FIRST Post/PLEASE help

I want to THANK-YOU ALL for disclosing your stories and opening your hearts; it means the world to me ! This is my very first post here and I’ve found it VERY helpful, THANK-YOU!!!

I apologize in advance if this becomes too long but I REALLY admire the feedback I’ve seen and I am in desperate, DESPERATE need for support and advice as no one knows of my ravenous Bulimia.

I'm a perfectionist and it's REALLY hurting me. I have been bulimic for eighteen years and I can't stop . I feel so alone. I am so sad on the inside, but smile on the out!

I am lonely, I am scared. I am probably anorexic bulimic; the last time I reached out for help was fourteen years ago and that was because I got “caught ”. My bulimia is my life, I hate it ! I am now in my early thirties and have fallen in love, I want to stop. I was married once before but chose food over my relationship.

I’ve been reading all the posts on this site and cried so many times; the majority of what the others’ said REALLY resonated with me! My biggest fear is that I am too far gone! If I’m not at the gym or at work I am binging and purging. I’m hoping if someone out there who has been in similar circumstances can give me their success story, or anyone who has had it to this extreme.

I binge and purge, sometimes (OK maybe LOTS of times) all day and night, I couldn’t even give you a number, probably a hundred times; it’s just about all I do . The money I earn goes to food. I live alone, bought my home so it would be conducive to my purging. I had to get city sewer b/c I’ve had too many horrific incidents where I’ve over flooded toilets, broken septic systems, etc. I even have a locked room in my house where there is an extra fridge and freezer so when I do (which is rarely) have people over they won’t see ALL my food. This room is flooded with binge food.

I only know how to live this way; I haven’t lived any other way since I’ve been fourteen years old. I know my turning point for me is that I am in love and my fiancé and I are moving in together (he does NOT know, no one does). I love him SO much ; we’ve been dating for about two years now and I’ve managed to keep this hidden from him. I am hoping I can “heal” myself on my own without him knowing. I am not prepared to tell him, if ever. I know others’ advice has been to tell loved ones, but I just can’t.

I just spent over an hour carefully catching up on how all the other “members” were doing. I am always impressed by the small strides you all make, but it seems most DON’T give themselves credit for! I ponder…”WOW what would that be like to have the control that these people do”! I do however sometimes get frustrated b/c I feel I am no where CLOSE to recovering like the majority of you have done. OK, often I feel “Man, I am the BIGGEST failure HERE Geez!” I do try to counter these ruminating thoughts by making them positive, more rational. and find the little, and albeit VERY little LOL small steps as not to mind f#%K myself into a binge.

I have planned and unplanned binges which unfortunately sometimes (OK, just about all the time) will take over my days, my weeks, my months AUGH! Yep, I’m the Bulimic of EIGHTEEN years! It almost makes me feel as if I can continue doing this b/c heck I’m still alive, and it comes so “naturally” for me to purge ! It scares me that I’ve never used my finger, toothbrush etc…just ate until I exploded and bent over my porcelain “friend”! Sorry for the details but want you guys to know how hopeless I feel : ( I am at the point where now I just want to cut back and not quit cold turkey. I can’t imagine my life w/put having the “opportunity” to PURGE, I’ve been doing this since 7th GRADE!

I SOOOOOO don’t want to die though, god NO! I am in Love; I started to LIVE again and want/NEED to beat this on my own. I have “cut back” since I’ve been w/my Fiancé; I don’t isolate like I used to.
I am also in a field where I know professionally the Psychologist/Psychiatrist alike in this area. My father was an MD, and so was his Dad etc and unfortunately they DO talk about clients….not all, but some do! I hope the new HIPPA law will change this to prevent patient/client violation.Grrrr. I did however go to an MD close to two hours away to get a prescription for Prozac. This has helped ME some (EVERYONE is different) but I still continue to PURGE, and of course BINGE, and if I’m not doing that than I restrict.

