My Bi-polar, alcoholic boyfriend

I wasn't even completely sure where to post this because I'm dealing with someone who has so many disorders. My boyfriend (now ex technically) is bi-polar, has anxiety, depression and I'm not even sure what else. He is also an alcoholic. I've known him for years, but we only recently started dating and I found out he would actually drink excessively on a daily basis. He would always carry around a bottle with him as a means to deal with his anxiety. I've had to talk him out of suicide a couple of times, he went to the hospital and was put on medication. He also began seeing a number of doctors regularly. Apparently they were fascinated by the multitude of disorders he had and his genius IQ.

Eventually, he stopped going to the doctors regularly, but he did stop drinking as much. Still when he drinks, he cannot stop. He becomes a completely different person, a scary, mean, violent, angry person. He goes through different moods very quickly when he's drinking. From joking and giddy, to stone faced and angry, to putting me down and saying terrible things, to punching walls. He has been to prison twice on account of his drinking an violent behavior. He has never been violent towards me, but I absolutely cannot stand to be around him when he drinks. I just don't like the person he is when he's drinking, it's not him. I feel like I'm dating two different people, one is incredibly caring, loving and compassionate, the other is verbally abusive and twisted.

He is only on celexa for either the depression or anxiety, but he doesn't take it regularly. One week he told me he was taking them regularly and has been feeling great and I noticed myself, but the very next week he started acting very different. He was getting upset easily even when he wasn't drinking (to my knowledge), he said he was depressed and he began talking about suicide and his other violent thoughts. I was really worried about him and I told him I'm there for him to talk if he ever needs to even though I myself was going through a lot and he wasn't really there for me because he was dealing with his own problems.

I gave him a book on overcoming addiction and he only read 2 chapters. He promised me he would stop drinking, but that didn't happen. I had to endure one hellish night with him when he got drunk and made me go to a party with him. The whole way there he screamed at me and I had to walk in pretending I wasn't just crying. He told me he wouldn't drink at the party but opened a beer right in front of me and everyone so of course I couldn't do anything about it. Once he's drunk, he doesn't really care about anything and he does whatever he wants. He cannot stop drinking. It's very rare that he actually listens to me and stops drinking for the night.

The worst thing he did was ruined my holiday completely. All I wanted to do was be with the one I love, but he told me he was sick and vomiting then disappeared all night. I finally realized he lied to me and went out to get drunk with his friends. I broke up with him and went to get my stuff from him the next day and of course he was drunk (he binge drinks on the weekends) so he said some of the most terrible, hurtful things to me. Basically it sounded like he never even respected or liked me as a person, but he still assured me he loves me. He did say he will never stop drinking and just wants to sit in his room and drink until he dies. Pretty much every time he drank, we would get into a fight because he would just become a different person, but this night was the worse by far.

I've tried telling him to just please not drink around me or I don't want to see him if he has been drinking, but he would just lie and come over drunk or invite me over knowing he was drinking. He told me if he drank again to break up with him so I did. He had absolutely no plan for how he would quit drinking so I felt it was unrealistic, but he told me it would be easy. The day after the really bad night he told me he was sober for the first time in 2 days and could not stop crying. He said he felt so stupid and just wanted to die and he apologized for everything. He felt bad for being “evil.” This is what always gets me. When he's sober he is so sorry and just wants to see me and claims he feels terrible and never wants to drink again. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me, I saved his life and I'm the perfect girlfriend. His family is worried about him, but they don't really enforce anything on him as far as I know. He is dealing with legal issues and he is on probation. He has been court ordered to go to alcohol counseling and I've tried getting him to go back to his doctors regularly, but as far as I know he hasn't begun any of this yet. I'm pretty sure after us breaking up he is back to drinking daily again.

