Not Sure if I Want to Feel Normal

Hey, I have bipolar 2. I it has been getting progressively worse for a while, so I finally made a point to talk to a psychiatrist about it. I had previously been to her for ADHD, and she prescribed me Adderall. After I described to her the side effects (I'm sure you can figure out what kind of side effects a bipolar person would have) and my history of symptoms as well as family history of MH problems, she agreed I was bipolar and prescribed me a mood stabilizer (depakote).

For the most part (like 95%) I'm happy to finally get help and definitely happy to get an official diagnosis (so it's at least clarified).

But, a small part of me it seems is afraid that feeling "normal" would be way too boring, that at least without the medicine life's a little less boring. I know it's unhealthy not too get the help I need, and I intend to take my medicine, but...I don't know how to exactly describe it, but does anyone get what I'm talking about or had similar experiences?

Even though I'm DID rather than Bipolar, I think I understand a little of what you are talking about...

Personally, I think having lived with a long term mental illness usually for some time before it is diagnosed, that way of being gradually becomes part of our identity. The thought of being without that mental illness is kind of like imagining a totally different "you". And I think it's hard, it's hard to consider what it would be like to live without it because it's almost like the chaos of having a mental illness provides some sort of normality and sense of identity that we can depend on because we've always had it.

I think the fear is almost that being "normal" will be hard to bear. Maybe it will be boring, maybe it will be hard to cope with, just because it is a very different experience than what we've had before.

Anyway, although I have no solutions for you for this problem, I just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling like you are not sure if you want to be normal. I think it is something that lots of people striving for recovery of mental illness are concerned about. I think (and hope) that through talking about the concerns about what it might be like to live "normally", that maybe we will be able to get to a point where we feel ready to accept what it might be like to be normal and to be ok with taking the steps that lead to that place. I think talking through it with a therapist is helpful.

I think it is relatively common to feel like this when you have bipolar. Esp as the idea of giving up hypomania can be difficult to stomach because it can feel so good. I think you do get used to being more "normal" but I do understand where you are coming from.

Hugs

Cracked

Your'e so not alone in your way of thinking. I take my medication purely and simply because it stops me killing myself. (That is a hard a honest truth). But as soon as I have sorted my life out (have a stable job, possibly a stable relationship etc) I will instantly stop. In my opinion taking perscription medication is a way for people observing us to think they are helping us. When I'm prescribed Seroquel and I take it it changes my personality. It changes who I am, it stunts my intelligence. Yes it stops me comitting suicide but F*** no I will not be taking this for the rest of my life. As soon as I feel stable enough to get off the meds that change my personality I will. And don't you ever EVER feel bad about not feeling normal. And I mean EVER, because truthfully we are not normal, and that is something beautiful.

Def agree about how it has to do with your identity.

I've been seeing my counselor for almost two years now and so when she randomly suggested during a session once that I may not even have bipolar (why I started seeing her in the first place) I was devastated. I had just accepted that this was a part of me and then all of that was taken away. It turns out I am in fact bipolar, but even her suggestion has essescially ended of counseling relationship, since I can no longer trust her it seems. This becomes such a major part of your identity (especially since it is for the rest of your life). That takes a lot of acceptance, and so I think letting that accepance ago and undoing it is scary.

Being bipolar is the normal for me,I have no idea what you call normal is. I take my meds.I try to stay away from the public but to most people I'm wierd,nuts,crazy or a mainiac. I just cant shake all the bad things around me so thats my normal. I'm sorry to say but I think you need to get a second opinion, I dont think you are mantic.

I believe I have been mentally unwell for most of my life and would doubt that I really know what normal is and to hold myself to the standards of other people idea of normal would be a mistake. My only hope is to get well enough to not cause damage to people I love most in my life. I could care less that I don't feel as great or as creative when manic. Good luck to you, to all of you. I know the hardships of this road many of us travel.

I know how you feel, and like all the posters I have no idea what normal is and I don't want to. I'm on a maintenence dose of my meds now. I still get the mania and depression but it's much less severe. I don't feel like I've given up my my uniqueness. I still feel like my life is quite strange and people often tell me I'm crazy and I am but not in the devastating way I was before meds and therapy.

I hated taking seroquel but it saved my mind and eventually I tapered off, maybe once you stabalize you can talk to your doc about a readjustment on the meds so you don't feel so stunted by them. It's nice to at least be able to hold a little fire in your hands.