SOOO Sorry this is SOOO long, I’ve been keeping these feeling in forever hence probably why I am not doing that much better!?! I have my closing on my home for Feb 1st (my goal date to cut back on my ED), and will be FULL time w/my Fiancé’ (YIPPEEEEE) on that date! We currently have our new home together under construction…FUN! He is AMAZING! I am more in love w/him now than a couple of years ago, and back then I was mesmerized by him!
I KNOW to beat this demon I need to do it for myself (& I “want” to) but I ENJOY B/P’ing to an extent…not what I LOOSE from it (i.e. teeth rotten-ALL veneers, root canals, broken bones, ill often, unsocial, etc. AUGH)! I even LIE to my poor Fiancé’ and tell him I have to work when I go to my home and spend the day and night b/p’ing! GOD I HATE THAT!!!!! : (

The GOOD news is I have been B/P’ing LESS WHILE I am WITH HIM (ONLY),

NOW yet ANOTHER PROBLEM to the mix---I started SUBSTITUTING OMG YES SUBSTITUING eating to drinking! I was always one to NOW yet ANOTHER PROBLEM to the mix---drink in moderation (no more than two glasses of wine or one pina colatta on a hot summer’s day etc.) I didn’t drink to get drunk (of course I can think of a couple of times I did in undergrad LOL), and when I’M b/p’ing I don’t drink at all and if I did it is just b/c I want to purge it (like an ice-cream mud slide) AUGH! I now find myself sneaking shots in my purse to refrain myself from craving to eat b/c I am happy w/my size…not my body of course, but my weight and size.
I found this “helps” me IF I KNEW MY LIMIT, but I don’t know my “limit” and there have been times I BLACKED OUT! I “FEEL” that I am cognizant before this happens but god knows I probably wasn’t! When I feel I reached my Max I tell my B/F I am ill and need to sleep. GRRRRRRRR!!!!

THIS for me was a wake up call and I made an appointment to see a Psychologist whom specializes in ED’s! HUGE step for me, HUGE! This therapist is two and a half hours away and I’m paying cash as to be sure my problem never gets mandated by a court etc. I can’t wait to go although I am NERVOUS and scared as ever! It’s next Tuesday at 8:00PM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

OK, Ill stop here cuz this is way too long! I am REALLY sorry for the long post!

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ALL! I LOVE reading about what you go through; you’ve all helped me so much.

My GREATEST gratitude!

BTW-I am not on-line everyday (sometimes will go a week or two) b/c I am SUPER cautious of going to this site w/my Fiancé or his kids around.

wow....i was amazed by your post, Kara...i can't even begin to imagine what pain you have gone through for all of these years. i, myself binge the way you do - just eat until i explode, basically - but not to the extreme that you described. how awful it must be to have something that major taking over your life - and hiding it as well. how on earth do you hide this from your fiance? and how do you plan to continue hiding it from him once you are married? i am very glad you made the step to try and get help. i would think it will take some heavy duty counseling to work towards healing - i know how much you want to 'heal yourself,' because god knows i've tried that for years and it never has worked for me - which, of course, only makes you feel like even a bigger failure. this is a problem that is much too big for you to handle alone. letting a trained counselor in is the best thing you can do...but have you considered telling your fiance? i know your first reaction would be no, of course not - but think how much better you would feel not having to hide so much from him - or your family and friends. if he is as wonderful as you described, surely he would give you the support you need. after all, you don't do this for fun - it is an actual, factual illness that you did NOT ask for. you will have to let others in and learn to accept help from others as well as learn how to trust. easier said than done, i realize, for i am struggling with these issues myself. i can freely admit i have zero trust in others and i loathe myself for what i have done to my body and self esteem. i am on prozac too. it helps with the depression, but i also have an obsessive compulsive disorder - i always spell this wrong - trichitalomania - which means i pull my hair out. there's another forum on here just for it; i've posted there! i have to wear a hairpiece to cover my scalp for all the hair i've pulled out. the prozac does little, if nothing for it. but it is good that you are trying medication - perhaps you can try another type that can help, though i am not very up to date on these kinds of things - you will just have to listen to your doctor. good luck on your appointment. i learned something from the shrink i am seeing now that i will pass along to you. i've seen them off and on my whole adult life without much success. the woman i am seeing now is amazing - we hit it off right away and i know if we had just met under regular circumstances that we would be friends anyway. give this counselor a chance - but if you don't feel comfortable with him/her and know you might never feel good - keep looking. it's tedious and tends to get pricey unless you have good insurance, but it is SO worth it in the long run. i had one guy once who never even looked at me - only his computer. he'd read a question to me that was on his monitor and when i answered, he would type it in. i don't think he looked at me more than a couple of times the whole session. it takes time. but think about this - if you guys are getting married - think about how much stress is involved in planning a wedding alone. you might be easing up on the b/p now, but it doesn't mean it will last. there have been times like that for me - i'll meet someone or something new and exciting will occur in my life and i will lay off the binging and even stop pulling my hair out. but it always comes back. if you've had it this long you can guarantee it's always going to be a part of you. one day at a time - it's so true. well, good luck and let me know how you are when you can!