I guess I am looking for some support and ideas about what to do, how can I help him and does this sound like a mood disorder, a drinking problem or is this just someone who really doesn't care about me and I'm wasting my time? I believe he really is sick and I know he doesn't have many people supporting or helping him. His friends all drink and do drugs and from what he has told me they don't really care about him on any deep level and they don't care about his problems. For whatever reason, I care for this guy so deeply and I feel I'm supposed to help him. I was in school for holistic health/psychology and he came to me for help with his anxiety and completely opened up to me about his childhood and his life and when he said he wanted to be a better person, I truly felt this was sincere and from the heart, but he doesn't love himself and doesn't think he can do it.

I know a person can only change if they want to and he has to do the work, but for someone with such severe depression, anxiety, bi-polar and a drinking problem, how do you get them to a place where they can think clearly and begin to get better? This is an intelligent, amazing person with potential to do so many good things in this world, and I'm watching him dig his own grave. Any help, advice, or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Hi AngelicLotus,

so here we have an alcoholic, who is your ex, who doesn't even try to deal with his illness in ways other than by drinking, who lies to you, screams at you, ruins your holiday, says things that sound like he never liked or respected you, blackmails you emotionally into caring for him, and he has been to prison for violent acts he committed. What in this portrait makes you think he 1) wants to change, 2) ever will, and why would you want to continue helping him?

They say a definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. While it's an oversimplification, how many times did you give him a chance? 20? 50? 200? It doesn't matter if he is bipolar, anxious, depressed or anything else. You do not owe him anything, you did not sign a contract that says you will spend the rest of your life caring for him, and if his IQ is so high surely he does understand the need to get help, but chooses not to.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I hope you understand that it is not my intention to hurt you. You've been hurt more than enough. Make the hurting stop.

Big hug!

PS. http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/ ... lationship

He is technically my ex, as of a few days ago, but we still talk and have seen each other. He apologized for everything.

He has gone to see doctors, many of them, takes his medication, reads a lot of books on anxiety and other self-help related stuff, and has even tried meditation. He also cut back on his drinking while we were together. I'm not sure about anything else he has tried, but I have seen real tears and real emotion from him when he talks about certain things, so I feel he really wants help and is very unhappy. He seems to feel worthless and he holds onto a lot of negative feelings. I forgot to mention he may also have PTSD.

I'm not sure why you think he's emotionally blackmailing me, but I'm curious to know why you think that. I appreciate your thoughts.

So he has said many times he wants to change and I've seen small efforts here and there, so that's why I believe he wants to change. Why would I continue helping him? If it's what I'm meant to do then I will because I love him and I have compassion for him. If I was in his position, I would want people to show me some compassion, have faith in me and support me.

I know I don't owe him anything, I certainly don't feel like I do. I just want to be there for him, but I don't know how or what's the right approach. I've been through a lot and I've had my breakdowns, mental issues, anxiety and depression so I know what it's like and I know with him I am not dealing with a normal functioning brain. An addicts brain is literally wired differently, add in his mental illness and you've got quite a situation. I have never been an alcoholic, but I've known many of them and I can only imagine how terrible they must feel. I know on the outside an alcoholic can just look like a jerk who needs to get their act together, but for them it's not that easy. No one wants to be an alcoholic and hurt the people they love.

Yes I have given him quite a few chances. Right now I'm at the point where I have let him go, but I still love him and will support and encourage him when he shows progress with his drinking habits and everything else. And if he asks for help, I will be here. I don't want to be hurt anymore, that's true, but I'm not sure when I've hurt too much or haven't helped enough. If that makes sense. Thanks for your reply.

This actually sounds like a codependency or other enmeshment issue more than a bipolar issue. You actually may need help for yourself... He's going to have to find the answers for himself..

Hi AngelicLotus.

Truth is I reacted perhaps too strongly to your post, because I used to be in a codependent relationship myself -- following a pattern set by my mother. Seeing another person in the same vicious circle of "he's an alcoholic and he's been to prison but he has a heart of gold and he promised it will be different this time" is very painful to me, and I am sorry for you. But, just as he is the only one responsible for the situation he is in, you are the only one responsible for the situation you are in. The link on the bottom of my post talked about codependency, as mentioned by Anyone in the post above. Check it out.

