My Bipolar friend wants another baby.

A highschool friend of mine is Bipolar. Has been on meds since she was 18 ( 30 now) Is very good about taking her pills and generally copes well. But when she gets very tired of stressed she can sometimes have an episode,even with the meds. usually she ends up in hospital.

She had a baby a year ago. Had a post partum psychotic episode and was hospitalised for 6 months.

Her husband was working 14 hour shifts trying to keep his business afloat, and neither of them have any family. So I moved into their house to look after the baby. I had to quit my job and it was very hard. But it was that or lose the child to foster care.

She has done well since , only one severe episode which had her hospitalised for a couple of weeks. But she has had times of stress and nights of insomnia (baby teething) and I've had to stay with her and miss a few days of work.

So yesterday she says she and her husband are planning another baby, and she's so glad she has me " in case it happens again."

I don't know what to say. I can't do it again, I absolutely can’t. It was the most stressful , scary thing that I've ever done.I''m happy in a new job and I don't want to risk my livelihood again.

Obviously I can't advise her against having another baby , thats her choice. But frankly, I'm scared.

Her doctor has said its not a good idea. But if she does she will need a lot of support. She doesn't have many close friends and couldn't afford a nanny. The only " support" they have is me. Her husband seems unenthusiastic but resigned to it because she wants it.

I like her little boy but I don't even want kids of my own! I don't want to spend my whole life looking after him and his future sibling.

Help.

Hi, AlmostReal. I'm sorry you have found yourself is this position. I completely understand that you can't do this again for her. So don't. There must be boundaries in a relationship and you get to set and enforce yours. I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know your limits, such as keeping the job and life you have now, while still respecting her right to make her choices, good or bad. Let her know you will not do this again for her and then don't do it! Yes, we are bipolar, but we are still responsible for the choices we make. Maybe talk to her and her husband together so they'll both know that other arrangements will need to be in place as a safety net because you won't be able to catch them this time. As for what other arrangements can be made, that is their problem, not yours. I don't mean to sound uncaring, I just think you must take care of yourself and, by letting them know where you stand, they have the time to plan accordingly. She and her husband may not see that this is unfair to you, not to mention the child(ren). Putting boundaries in place and keeping them are healthy for a relationship. Place your own and you'll feel so much more content.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Alice

I agree that you need to have a sit-down conversation with her about this, and be honest about where you stand. That you didn't mind helping her out the first time, as no one could have predicted what happened to her after she had the baby. But she cannot decide to have another baby and expect you to do it all again. That is completely unfair to you, and it's affecting your ability to have your own life. These aren't your children, you are not their parent, you didn't choose to become a "second" parent to their children. She knows the risks of what could happen if she had another child. Now that she knows those risks, it's her decision - but tell her you aren't going to help this time. If she's going to ignore the risks, then that's on her and her husband, and on them only.

I also think it would be wise to talk with her husband as well. Your friend might not see the gravity of the situation, but I'd hope the husband would see sense in this. He should not ignore the risks just to make her happy, and if he does, he's just as responsible for what might happen. Boundaries such as these are crucial for relationships, and this is a huge crossing of the boundaries and will affect your relationship with her definitely if she has another child and expects you to do it again.

So overall, my advice is to talk to her about this and let her know where you stand before she decides to get pregnant again. Perhaps she'll rethink things if she knows that you aren't not willing to do this again.

- EGD.