Hi~

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself, too -- you have been taking huge, proactive leaps toward overcoming this demon. I find your bravery inspiring, particularly with how long and deeply this disorder has affected you life. It has gone beyond a habit to a lifestyle, and it's very hard to totally change your life; this is your adapted comfort zone, so leaving it is terrifying.

I know how hard it is to stop restricting and controlling your weight -- for four years after I'd let up on my severely restrictive calorie intake, and was at a normal (but low) calorie intake & weight, I still obsessed and worried constantly about eating even 5 calories over my set limit of 1500; and my work-outs were more punishing and dangerous than ever, as I worked out until my heart was beating as fast as possible (which meant that I stopped breathing in the middle of sprinting, etc). In fact I restricted more in terms of food variety, obsessed more about counting calories & exercise amounts -- only frozen dinners so I could perfectly count the calories, and even then I was paranoid that the packager had mistakenly put in 20-30 calories over the stated amount!! I counted calories, fat, saturated fat, water intake, sodium, and vitamin levels from foods EVERY DAY!! I soon stopped trusting myself, and spent HOURS re-counting calories, typing them in the calculator over ten times. I didn't trust anything or anybody, even outside of food.

Ironically, the only thing that helped me give up the restricting and stop using food/body control as a means to have control over my life was bulimia. I first developed BED symptoms, then added in purging. Although most bulimics that you'll meet on forums are using bulimia as a means for weight control/loss, statistically the majority of bulimics are either normal weight, overweight or gain weight because of their binging (this doesn't include combo anorexia and bulimia). I gained weight, then quickly fell into a deep depression; I finally gave up my months of charts of calorie debt (i.e. 500-700 a day “payment plans” for binges – was weekly 2.000-5,000 “in the hole”). I went into survival mode, only purging in response to a binge, but trying to eat a normal amount of calories and meals… which lead b/p every time I ate a meal. I finally surrendered my body (in a “you can take it; I don’t want it” kind of way) and slowly started getting out of the cycle.

I can’t say that my time with bulimia was as intense as yours is, so if I seem to be minimizing or simplifying anything about the disorder or recovery, please forgive my relative inexperience. I do understand the shame and guilt over hiding the amounts of binge food that you consume (which was hard living with 10 of my friends my freshman year, and eating all of the house food for the week – like 7 packages of bread in two days). And the robotic, tasteless, vacuum eating… no matter what, I couldn’t distract myself enough to stop a binge, then purge (even leaving, doing something else… it’s an all-consuming feeling/state).

Only after I lost control of food was I able to realize that it was ok to not completely dictate everything that I consumed, because my body could properly metabolize food on it's own. Like anyone with an ED, my body was my confidence, so maintaining it was my life. When I gained weight, I thought I'd lost everything -- I gained 30lbs, and figured that no one would like me/ find me attractive/consider me a successful, disciplined person. First of all, I got more attention than ever from attractive guys (because I didn't have the body of a pre-teen anymore). Second, I naturally lost 10lbs after I let my body do what it wanted, and developed a great figure that I feel proud of, but also for the first time confident in (as in I don't constantly obsess about ruining it).

Obviously the only "solution" is to work through the emotional issues that feed the cycle; but one also has to learn to give up control, or else they won't ever win the battle over this all-consuming disease. In the past few months, I've learned that calorie counting only leads to feelings of restriction and binge eating. If I let my body give me hunger signals, I eat less, and even when eat more than I feel I should, I know that later it will balance out (with feeling less hungry the next week). I still maintain some control over my body by doing cardio exercise or a few miles of fast-paced walking 8 times during the week (that sounds like a lot, but I have to walk/run to all of my classes, and the campus is HUGE). Building muscle also maintains weight levels, and gives you that feel of taunt, firm skin without starving yourself.

Best of Luck, and sorry that this post was so long!
~Jessie