Emotional blackmail, in your case, is quite simple. He pushes you away with his actions, drinking, screaming and being hurtful. Then he blackmails you with "I feel terrible, I never want to drink again, you save my life and you are the perfect girlfriend". Even what you say about him opening up to you about his childhood and his life is emotional blackmail in this context; he's ready to say anything that he feels you need to hear, as long as he doesn't have to follow it with any actual actions such as regular doctor visits, regularly taking his medication, reading the book you gave him or quitting his addiction. The goal of that is to make you stay by making you feel that if you go, and something happens, you are responsible. Which is NOT TRUE.

Unfortunately this doesn't work. He gets best of both worlds: he drinks (which he likes to do) and then he gets your support (which he likes to have). Since he has you around, there is no need for him to quit drinking. As with all addictions, the drinker can't be helped unless he wants to be helped, and I don't think this one wants to. Not yet. He has to hit rock bottom first, and as long as there's a family or you to take care of him, he hasn't hit rock bottom quite yet. "I'm pretty sure after us breaking up he is back to drinking daily again", you say. So be it. It is not your responsibility if this is the choice he makes.

No matter what he says to you, it is NOT easy to quit drinking. Drinking is an illness, and drunks surround themselves with the like (see: the bit where you talk about his friends) to feel "normal". Perhaps it's true that "everyone likes a drink every now and then", but I assure you not everyone binge drinks on the weekends. And definitely not everyone gets terribly drunk and says terrible, hurtful things to their girlfriend.

Codependency is a disorder in itself. When one of the partners is, say, an alcoholic, and the other is codependent, they solve their own issues by taking care of the alcoholic one. It's hard for a person like that to get out of the relationship, because the relationship satisfies their needs they possibly wouldn't be able to articulate out loud. I'd suggest that from your post you could do with help of a therapist as well. There is nothing wrong about it, and please don't feel attacked.

Feel free to ask me any additional questions here or via PM.

Big hug!

I just wrote a whole response and it was lost when I hit submit

Thank you for the information on co-dependency. I read the article and I don't believe I am co-dependent. I've already broken up with him and we weren't dating long at all. I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy, in fact before we started dating I was really enjoying just being single and independent. I casually dated other guys who raised some red flags and I cut them loose without a problem because I wasn't being treated right.

I take complete responsibility for my life and my own happiness and I don't feel like I'm responsible for him or anything that happens to him.

I do enjoy helping people, I've always been that way. It's very much a part of who I am and my spiritual beliefs. I believe in compassion and unconditional love for all, but I certainly don't want to be walked all over, of course. I have been to therapists in the past and I have been on medication, neither helped. Actually it made things worse. Once I found myself spiritually and began regular meditation and yoga, I've been able to overcome my anxiety and depression. I have been wanting to find a holistic counselor though for general help with my life and if they say I'm co-dependent or anything else well I will be glad to find that out so I can work on it.

I'm trying to figure out if there are any needs I'm fulfilling by "taking care" of him, but I can't think of anything. It's certainly something to meditate on. I always question the situations and people I attract into my life because I understand I'm the one who creates my life. I projected some sort of energy that attracted this person to me. Because I was in such a great place when we started dating, I felt it would be a good relationship because I had worked on myself and I was completely happy on my own.

If you have any other thoughts or concerns please do share. Thank you so much.

-- Sat Dec 29, 2012 7:58 pm --

Oh I forgot to add, since we broke up he seems to be more depressed and drinking more and I'm afraid me leaving won't really be a wake up call because his family completely enables him. When he got arrested, they bailed him out right away. He lives with them right now and they obviously allow him to drink. There's no way they don't notice he's drunk, it's always very obvious to me. They also tell him what he needs to do like go to counseling and his doctors, but then as he put it, they don't enforce it. Now this is just from what I have seen in a short amount of time. Maybe in the past they tried being more strict and it didn't work or maybe they are doing more than I'm aware of, I don't know, but I always hope they will do something about it so that I'm not the only one supporting his progress.