people have life-long chronic illness that they have to deal with. Bipolar is one of my crosses to bear so I deal with it the best I can. The music has been the only good thing to come out of my struggles. I've been able to compose and perform at a high level all over the world. Now I'm just a volunteer player who has to "pay to play." Well, it's cheaper than gambling which cost me hundreds of thousands of US dollars during a 33-year period. My credit is bad and my family relations are poor. However, I recently visited my 71 year-old mother who lives alone in Arizona. She left me when I was 11 and caused me great emotional stress when I was a kid. I came to a relationship with God and forgave her a few years ago. We've had a strained relationship since I first visited her two years after she underwent brain aneurism surgery. I was going to move in with her in June of last year but backed out at the last minute. I went into a two-month gambling binge and stopped talking to her. It was like living in a blackout. However, the visit in December 2012 went pretty well despite my colitis.

Well, I must be manic because I'm rambling. I'm so lonely but I can't deal with people. I can't even watch television. I can't stand the voices. I hear rumblings inside my head and fear most people.
However, I have a nice apartment with lots of musical instruments and a decent car. I have a gambling therapist whom I will see tomorrow and a VA therapist whom I will see on Friday. My next appointment with my VA psychiatrist is in March. I have enough meds to get me through my next visit, then we'll review my status. Maybe he'll increase the geodon. I've been on depakote pretty much since 1995.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Sincerely,
Barnett
Oregon, USA

Hi, Barnett. You have certainly been through a lot. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope things went well with your new gambling therapist and I hope the rumblings in your head have quieted. Please keep yourself safe and let us know how you are doing.

Alice

Hi bamaalice,

Thanks for your response. I had a rough couple of days and stayed in bed. However I snapped out of it today (Tuesday 1/15) and went to an AA meeting here in Oregon. When I got home I received a letter from Social Security. They want to review my case yet again to see if I'm still disabled under their rules. I haven't worked since 1998 and last attended graduate music school in 2004 under the Veterans Administration's Vocational Rehabilitation program. I have enrolled in a couple of music performance classes at a local community college to stay busy in lieu of working. Sometimes I think going back to work would be a blessing if I could handle it but my moods are so inconsistent. When I was last released from the hospital in November I tried finding work and enrolling in a vocational program but was told that I was unemployable. So I don't know what Social Security will do. I filled out the paperwork and plan to visit the local SS office tomorrow morning if I get up in time. The paperwork is due February 12th.

Other than that I'm doing OK. I have another meeting with my gambling therapist tomorrow afternoon. I had strong gambling thoughts last night but didn't act on them. Instead I sent my mother some money to help her with elderly care expenses. When I last had a major episode in October I slept for two weeks and when I got manic I gambled 3 times and lost $700. Then I spent 6 days in a VA inpatient psych ward. The last few days were very similar to what I went through in October but the duration was much shorter without a gambling relapse.

So there you go, another day completed. Time for bed.

Take care,
Barnett

Hi hon

Thanks for posting - it does sound like you have been through a lot. I really hope that things get properly stable for you soon. I did wonder if you were a little high from your post - perhaps keep an eye on it. Anyhow welcome to the forum and I hope that you find it a supportive place for you

Hugs

Cracked

barnett wrote: Sometimes I think going back to work would be a blessing if I could handle it but my moods are so inconsistent.

I have another meeting with my gambling therapist tomorrow afternoon. I had strong gambling thoughts last night but didn't act on them. Instead I sent my mother some money to help her with elderly care expenses. When I last had a major episode in October I slept for two weeks and when I got manic I gambled 3 times and lost $700. Then I spent 6 days in a VA inpatient psych ward. The last few days were very similar to what I went through in October but the duration was much shorter without a gambling relapse.

I understand about work and inconsistent moods. I am looking for a job but am finding my unpredictable moods to be a major problem right now. And good for you for not relapsing and helping out your mother. Continuing with your therapist is a great step as well. Give yourself a big pat on the back and I'm sending hugs for the good work you are doing.

Take good care and I hope you make it by the Social Security office in the morning. I know the sooner you get the paperwork in, the better.
Alice

Thank you for your kind responses,

I did submit my paperwork to Social Security this morning and made my appointment with my gambling addiction therapist. I even went to church choir practice, though people probably wonder why I can't make it to service sometimes. I don't think they want to hear about bipolar disorder and depression. I was playing music at another church when I relapsed in October. I told the pastor about my problem and he wasn't very sympathetic so I changed churches for the umpteenth time. I still believe in God, no matter where I am at any given moment. I'll leave it to Him (or Her, or It, or Whatever) to help me during my life and judge me (if there is a judgement) when I die. In the meantime, I'll just keep on keeping on the best I can.

Take care,
Barnett