Possibly bipolar?

My sister was recently diagnosed as bipolar, which shocked me because of how much our personalities/moods are alike. After her diagnosis I did more research and I believe I may be bipolar as well.. I'm still not sure if that fits though because I don't seem to go from one extreme to the other.

I'm not asking you to diagnose me - I know I would need to seek help from a mental health provider - but I'm curious to know if what I'm experiencing is anything like what you have experienced?

More days than not I am constantly on edge. I feel like I'm on pins and needles and the slightest little thing will send me into a fury. My boyfriend and I can be enjoying a meal and for the smallest thing I'll blow up at him and start yelling. At the same time though, I know in the back of my head that it's pointless and I feel awful for yelling, but it just keeps coming. Immediately after I finish I apologize. He doesn't seem to take it sincerely though even though I mean it.

Things that most people seem to be able to brush off and deal with are the things that set me off. It's small stuff. Like not being able to open a bottle will make me start cursing, throw the bottle and/or hit something. I seem to be really sensitive to sounds sometimes and just hearing someone's voice or small movements enrages me.

I'm always in a bad mood. Always feel like I'm on the verge of biting someone's head off. At the same time though, I kind of feel empty inside. I don't enjoy doing anything and don't have the motivation to do anything. I have all these awesome thoughts of things I'd like to do but never do (or I’ll start and never finish), like write a book, go skydiving (even though I'm scared to death of heights), start taking classes for a new career, etc.. I constantly have these thoughts telling me "do it, do it, do it!" but at the same time I lack the motivation to get up and actually do anything.

While I stay angry, at the same time I could cry at the drop of a hat – and do on a regular basis. One night I found myself sitting in the kitchen floor crying for no reason at all. I’m always agitated and sometimes can’t tell if I’m mad or sad. One time I got so upset that I was crying and literally pulled a small chunk of hair out (I say upset because I’m not sure if I was angry or feeling depressed).

Sometimes I will go for weeks at a time being able to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning and then be up at 5:30 – barely getting any sleep but being able to function fine the next day. I’ll get dead tired toward the end of the day, but by bedtime I’m wide awake, constantly preoccupied by something. I’ll lie down and think, oh I need to do this first and then get back up. Other times I can get in the habit of going to bed at a decent hour. And then sometimes I could go to bed as soon as I get off of work and not get up until noon the next day – and still be tired when I wake up.

I’m always thinking about something and have a hard time paying attention to things. I’m really bad at procrastinating because I can’t concentrate on something when I don’t have to have it done right then. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

I’m not sure if this is even relevant, but sometimes I get these crazy thoughts that just pop into my head out of nowhere. I’ll be driving down the road and think something like, “wouldn’t it be funny if I floored it and drove off that bridge, or into that tree, or hit that semi head on?” The other day I was cooking and I just got the weirdest urge to sit my hand on top of the eye (which was turned on high). I would never in a million years do anything like that intentionally, but sometimes I feel like I have to hold myself back from doing destructive things. I don’t want to do them (and don’t!) but I almost feel compelled to do them. I’ll think these things and immediately be like, why did I just think that?!

As far as the compulsions, I have recently gotten myself over $5000 in debt. It’s like once I see something I want, I’m going to get it – even though I know I can’t afford it – I want it so I buy it. As soon as I click the button to complete my purchase or slide the credit card, I feel awful for doing it, but it’s kind of a rush just knowing that I spent so much money. I also dropped out of college on a whim a couple of months ago (one semester away from graduating, too).

I seem to stay in a fairly constant mood, always on edge or agitated, but could scream and pitch a fit or cry my eyes out at the drop of a hat. I don’t seem to get in one extreme for long at a time. It’s like I’ll be fine most of the time and then just fly off the handle for a few minutes, then be back to normal. And normal still doesn’t feel normal. It’s like my skin is always prickling with anxiety.

I can usually reign in the anger when I’m around people (like at work) and nobody is the wiser, but when I’m around someone I’m comfortable with, I can’t control it as easily. It’s really hard to do anyway because my head feels like it could explode when I hold it in.

Does this sound like anything you’ve experienced? If not bipolar, what else does this describe?

A sibling having it increases the chance that you may have it. It does sound like you may need to get professionally assessed.

NikkiBear308 wrote:I’m not sure if this is even relevant, but sometimes I get these crazy thoughts that just pop into my head out of nowhere. I’ll be driving down the road and think something like, “wouldn’t it be funny if I floored it and drove off that bridge, or into that tree, or hit that semi head on?” The other day I was cooking and I just got the weirdest urge to sit my hand on top of the eye (which was turned on high). I would never in a million years do anything like that intentionally, but sometimes I feel like I have to hold myself back from doing destructive things. I don’t want to do them (and don’t!) but I almost feel compelled to do them. I’ll think these things and immediately be like, why did I just think that?!

These are called intrusive thoughts. Everyone gets them from time to time but most people just let the thought go instead of dwelling on it. If the thoughts cause you anxiety it's actually a type of OCD called harm obsessions. If the thoughts don't cause anxiety and you still dwell on them they're from depression. In either case, talking to a professional about it should help.

Maybe. The constantly on edge, chronic feelings of emptiness/sadness, super fast mood changes, overreacting (and then feeling awful about it), and self-harm impulses sound a lot more like Borderline Personality to me, though. You could have both, and there is a little overlap of symptoms, but the things I listed are generally much more characteristic of BPD than BD; the overspending and alternation of sleep schedules are potentially Bipolar issues, but almost everything else you've listed screams BPD to me. Of course, I'm not a doctor... but that's what I think.